At the CAC

Yesterday didn’t begin smoothly.  Vale didn’t want to get out of bed.  I’m sure he was trying to avoid having to go to the CAC.  Although it was important, it was difficult getting food in him.  I can’t imagine the level of anxiety he was experiencing.  I try to empathize, but I know my attempts are futile.

When we actually got the the building he was in a better head space, but after signing in, he didn’t sit near me nor talk to me.  Understand, I don’t hold this against him.  This had to be one of the most difficult mornings of his life.  Soon he would have to go into a room and tell a forensic investigator all the secrets he’s been holding for the past 6 years, knowing that who knows how many more people will be viewing your testimony via a video camera?  Who wouldn’t want to climb a wall with a situation like that?  Shortly, the investigator came to greet him and her demeanor seemed to set him more at ease.  Before he went to the interview room he came to sit with me and let me hug him and pray with him.  I even got a smile.

He seemed to be upstairs in the interview room for a very long time, although I doubt in reality it was the space of 30 minutes.  I tried to spend the time considering Psalm 16 and praying for him.  I prayed that God would loosen his throat and enable him to say the words that are so hard.  I prayed that God would give him peace and comfort and he would feel strength.  I prayed that God would give him clarity to remember things with as much detail as possible.  I prayed that God would pour His grace upon Vale.

If your child has the need to go to a Children’s Advocacy Center, let me tell you a little about the ‘routine’ how we experienced it.

  1. We signed in
  2. We were greeted by a few people including the receptionist and the forensic interviewer
  3. Vale was taken to the interview room where there was a video camera and microphone to capture his testimony.  In another room there was a pediatrician, the director of the CAC, an investigator from the regional office of CYS and a state trooper.  By having all these necessary parties view the video, Vale was able to make his disclosure once, eliminating the need to retell his story time and again.  This helps preserve the accuracy and integrity of the testimony and it is far less traumatizing.  In other cases, an ADA may also be in attendance, as well as other CYS representatives.
  4. After Vale’s testimony, they brought him downstairs and occupied him with activities and snacks and asked me to come upstairs.  When I met with the interviewing team they gave me an overview of how they thought the questioning went, some counsel and advice and told me what would happen next.  The advice wasn’t anything that we weren’t already doing but it was reassuring to have the reinforcement. 
  5. After this Vale was given a physical exam and had blood and urine samples taken.  This exam was really to see if there was anything that perhaps Vale felt he couldn’t reveal and the samples were to test for any possible sexually transmitted diseases.  If the assault was more recent, they would be looking for any evidence that they could collect.  And since the ADA and law enforcement would already be there, the chain of evidence would be in tact.
  6. The trooper then met with Vale and talked with him a little (small talk) and gave us a booklet on victim services etc, that had the case number as well as the trooper’s phone and badge number.
  7. After this the CAC can either provide you and your child with or set you up with therapy services.
  8. There is no fee for these services.



The investigative team thought Vale did a fantastic job, that they didn’t feel he was holding anything back (Praise God).  They don’t think there is anymore information for him to give (Praise God).  The investigator thought that he was layered in a profound amount of shame.  Oh if the shame were an outer skin that I could slough off.  If it were a demon I could excise.  If it were a cancer that we could cut out.  We can tell him a million times that he has nothing to be ashamed of.  He could have walked right up to his perp and said, “please have sex with me” and that would not put a speck of dust on him.  But he lacks the ability to hear that right now.  

A kicker, the trooper told me that although he can call and ask the perp to come in for an interview, he can’t compel him to.  The trooper can’t make the perp come in and answer to these charges.  However, by law, Vale had to come in and be questioned.  Wow.  Where is the justice in that??  Then the trooper really has to try to secure some type of confession out of the perp, otherwise this is going to go no where.  But I’m not naive, I didn’t expect more.  God will deal with the perp. And when you deal with God, well let’s just say, there will be Hell to pay. 

Vale was quiet pleased to meet the trooper.  They shared some fun small talk as the trooper related that he had actually studied at Temple University to become an illustrator. So perhaps if there is more to this case, this foundation will help in the future.

Vale was in a far different mood when we left. I was so glad to see the relief in him. In fact he gravitated so far the other way, we needed to leave the cafe we were at because he was a little over the top. But I would rather a little bit of that than the shut down.

So much to type…

… and yet so little energy to do it with.  We had a lovely time with friends yesterday, a pretty positive day all around.  Until the evening that is.  One the way home from church, I explained to the children that I was exceedingly tired and I asked them to get their things together, get something to eat and go to bed peaceably so that I could go to bed at a decent hour.  Vale’s disposition was off all evening.  He was distant, limp and cold.  I knew something was up and asked him several times if something was wrong, if he needed to talk or if he had something he shouldn’t have.  He just looked at me blankly and murmured virtually nothing.  Bedtime had come.  As my husband and I were having our evening snack, Vale comes down with his bland face, eyes darting about, acting anxious.  He handed over a knife.  He picked it up at the church and smuggled it out.  When he showed me his arms.. oh my, what a disaster.  He started cutting on his stomach as well.  That was new.

His anxiety was elevated because we had the meeting at the CAC (please see a previous post) the next morning and he was horribly concerned about it.  What worried him most was that there would be a camera and microphone in the forensic interviewing room.  He hated the thought of the video camera.  Also he felt that the last time he was interviewed he got two details confused and he would ‘mess things up’ and no one would believe him.  No matter how much soothing, affection, tears etc I tried to showered on him would bring him back to me, he stayed in that distant vacant place he went.  

As dreadful as his arms looked, the vacancy was more intimidating, more heart wrenching.

Today’s biggest task…

„,is dealing with the fact that company is coming tomorrow.  I have to deal with people coming into my house, and I have to cook them food.  I know, what’s the big deal right?  People do this everyday.  But for some reason, one I can’t quite ascertain, this is a monumentally daunting task for me.  I’m turning quite agoraphobic these days, and that can’t be healthy for anyone.

I want to cancel in the worst way.  I think about it every few minutes.  But I know that once the preparations are made and the visitors are actually here, I will enjoy the company.  Also it’s best for the family to engage in more ‘normal’ activities.  I also have the bonus of the fact that this family understands what we’re going through and are supportive, especially my fellow mom Karen.  And we are celebrating my oldest’s birthday…. so it’s all good and when I end this blog entry I will force myself to think on those positive things.

I have to do some food shopping.  Ordinarily I wouldn’t bring Vale, because that is *not* his thing.  But in light of what happened yesterday, do I bring him?  I’ll definitely lock up the tool boxes while I’m gone.  Maybe that will be good enough?  It’s a thin line (razor thin? cutting pun?)  between doing what you can to keep him safe and allowing him his very necessary autonomy.  Tough call.

Locks…

…define our house these days.  All sharp implements are locked in one of two tool boxes.  

They are black plastic little numbers with two small parts storage places in the lid, which we do not use, a tray inside to hold smaller objects, which we’ve learned not to use, and a large cavity to store your tools.. or cutting implements.  So how did Vale get a hold of the scissors yesterday?  Well he’s learned that he can unlatch the box and cram his hand in there, which is why we no longer keep anything in the tray.  But yesterday, he wormed his hand in, lifted the tray and tried to find something on the bottom.  He said it was really painful to do, but that didn’t stop him from grabbing the scissors.

These are the official keys, and you often hear shouts throughout the house, ‘who has the keys?!’  We have installed lockable doorknobs on bedroom doors so that the other children can have what they want in their room, and not worry about if everything that Vale could possibly hurt himself is stashed away.  Too much pressure to be that vigilant.  So if someone needs to get into their bedroom, they’ve got to figure out who had the keys last and procure them.

The last place we locked up is the basement, because that’s just cutter’s heaven.  Trying to make sure that Vale didn’t go down there was just too hard.  His favorite cutting implement is a box cutter.  And although we do have a lock on the tool box, it’s just too easy for him to find something.

Vale feels terrible about the house being so locked down.  He feels that he’s screwed everything up and forced the family to live like this.  Odd, because no one else in the house feels that way.  This child was raped when he was so young, bravely carried that secret for 6 years until it starting tearing out of of him.  Yep, it’s a pain in the keister sometimes to have to constantly be looking for the keys, but the cost in the long run is too high a price for us to pay.  So yeah, inconveniencing me a little in order for my boy to stay alive and safe?  Bring it on.

Not a good coping day

I admit it.  Some days I just don’t deal well.  I don’t know exactly what happens to make me less able to cope than others; the mood Vale is in (or how quickly he vacillates between moods), the amount of phone calls I’ve made or received, trying to manage more than one crisis at a time, etc.  Today I believe the impetus was the school trying to schedule even more meetings.  

I requested a 504 plan for Vale, to build in some protection for him when it came to school.  A 504 is similar to an IEP (a legal contract between you and the school for academic support of your special needs child) but is for health reasons as opposed to any type of learning disability.  If your child broke their leg and needed to use the elevator then perhaps you would have a 504 drafted to make sure that he/she is taken care of in school.  Because the initial doctor to see Vale thought that he would need to be in a day treatment program, for Vale focus is a major issue due to the onslaught of flashbacks he’s enduring, and the many appointments we’re attending, I wanted a 504 to enable Vale to have extension on assignments etc.  With everything going on, I didn’t want 7th grade to also be a burden.

Vale’s original doctor put on the 504 document that he wanted Vale tested for PDD, which honestly, blows my mind.  There are a number of reasons for that, but where are we getting autism with this child?  Perhaps they just want to rule anything organic out.  Anyway, because of the request to have Vale evaluated for PDD, the school is calling and wanting meeting after meeting to make sure they keep all their legal ducks in a row.  I appreciate their position, and that they are trying to be so proactive, but I need one more thing to deal with like I need the proverbial hole in the head.  So by 3:00 today, I had had it, and was in desperate need for a nap.  That proved to be a big mistake.

I laid down for about an hour and a half, and woke to find Vale sitting on the floor outside my bedroom.  I knew this was not a good sign and asked him what was the matter.  Without looking at me he handed me a pair of scissors and I knew what had happened.  Part of me wants to be angry with Vale because I can’t even take a nap without him hurting himself.  How am I going to get any type of self care?The strain of having to be so vigilant can really be overwhelming, not just for me, but to Vale’s father and siblings.  For instance, one of his sisters left her razor in the shower by accident.  Vale found it and gave it to her, but she was devastated that she put him in that dangerous predicament.  Vale didn’t use the razor, but that didn’t ease his sister’s mind.  And for that reason, my husband and I don’t feel like we can go out together, because if something would happen, Vale’s siblings would have to carry a terrible weight.  So there is no respite from this, no break.  Who would you ask to watch a child like this.  I doubt handling a possible suicide is not part of any babysitter’s manual.

However, I remember that Vale gave me the scissors, and that is the idea that I have to hang on to.  He could have stashed them in his room.  He could have pretended like nothing ever happened and put on his ‘I’m perfectly fine face’ when I woke from my nap.  He could have cut for a couple of days without my knowing, but he chose to give up the scissors right away.  How could I be angry with him?  Yes the situation strains everyone in the home.  The situation is difficult, tiring, worrisome.  But Vale isn’t the situation.  He didn’t cause it and most importantly he’s doing what he can to overcome it.  That’s worth a few naps, don’t you think?

Art Therapy

Yesterday, Vale had his first appointment with his art therapist.  We’ve heard a lot of good things about the therapy organization we are now using, so it gives me hope.  We looked for an art therapist for Vale, because of his natural tendencies to draw and also due to his inability to verbalize himself sometimes.  When Vale becomes anxious he literally can not speak, the words seem to get stuck in his throat.  It is our hope that through art therapy he can finally bring to the surface the abuse and move past it to healing.  I know, understand and accept that Vale won’t ever get truly over the abuse he suffered, but it doesn’t have to define him.  I have used the analogy with him that the abuse is this heavy box that is pressing him down now.  One day that heavy box will be used by him to stand on, to rise him up.  I’ll keep you posted on the art therapy, so that any other parents who may be reading this blog could see if it is a viable option for their son (or daughter for that matter).

I’ll be posting some more foundational post as pages to this blog.  I posted one already about the purpose of this blog.  I’d like to post a page about Vale, one about me and one on how all this came to light.  I will be posting them as pages, so these more key items of this journey won’t get lost in an archive.  

Question:

Question: RE your post on Vale: If you are struggling with having him tell his story over and over, maybe you could approach it from the perspective of writing? It might be safer if he has that distance. I know that’s helped me in the past.

I really like your posts so far. Thank you for talking about this issue. <3

Chungyenhttp://morereasonsyoushouldntfuckkids.tumblr.com/
Answer:

Hello,

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and reply.  I’m really humbled that anyone is taking interest in this story.  I’m going to try to write about why I have started a blog, and actually one of the reasons is to bring this into the open.  It seems more culturally acceptable for girls to express their feelings etc, but it’s taboo or not manly for a boy or man.  Boys are self mutilators.  Boys have ED.  Boys are molested.  Boys need help.

I agree with you, writing is an incredible outlet, which is the other reason why I am blogging.  It’s cathartic for me.  We (his dad and I) do encourage Vale to express himself through writing and through art.  He has a journal where he writes poetry which is quite beautiful  (which I hope he lets me post one day) and he draws.  He also takes pictures and reflects his feelings through the edits.  In fact, you may be interested to know that Vale has started a tumblr blog as well, where he has posted some of his photography.  You might be interested in visiting that.  You can find the link for his blog on my page.

Thanks again for writing to me with your advice and support.  I appreciate it.

~Vale’s Mom

 

Called and advocated for my son

I called the CAC today and asked about what ages they see children.  I was told that they saw teenagers all the time up to about 18 and that Vale was not too old to be interviewed and examined there.  They are going to call the investigator and the police and set up the interview there, instead of dragging my son to the state police barracks!  

A little about the CAC and why it’s so important to me.  The CAC is the Children’s Advocacy Center.  They do a lot of work with children who are abused.  However, what I am most interested in is that they have a facility where a child who is abused can go and disclose all the abuse facts, be examined etc *one time* for all necessary agencies and departments such as CYS, the police, mental health, etc.  Here is a section taken of a page from the York Co. CAC (which incidentally is not where we live ;) ).

Why is the York County Children’s Advocacy Center needed?

Prior to the opening of the Children’s Advocacy Center, an abused child was subjected to multiple forensic interviews in various agency settings during the information gathering process, including a possible medical exam. The child may have been taken to the hospital or doctor’s office, the police department, a social worker or attorney’s office.

Imagine the child’s overwhelming feelings of fear and anxiety as he or she was shuffled between agencies, surrounded by adults inquiring about the details of the traumatic event. During each interview, the victim was asked to retell his/her story, vividly reliving the pain and confusion surrounding the experience. While the information and data gathered was necessary for the case, the old system further victimized the child and potentially corrupted the information needed for prosecution.

Now imagine a child-friendly, safe house, where the child feels secure in a non-threatening environment; a house where the child only has to go through one interview and one physical exam (if necessary). That child-friendly, safe house is the York County Children’s Advocacy Center.

Yet another source of victimization

When Vale disclosed his sexual abuse, the psychiatrist was obligated to report it, mandated reporting.  It doesn’t matter that Vale is fragile, kept the abuse a secret for 6 years, or that dragging him through a court case right now may push him over the edge.  By law, if abuse is disclosed, it has to be reported.  

Our experience with this so far has been frustrating.  Children and Youth send someone from the state level to investigate to see what path to take.  There are certain criteria that need to be met to keep CYS involved, if not, it becomes just a criminal case (just??).  Two of the criteria are that the perpetrator was over the age of 14 and/or lived in the home, even briefly.  In our case the criteria have yet to be proved out.  Vale believes that his offenders were over 16, one was a relative of the foster parents and lived in the foster home shortly, while his home was flooded.  The other perp was a friend of the first.  Surprisingly, the foster parents deny that the perp lived in the home.  I’m shocked, are you?

While the state is still investigating whether or not the abuse falls under the criteria of CYS or not, Vale has to be interview by the police.  To prevent him from having to retell his story again and again, I’ve asked if we could utilize the CAC or Children’s Advocacy Center (link provided) which is an organization especially designed for children who where abused so that they only need to tell their tale once.  

I was called today by the CYS investigator with a time and place for the police to interview Vale.  And they want to interview at the state police barracks.  I need to drag my damaged, fragile son to the police barracks to be interviewed AGAIN like a criminal when he is the victim.  And in case you didn’t know, a parent cannot be present with the offended child, because that could severely compromise the case.  I may be overly dramatic, but it seems like the institution set up do protect my child is assisting in yet more victimization.

Intellectually, I know that this is not the case.  Everything needs to be kept on the up and up.  But I don’t understand why my request for Vale to be interviewed in the child friendly atmosphere of the CAC could not be honored.  The investigator and the police officer determined that since Vale was an older child, that he didn’t need the CAC.  They said that the CAC was only for small children.  I think this shows a great lack of concern and understanding of a child victim.

For our sons…

I have a son.  I have 4 actually, but this blog centers around just one.  He is beautiful.  He is 14.  He’s artistic and funny.  He’s athletic and intelligent.  He’s an overcomer and strong.  He was formerly in foster care.  He is adopted.  He is also a cutter.  He is trying to starve himself.  He is depressed and suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.  He is a victim of sexual abuse.  He is in crisis.

About 4 weeks ago, much of this broke.  I didn’t know about the cutting.  I saw him being less hungry, but I thought it was just a natural ebb and flow of eating that children had.  I had no idea he had lost so much weight.  The realization hits like sucker punch to the solar plexus.  Don’t think I still have my air back.  I dealt with it initially by breaking some plates, however over time, another way of coping had to come because we can’t afford new plates every week.

So I did some web searches for blogs of moms of sons in this dilemma, and I found nothing.  What I did find is some outdated statistics and erroneous information such as the notion that these issues are only girl issues.  I found that boys are notoriously underreported when it comes to eating disorders or self harming.  I learned that boys who are sexually brutalized are actually shamed into silence. Well we just can’t have this now can we.  Hence this blog.



No, I won’t share my son’s name, or his image.  There is still far too much stigma in the world for that much honesty.  I’m not going to have him thrown on a proverbial sword in order to break out of some of these taboos.  Maybe one day, when he’s older and has gone from victim to survivor he’ll write a blog of his own.  But until then, we’ll call him Vale.