Facepalm!

Just letting you have a peek in on a conversation I’m having with one of Vale’s teachers:

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Me [04:31 PM]: Mrs. Health Teacher,
I’m going to do a preemptive strike here… during health, the 3rd Unit on Nutrition.  I’m guessing there are lessons about ED and calories, portion sizes.. am I right?
Mrs. Health Teacher [05:59 PM]: Yes, we do talk about all of that.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Me [12:53 PM]: That’s what I thought.  Could we be proactive and think of an acceptable work around?  Him ‘learning’ about various forms of ED or how portions are so much bigger, or how many calories are in an average McD meal is super unproductive. What could he do instead.  What about him doing a power point on ED that perhaps you could share with your students in the future.  LIke a look at ED from the inside.  Vale is an activist, and this just might be helpful.  What do you think?
 
Mrs. Health Teacher [01:08 PM]: Mrs. Vale’s Mom, what specific information is not helpful? In the lessons we talked about the importance of nutrition, nutrients, how to choose good/bad foods based on labels, how to eat healthy, maintaining a healthy weight, obesity, and fad diets/eating disorders.

Me [03:55 PM]: Well, all of that.  May I ask, what is your experience with people with eating disorders? =)

Ummmmm… where do I even begin with this…

 

Flashback to July: Let’s get this over with

I think I’ve drug my heels about finishing this long enough, wouldn’t you agree?  I have so many other things I wish to write about, but I feel as though I can’t go on to those things until I’ve put this one to bed.  Not really sure why.  Not entirely sure why this is so difficult to sit down and finish either.  Insights anyone?

It’s our final week down in Hershey.  We arrive on a Sunday, Vale chomping at the bit to get back to Nicki, me dreading the week.  In an effort to get him out of the house, I suggest we go out to dinner to this restaurant he’s been wanting to try since February.  The name of it is Houlihans, and although I don’t believe he actually wanted to eat at it, he wanted to go in it, so he was agreeable.  At least initially.

We arrive at Houlihans and it’s raining.  The parking lot is full, so we have to park in this parking garage type facility.  We step out of the van, and Vale starts.  At first it’s just simple kvetching, about how many cars are in the parking lot, how cold the rain is, etc.  When we actually get into the restaurant, I can visibly see him start to become unglued.  ”It’s too dark in here!  There are way too many people.  Why is it so warm in here??”

You ever have a moment in time where you look at your child and you’re unsure as to who that person is?  I was in this moment.  The space-time continuum had just shifted and I was in some type of alternate universe.  I started to look around to see if everyone was sporting goatees (vague Star Trek reference there).  He was antsy.  He was agitated.  He was very anxious.  He was completely eating disordered.  I asked Vale if he wanted to leave and he said no, so we were given a table.  Madness then ensued because they gave us the menu: it was huge and expansive.  He was consumed with anxiety over how in the world was he going to order, there were far too many choices.  At this point I sort of shifted into a survival mode, I suggested we leave.  Vale got even more upset, he was afraid it would draw attention to himself if we just walked out now, so I thought of something to do about the ordering.

A bright spot on the menu is that they had this whole list of entries that were smaller portions of their customer favorites, so that you could sample a couple of different items.  I suggested that Vale pick 2 or 3 of those, and he’d be ensured that the portions were at a manageable level.  But even those 20 or so choices proved to be far too many.  He did notice that someone had a french dip sandwich and thought it looked good, so I suggested that we split a sandwich and a salad.  Whatever he didn’t eat, we could always take home.  We had a tentatively help peace over that decision and we ordered.  Wouldn’t you know it that when they brought our food they would serve it on these over-sized rectangular trencher type plates??  I thought he was going to have a fit.  He did become a bit louder when he exclaimed something about the amount of food.  I quickly started reducing the number of plates and divvying up our food: one half of the sandwich for me, one for him.  One half of the salad for me, but no, I couldn’t put the entire half portion of salad on his plate.  There were also fries, but he couldn’t stand more than 3 or 4 on his plate.

The sandwich went down easily for Vale (and it was tasty ~ if you’re even in Hershey, PA try the french dip sandwiches at Houlihans).  I made a bold move and put the rest of his portion of salad on his plate, while it was somewhat cleared of food and he was okay with that.  He ate some of the salad and said he wanted to take the rest of it home.  Unfortunately the salad was the kind where they had pre-tossed it so I mentioned to him that if we took it home, it wouldn’t be very good the next day because it already had the dressing all over it.  He sort of loudly dropped his fork and looked me right in the eyes and said, “So you lied to me.”  I lied to him?  About the food?  Really?  I had the foresight to know that the salad was going to come like that and I purposefully lied so that he had to eat it?  I was dumbfounded at his accusation and I probably did some type of jaw dropping.  Now he was angry and it was all directed at me.  I don’t remember a whole lot about the rest of that night with the exception of that he did eat most of his salad, he wouldn’t touch a fry, and I was, apparently, the devil.

This last week at the Pennsylvania Psychiatric Institute was originally supposed to be a short one, only until Wednesday.  However, the week before, Vale had cut himself and coupled with the fact that his eating disorder is getting out of control, they decided to keep him the rest of the week.  Oh yes, I forgot to mention that little tid bit didn’t I?  Nicki was getting near to the end of her treatment, so the program she was in shortened her week by a day, then the next week by two etc, weaning her from the program.  So the previous week, Nicki had gone home on a Thursday and Vale was distraught, not knowing what to do with himself without her on Thursday evening.  If I remember correctly, I sent him to our room because he was being belligerent about something and so he used, can you believe this, the room *key* to cut himself.  Okay, it’s horrible enough when he used knives and box cutters to cut, but a key?  Can you imagine how painful that must have been?  Of course that event left me distraught and us needing to stay for the entire week.  Vale was completely oppositional Monday and Tuesday, combative, clearly not interested in his treatment and becoming worse by the minute.  His eating was getting worse, refusing to eat breakfast, escalated behaviors over dinner and I finally had had it.  We were leaving Wednesday, whether he liked it or not.

Tuesday evening I had him retire to the room early and we packed.  We took stuff down to the car and I happened to walk through the main eating area and found Nicki, another mother and her daughter sitting around the table talking close.  I walk toward the room and the other girl started frantically started making faces at Nicki to be quiet.  Obviously they were talking about me, and it wasn’t pleasant.  How in the world did I become the bad guy?  I wasn’t ‘in the world’ so to speak, around people who didn’t know about what was going on with him or what it’s like to have an eating disordered kid.  Why in the name of anything sacred weren’t these mothers on my side.  Now for her part, Nicki was a 16-year-old girl with a mad crush, I can understand why she was so unhappy with me keeping the two apart.  But these other mothers should have been standing shoulder to shoulder with me… I’m still baffled.  Fortunately, I’m not a parent who seeks popularity, I do what’s right for my family and I kept on packing.

Vale didn’t say goodbye to Nicki because I didn’t tell him we were definitely leaving until we were up in our room.  The next day I kept him busy up in the room until after 8:30 so he wouldn’t have time to see her then either.  In retrospect, I toss that around as to whether I should have done that or not.  But in the end I ask myself, what good would have come from him sharing a tearful goodbye with this girl?  I also wholeheartedly admit that part of me just wanted to cut this thing right off.  He was not happy with me and he pointedly asked me if I planned that on purpose, to which I replied honestly that I did.

During that last week, I made an appointment for Vale at the eating disorder specialist.  This time we didn’t see the doctor like we usually did, we saw his physician’s assistant and that was a godsend.  Vale had, surprise surprise, dropped weight.  Apparently Vale didn’t keep his cards too close to his chest while he was in with the PA, asking if Nicki was there, was she alright, could he see her etc.  Of course the PA couldn’t tell him squat but she could see where his entire thought was bent toward and she got rather tough with him.  In short she threatened him that if he didn’t start getting with the program she would take action.  And no, despite what he thinks, she would never put him in a partial program there, to be around the girls, he would go in a lock down.  She then walked him through what a program like that was like: they would tell him when to wake, when to sleep, where he could go, when he ate, what he ate, how much he ate, whether he could see or talk to his family or friends, what privileges he could have, when he could leave.  She didn’t paint a pretty picture at all.  Vale was rather shocked by the entire conversation, but I was delighted.  This PA was taking the bull by the horns, something the doctor never seemed to do, and I was so relieved.

I don’t remember the ride home quite well.  I don’t think it was pleasant.  In fact, I don’t think we spoke to each other the entire 2 hour trip.  I’d like to tell you that within a few days he was back to himself and we started progressing back toward recovery again, but that would be a lie.  He kept up his restrictive eating.  He was ignorant and unkind toward me and the entire family.  He moved like a ghost through the days thinking only on his ‘lost love’.  He contrived how he was going to see her, talk with her, be with her.  He vandalized a restaurant bathroom, carving her initials into the stall.  That was a delight, let me tell you, and I made him tell the manager and fork over $60 in reparation.  We went to see a nutritionist who concluded that this wasn’t the time for him to be working on his eating disorder, because it was blatantly obvious he had no interest in recovery.  The nutritionist spoke with the PA and both agreed that Vale had too much therapy types and he was learning how to work it all, they suggested that we pick one and work with them and then slowly add others as he got back on track.  I agreed with them, that things had shifted into madness and we pared things down to just his Biblical counselor.  I think the kicker was that of the entire summer, which included a week-long vacation right on the bay in Delaware, his fondest summer memories were of the time in Hershey, with Nicki.  I wanted to kick him when he said that.  The time that cost us the most, that was so ruinous, painful was his favorite moments of the summer.

Why was this so hard to write.  Is it because I question myself?  Was it really the right thing to take Vale down to Hershey?  Was I foolish?  Should I have ended it sooner?  In the short-term it caused us so much pain and was so damaging to Vale’s recovery.  But as I look back on it 7 months later and see Vale’s progress I wonder if it didn’t come in part because of this time in Crazyville.  Is it possible that he is more solid now because he knows we’ll do anything to help him, to listen to him?  If it isn’t, will you at least not tell me.  I need that one small bit to keep from despair about that whole thing.  Placate me, okay?

Excellent Article on Eating Disorders in Men

Sunday, May 29, 2011  03:15 AM

THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH

Michael Whitehead was 16 when a doctor diagnosed his eating disorder. He now is 18 and still gets care at Nationwide Children's Hospital.
JEFF HINCKLEY | DISPATCH
Michael Whitehead was 16 when a doctor diagnosed his eating disorder. He now is 18 and still gets care at Nationwide Children’s Hospital.


When Michael Whitehead started losing weight almost three years ago, it seemed like a good thing.

“I was overweight and made fun of for most of my life. Relentlessly,” said the Fairfield County teen. “But then I became extremely obsessive.”

He dropped more than 100 pounds in six months. He began to eliminate many foods from his diet, eating almost no fat. At his lowest point, he ate about 700 calories a day and exercised at least three hours.

He felt that he couldn’t stop.

Whitehead was 16 when a doctor diagnosed anorexia. At one point, the 5-foot 9-inch teen had shrunk to 120 pounds.

He now is 18 and a senior at Amanda-Clearcreek High School. He has been through two inpatient-care programs and continues to get care at Nationwide Children’s Hospital. His weight is up to about 180 pounds, and he’s on medication that helps ease the obsessive-compulsive disorder that helped fuel his illness.

Whitehead is troubled by advertising that depicts young men who are impossibly thin and yet still have muscles. Images such as that contribute to the disorder by encouraging people to attain an impossible physique, to seek “perfection,” he said.

And he’s adamant that people, including doctors, should be better at recognizing eating disorders in boys and men. Initially, he said, doctors “were like, ‘Oh yeah, you’re a guy, you can’t have an eating disorder.’

“I think that society really needs to know that this is not just a female problem.”

A population-based study published in 2007 found that men and boys were one-third as likely as women to have anorexia or bulimia and more than half as likely to have a binge-eating disorder.

“I think it’s still viewed as a predominantly female disorder, and I think that’s going to be a hard thing to change,” said Dr. Terry Bravender, chief of adolescent medicine at Children’s.

There are many obstacles, including doctors who don’t recognize it and patients and families who resist getting help, he said. “I’ve seen boys and young men embarrassed to come in because they think they have a girls’ disorder. And I think a lot of times boys have to be really impaired to be identified as having an eating disorder.”

In male patients, problems typically arise a little differently, he said. They often start to eat healthier and exercise more in hopes of building muscle. Then other mental illnesses - including obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression and anxiety - lead to development of the disease.

Anorexia and bulimia can lead to osteoporosis, heart problems and, in the most extreme cases, death.

Signs of eating disorders should be taken seriously, and professional help is essential, said Lynn Grefe, president and CEO of the National Eating Disorders Association.

Those involved with someone who is ill should take care not to approach the situation with anger or find fault with the patient or his family, she said.

“It’s not their fault. Nobody is to blame here,” Grefe said. “Blame can really get in the way of treatment.”

She said she has heard more stories about men with eating disorders in recent years and pointed to one study that suggests hospitalizations are increasing faster among males than females.

Recognition of eating disorders in men - preferably earlier on, before serious damage has occurred - must improve, said Grefe, whose organization is working to increase physician education on identification of the disease in both genders.

Laura Hill, CEO of the Center for Balanced Living in Worthington, said there’s work afoot to change the mental-illness diagnostic manual that psychiatrists and others use. She said the manual is skewed toward women. The diagnosis for anorexia, for example, includes criteria based on the patient’s menstrual cycle.

“It’s underdiagnosed,” she said. “You’re looking at other things … and it often only surfaces after you’ve eliminated and ruled out other problems.”

Family and friends play an important role in helping patients get well, Hill said, and their support and understanding go a long way toward recovery.

Whitehead said, “The worst thing you can do is try to make them eat. You need to tell them that you care and that you love them and try to help them get some professional help.”

mcrane@dispatch.com

Spotting trouble

Common signs that a person might have an eating disorder:

• Drastic weight loss

• Preoccupation with counting calories

• Weighing oneself several times a day

• Excessive exercise

• Binge eating or purging

• Food rituals, such as taking tiny bites, skipping food groups or rearranging food on the plate

• Avoiding meals or wanting to eat only when alone

• Taking laxatives or

diuretics

• Smoking to curb appetite

• A persistent view of oneself as fat that worsens despite weight loss



Understanding eating disorders

• As many as 10 million females and 1 million males in the U.S. have anorexia or bulimia. As many as  13 million more struggle with a binge-eating disorder.

• Eating disorders affect people from all walks of life, including young children, middle-age women, men and individuals of all races and ethnicities.

• The peak onset of eating disorders occurs during puberty and the late teen and early adult years, but symptoms can occur as young as kindergarten.

• A recent study of hospitalizations related to eating disorders cites data showing a sharp increase from 1999 to 2006, up 18 percent overall, 24 percent among the elderly, 37 percent among men and 119 percent among children younger than 12 (although that age group accounts for fewer than 5 percent of cases).

• Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

• For more information or to seek help, go to NationalEatingDisorders.org

or call (800) 931-2237.

Source: National Eating Disorders Association



 

Fallout: Restaurants

I certainly don’t claim to speak for all parents of children who have eating disorders.  I don’t know nor understand every nuance that ED’s slimy presence creates.  All I can speak of is from my own.  In our experience, restaurants are problematic.

From what I’ve seen, the issues with restaurant eating for Vale are these standard 4 problems: 

  1. The pressure of ordering in a timely manner
  2. Fear of ordering too much food
  3. The pressure of eating all of what’s on the plate
  4. Feeling that everyone’s watching

Since there is eight of us in our family, when we eat out we need to be a little coordinated.  I try to keep all the kids focused on looking at the menu and figuring out what they want so that when the waitress comes (and nearly cries when she sees all these kids) we’re ready.  In times past Vale would look for the most bang for the buck.  Ironically the concern then was getting enough to eat, but I digress.  So as we’re perusing the menu picking out what we’d like, one by one a menu will close followed by, ‘I’m ready’.  Each ‘I’m ready’ causes Vale to slip further down his seat.  

The Fear of Too Much Food… ooo, sounds like a B horror movie doesn’t it?  This one I don’t get a whole lot.  Common sense would dictate that if it’s too much food, simply take it home with you right?  ED distorts thinking so much, so common sense isn’t too common.  It’s almost like he doesn’t want to see that much food on his plate.  Is it appalling to him?  Does he think we’re going to cram it down his throat?  Anyway, because Payne has food allergies we eat at the same couple of restaurants.  One of the ways Vale deals with the ‘what to order’ pressure is that he’ll only order the same things time and again.  If someone else tries something new he’ll ‘measure’ that and perhaps next time, but no branching out lest he gets too much food.

Vale knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I watch every forkful that goes in his mouth.  I try desperately not to let it show, or let him catch me watching him, but I don’t always succeed.  And yes, when he’s eating in his minimalistic fashion I do try to encourage him to eat 2 more bites etc.  We do NOT, however. do the whole, “You will eat every bit of that Young Man or you’re not leaving the table” kind of strong arming him.  That would be insane.  Vale knows the truth, the facts.  If he drops too much weight he will be hospitalized.  Period.  That’s just the reality of it.  So in a very large sense he himself alone is responsible for keeping himself out of the hospital.  So I wonder if his fear of having to eat everything on his plate is the sane side of him wrestling with the insanity.  The clear thinking part of his brain knowing he needs that food fighting against the distorted perceptions of the ED telling him he does not, and hence the pressure to eat everything.

Aaaaand people watching him eat.  This is pertaining to people outside our family.  I don’t know who he thinks is watching him, but it’s definitely stuck in his head that people are watching him eat.  Payne thinks it’s because he’s so worried about how he appears to other people?  Maybe he thinks that if he’s picking at his food other people will draw the conclusion that he was sexually abused?  I don’t know.  The thing with eating disorders is nothing that the eating disorder person does in relation to food or eating makes sense.  We have quite a few eating disordered young women who follow us and the vast majority are recovering and fighting (you GO girls!!!).  And I look at their blogs and see how beautiful they are… but every regained pound is problematic.  I just shake my head.  They’re gorgeous!  I guess the reason is that eating disorders aren’t really about how you look, it’s about how you think you look.  Well I think we have the most fantastic followers, and yes, I’m talking about YOU!

As a special caveat to our restaurant experience we have one last looming issue.  The knives.  If you go to a better quality restaurant, you get better quality (read: sharper and more dangerous) knives to cut your meal with.  So when we eat out, I see what kind of knives are on the table, and just how many there are.  When the meal finishes and the waitress comes to clear the dishes, I try to keep count of how many knives have left the table.  It can get a little mind boggling especially if a bus boy or another wait staff member is helping.  It’s not like I can say, “Hey wait a minute, how many knives did you clear?  My son’s a cutter see and…”  Yeah that would be fantastic.  We’d *never* get Vale to go to a restaurant again!

One day… one day Vale will have kicked this monster in the head and going to a restaurant will be the joyous, celebratory time that it was in days past.  I have faith in him.

Fallout: Restaurants

I certainly don’t claim to speak for all parents of children who have eating disorders.  I don’t know nor understand every nuance that ED’s slimy presence creates.  All I can speak of is from my own.  In our experience, restaurants are problematic.

From what I’ve seen, the issues with restaurant eating for Vale are these standard 4 problems: 

  1. The pressure of ordering in a timely manner
  2. Fear of ordering too much food
  3. The pressure of eating all of what’s on the plate
  4. Feeling that everyone’s watching

Since there is eight of us in our family, when we eat out we need to be a little coordinated.  I try to keep all the kids focused on looking at the menu and figuring out what they want so that when the waitress comes (and nearly cries when she sees all these kids) we’re ready.  In times past Vale would look for the most bang for the buck.  Ironically the concern then was getting enough to eat, but I digress.  So as we’re perusing the menu picking out what we’d like, one by one a menu will close followed by, ‘I’m ready’.  Each ‘I’m ready’ causes Vale to slip further down his seat.  

The Fear of Too Much Food… ooo, sounds like a B horror movie doesn’t it?  This one I don’t get a whole lot.  Common sense would dictate that if it’s too much food, simply take it home with you right?  ED distorts thinking so much, so common sense isn’t too common.  It’s almost like he doesn’t want to see that much food on his plate.  Is it appalling to him?  Does he think we’re going to cram it down his throat?  Anyway, because Payne has food allergies we eat at the same couple of restaurants.  One of the ways Vale deals with the ‘what to order’ pressure is that he’ll only order the same things time and again.  If someone else tries something new he’ll ‘measure’ that and perhaps next time, but no branching out lest he gets too much food.

Vale knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I watch every forkful that goes in his mouth.  I try desperately not to let it show, or let him catch me watching him, but I don’t always succeed.  And yes, when he’s eating in his minimalistic fashion I do try to encourage him to eat 2 more bites etc.  We do NOT, however. do the whole, “You will eat every bit of that Young Man or you’re not leaving the table” kind of strong arming him.  That would be insane.  Vale knows the truth, the facts.  If he drops too much weight he will be hospitalized.  Period.  That’s just the reality of it.  So in a very large sense he himself alone is responsible for keeping himself out of the hospital.  So I wonder if his fear of having to eat everything on his plate is the sane side of him wrestling with the insanity.  The clear thinking part of his brain knowing he needs that food fighting against the distorted perceptions of the ED telling him he does not, and hence the pressure to eat everything.

Aaaaand people watching him eat.  This is pertaining to people outside our family.  I don’t know who he thinks is watching him, but it’s definitely stuck in his head that people are watching him eat.  Payne thinks it’s because he’s so worried about how he appears to other people?  Maybe he thinks that if he’s picking at his food other people will draw the conclusion that he was sexually abused?  I don’t know.  The thing with eating disorders is nothing that the eating disorder person does in relation to food or eating makes sense.  We have quite a few eating disordered young women who follow us and the vast majority are recovering and fighting (you GO girls!!!).  And I look at their blogs and see how beautiful they are… but every regained pound is problematic.  I just shake my head.  They’re gorgeous!  I guess the reason is that eating disorders aren’t really about how you look, it’s about how you think you look.  Well I think we have the most fantastic followers, and yes, I’m talking about YOU!

As a special caveat to our restaurant experience we have one last looming issue.  The knives.  If you go to a better quality restaurant, you get better quality (read: sharper and more dangerous) knives to cut your meal with.  So when we eat out, I see what kind of knives are on the table, and just how many there are.  When the meal finishes and the waitress comes to clear the dishes, I try to keep count of how many knives have left the table.  It can get a little mind boggling especially if a bus boy or another wait staff member is helping.  It’s not like I can say, “Hey wait a minute, how many knives did you clear?  My son’s a cutter see and…”  Yeah that would be fantastic.  We’d *never* get Vale to go to a restaurant again!

One day… one day Vale will have kicked this monster in the head and going to a restaurant will be the joyous, celebratory time that it was in days past.  I have faith in him.

Correcting a disservice

I was convicted about a disservice I had done to all our readers.  I talk so much about the anxiety and the strain but so little about the sustaining faith that gets us through it.  That just can’t be.  So over the next few Sundays I’m going to post something about what God is doing in us and through us, even in the midst of all this heart ache.

Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior.  He reminds me of the absolute truths of His Word.  These truths are something I cling to like a shipwrecked man hangs onto a rock in the deep.  And honestly, even in the times when my faith is rattled, I know that I can go back to Him, and He’ll grasp my hand and hold it firm.

So many young people read and follow this blog.  Their stories are so difficult, so full of pain and affliction.  I have nothing to offer really, besides the fact that they know that there are others on a similar path, but I wonder in the long run what benefit does that give?  I see in their blogs the number one commonality is loneliness.  Well I want to tell you that there is a God who doesn’t want you to be lonely.  He is a Savior who said, I will never leave you alone, or forget about you.  He says he never slumbers nor sleeps.  He tells us that His arm isn’t so short that He can not reach you, wherever you are.  And most of all, He longs to reason with you.. so that you can be as pure as clean, fallen snow.  Could I take you to Him?  Would you allow me to introduce you?  May I join your weary and heavily burdened hand to His?  It’s a choice you’ll never regret.

Therapy is wonderful.  Medication definitely has it’s place.  But these are all temporal, the only reach so far.  All the therapists and psychologists and therapies and pyschopharmacuticals and alcohol and drugs and sex and cutting and starving and binging and whatever else you do to help with your pain will only reach you on a certain level; whether for good or for not so good.  There is only once source of true help… of true relief.  That’s why we say our God is a very present help in a time of trouble.

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.”  

~Jesus Christ, found in Matthew 18:28-29

Correcting a disservice

I was convicted about a disservice I had done to all our readers.  I talk so much about the anxiety and the strain but so little about the sustaining faith that gets us through it.  That just can’t be.  So over the next few Sundays I’m going to post something about what God is doing in us and through us, even in the midst of all this heart ache.

Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior.  He reminds me of the absolute truths of His Word.  These truths are something I cling to like a shipwrecked man hangs onto a rock in the deep.  And honestly, even in the times when my faith is rattled, I know that I can go back to Him, and He’ll grasp my hand and hold it firm.

So many young people read and follow this blog.  Their stories are so difficult, so full of pain and affliction.  I have nothing to offer really, besides the fact that they know that there are others on a similar path, but I wonder in the long run what benefit does that give?  I see in their blogs the number one commonality is loneliness.  Well I want to tell you that there is a God who doesn’t want you to be lonely.  He is a Savior who said, I will never leave you alone, or forget about you.  He says he never slumbers nor sleeps.  He tells us that His arm isn’t so short that He can not reach you, wherever you are.  And most of all, He longs to reason with you.. so that you can be as pure as clean, fallen snow.  Could I take you to Him?  Would you allow me to introduce you?  May I join your weary and heavily burdened hand to His?  It’s a choice you’ll never regret.

Therapy is wonderful.  Medication definitely has it’s place.  But these are all temporal, the only reach so far.  All the therapists and psychologists and therapies and pyschopharmacuticals and alcohol and drugs and sex and cutting and starving and binging and whatever else you do to help with your pain will only reach you on a certain level; whether for good or for not so good.  There is only once source of true help… of true relief.  That’s why we say our God is a very present help in a time of trouble.

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.”  

~Jesus Christ, found in Matthew 18:28-29

Source: kingjamesbibleonline.org

Little Triggers…

It was appointment day for Vale so we started off our 2.5 hour trip with a breakfast at Starbucks.  Vale, having an eating disorder, took a long time to decide what he wanted to eat.  He finally concluded on a cappuccino, an artesian sandwich and a slice of coffee cake for the road.  I knew he would drink the beverage right away, and as he is trying to work on eating better he would eat at least most of the sandwich since it was a hot food.  The counter person commented on Vale’s order, “My he must be hungry!  No wonder it took him so much time to order.”  gigantic sigh  My heart stopped.  My stomach flipped.  I shot a quick side glance at Vale and gave a little smile, he just sort of shook his head.

Now this woman didn’t know what she was doing.  It wasn’t her fault.  She wasn’t being insensitive, she was just feeling friendly.  If Vale wasn’t on an eating upswing that comment would have ended all cooperative eating for the entire day.  It’s so ironic to consider how much of our lives are dictated by an eating disorder.

Out of character.. in the flesh

Today is not a good day.  I’m angry.  At Vale.  He’s been making digging remarks about my weight but today was the worst.  I asked him to set the table for breakfast, I made some nice gingerbread pancakes.  He set me out a meat serving fork instead of a regular fork.  Because I “eat so much, and this way I could shovel it in faster”.

Really.

He thought he was being funny.  This from the boy who couldn’t complete his physically taxing jobs (that he agreed to do.  that he gets paid for) today because he’s too weak and wearies too quickly.

I want to slap him up side the head.  No, I didn’t whisper out loud: Foolish, scrawny, eating disordered, disrespectful punk.

I can’t say any of that.

Not only because it’s sinful to talk that way, and I would be ashamed at myself for being so unkind.  No, a mother shouldn’t ever let herself get in the way of doing right, but that’s not the only reason to watch what I say.  If I were to do so, he would go purge, or cut, or restrict…(and off he goes to the bathroom now.. )

He tried to apologize for what he did, tried to give me the whole, “it was only a joke” excuse.  No, you were being a jerk, Vale.  

Jaw sets

Anger

Walks away

Guess he wasn’t that sorry in the first place?  I’m so angry I don’t even care.  But really why.. because I’m that ashamed of myself.  I’m so ashamed of being this overweight.  Even more so now in contemplating that I may be a daily cause for his ED.  His self destruction is because I wanted a cheeseburger or an extra slice of chocolate cake far too many times?

He just came back from the bathroom… do I even ask?

  • Just stop eating as much ~ Just start eating more
  • Just start exercising ~ Just stop exercising
  • Just start controlling yourself more ~ Just start controlling yourself less
  • Just make better food choices ~ Just stop making so many food choices 

I’m going to sip my coffee (black, no sugar thankyouverymuch) and calm down.  I will not continue in this anger.  It’s wrong.  It’s not in the best interest of my son, who’s needs supersede my own right now.

I found another blog about a boy with eating disorders! Woo hoo!

Link: I found another blog about a boy with eating disorders! Woo hoo!

How anorexia has affected our family and why recovery from anorexia is possible. Our (then) 15 year old son developed anorexia in summer 2009. Following rapid weight loss and personality transformation (typical with anorexia), we got on the waiting list for UK treatment with CAMHS (Child & Adolescent Mental Health Services) which started in March 2010. After a rocky start, by Autumn 2010 our son finally turned a corner. Anorexiaboyrecovery blog is about his recovery from anorexia in 2011.

About the eating disorder

I wanted to write an entirely separate post on Vale’s eating disorder, even thought it truly fits in with everything else.  I guess I want to write about it separately, because there is so little out there about boys who have eating disorders.  I can’t find a term that defines the eating disorder that Vale seems to have.  I hate using the term have.. like it’s cooties or something.  Vale’s mind and heart are shattered… he chooses not to eat because he doesn’t feel like he deserves to.  That’s just not something you ‘have’.

A couple of months ago, we noticed that Vale was eating less.  Honestly we didn’t think anything of it.  Children’s appetites naturally ebb and flow.  We thought that perhaps Vale was at the bottom of a growth spurt and was simply eating less.  It is winter, he wasn’t as active.  But most importantly, we had no clue about his state of mind or his cutting.  When things came to light we started looking at his eating in a whole new way.

You can’t say that Vale is bulimic, because he don’t binge.  He doesn’t fit the classic definition of anorexia because he doesn’t have a negative body image.  He doesn’t think he’s fat.  He doesn’t want to loose weight, get more ‘buff’ or slim down.  He doesn’t think he’s too thin either.  He stopped eating because he felt he wasn’t worthy of it.  Now, it’s just too uncomfortable to put food in his stomach.  When he feels full he doesn’t like the feeling and he has tried for a while to throw up.  I really credit the grace of God that he hadn’t been able to do it.  However, he learned that if he puts his toothbrush down his throat, he can stimulate the gag reflex and thus vomit.  He revealed this to us last night.  I am so devestated.

Please don’t get me wrong, when you see your son’s arms criss crossed with angry frowns drawn by the edge of scissors or kitchen knife, it’s horrible anguish.  But to know the life threatening severity of restriction and purging… the possibility of having to bury your child becomes ever so real, so vivid.  To know he feels so much triumph in being able to vomit the food you so carefully ensure he puts down his throat… knowing you can’t lock up his gag reflex, you can’t watch him 24/7.  Really, you’re absolutely powerless.  Even now, as I type this post I’m sitting in the living room quietly, not daring to turn on the television, because if I listen I can hear the hinges on my upstairs bathroom.  But this is no way to live.. starving, is no way to die.