Transparency

So I’m on this little mission to encourage more openness and transparency in Vale.  Believe it or not the kid is rather shy.  People are drawn to him, in fact it’s kinda crazy sometimes, but he gets tongue tied and so he can struggle.

However, he’s insanely good looking.  I know, I know I’m his mom, but seriously he is.  We have been told, from probably 20 independent sources, that he should model.. Yeah… the anorexic boy should be thrust into that industry.  I think not.  He gets told he’s cute hot handsome no.. sexy.  Can you believe that?  It thrills me that peers at school refer to him as Sexy Vale (well, his real name which makes an alliteration, but you understand), my 16 year old.  Yeah totes luvs.

My husband came home from work and reported that someone wrote on the equipment at his job (where Vale works) that “Vale is so sexxy”.  I mean really?  And the icing on the cake (and then yeah, I’ll get off this diatribe) his immediate superior told Vale that he should model for Calvin  Klein, calls him Calvin and says, “you just have that appeal”.  Sexual harassment anyone?

So back to the transparency.  So you have all these good looks, people are naturally drawn to you… what are you going to do with it Vale?  Open up, share your story.. bits of it, sure, slowly… one day at a time.  People will listen.  You can do more for your peers who are struggling, suffering and longing than perhaps their parents, teachers, doctors, shrinks, etc.  Moreover, chronicling how God has worked in you, helping you heal, can do more good than we can even imagine.  Makes me think of the televised debates of the Kennedy vs Nixon presidency.  Kennedy, although not nearly as articulate or bright swept those debates because he was far better looking.  There’s so much opportunity to whisper change into people’s lives.  Resounding hope.

I’ll let you know if he bites.  I dare say, for the first time, he’s really thinking about it.

You were broken, abandoned
And crying all alone
We were waiting and praying
And longing to bring you home
And then we saw your face
In a moment you were wrapped up in our hearts
We took a step of faith
And now here we are

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you
Will you take my love and give up the fight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you

From a world away, I journeyed
Just to hold your hand
You will never be alone again
I’ve come so far to find you
So far to find you

You were fighting and fearful
You were hiding your heart away
But I was trying so hard to show you
‘Cause there were no words that I could say
If you could see my heart
You would know that all I want to do
Is care for you

Here in your eyes I see
Reflections of myself
How I’m the child that’s really running
But I can hear a voice (of God) that’s whispering my name
Saying come to me, don’t run from me
I’m all you need and I am calling

From Heaven’s throne
Down to a rugged cross I came
It was My love for you that brought Me all the way
So far to find you
So far to find you

You were broken, abandoned
And crying on your own.

Written by John Mark Hall, Stephen Curtis Chapman

When I heard it I thought of Vale… of how after 8 years later he still has distrust.  I wonder, how long until he stops fighting and enjoys being safe.

May 31st

Profound title is it not?  Per Vale’s request WalkingThroughWithVale has been deleted.  I apologize if that causes any inconvenience, he just felt he didn’t do enough on the blog and wanted it down for the time being.  Perhaps one day, he’ll pick up a keyboard and start blogging again.

Yesterday is one of the first days that I’ve been able to open my eyes to progress.  I am so thankful to our Heavenly Father for all his gifts, His goodness and His fingerprints all over Vale.

“Hope is the thing with feathers 
That perches in the soul 
And sings the tune without the words 
And never stops at all.” 
― Emily Dickinson

Fried Chicken Tizzy

Never knew that fried chicken could change your outlook and inspire hope did you?  Vale, out of the blue, told the family that for some reason he was craving fried chicken.  If you know anything about anorexic behavior, you know that they don’t crave *anything*.

Needless to say that the moment the family got home from church, Payne hopped on that computer to find the closest KFC.  A nearly mad scramble was made to obtain these nearly holy grail-esque poultry pieces.

Mom wasn’t home.  She’s in Rhode Island with Grey.

Vale reported… he ate like a boy. ;)

gracebrownphoto:

ten photos from my series project unbreakable that remind me every day why i do this work and why i will never stop:

because it is our duty as humans to lessen the suffering of others, and if we can take a moment to bear witness to these words, we are able to carry the weight of them just a little bit.

—

project unbreakable is a series created in october 2011 featuring photos of sexual assault survivors holding quotes from their attacker, quotes from their friends/family regarding the abuse, or statements from themselves regarding the abuse.

(via projectunbreakable)

Source: gracebrownphoto

Astounded

I was checking my tumblr today and saw that my blog has had over 406,000 hits!!  That, to me, is incredible, and has left a large smile on Vale’s face.  I think it aids in his healing to know so many people want to hear his story.  So if you’ve visited my page, if you’ve posted a note, if you’ve followed, reblogged (and yes, even you who made fun of my posts) or liked my posts, I thank you.  You’re helping my son get better.  My heart can not express the words of gratefulness for that.

Unhelpful friends

If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?  James 2:15-16

I’ve been thinking a lot about this principle lately.  We’re having revival meetings.  I realize there isn’t going to be much revival in me, especially since I go to church ‘propped up’.  I ask for it anyway.  I ask for ears to hear.  I ask that God would bring someone along side me to strengthen my hand and help me not feel so alone.  He hasn’t provided that yet.  But I have received, and not at the Hand of God, well meaning yet hurtful friends.  

These are the people who say, “why don’t you just give it to God”, or (and this is just sweet) if Vale committed suicide it’s “not your fault”.  They admonish me to get some rest.  They just. don’t. get. it.  Now they claim they do, because after all they’ve gone through heartache themselves.  One friend tells me they understand a loosing a child to suicide because they’ve lost two pregnancies.  Ummm, loosing a pregnancy is difficult, I know, I lost one.  Lemme tell you it, it’s not close to equitable to nursing a damaged child recovering from rape.  These friends wrote to me the following

As our children became young adults, they desired to stretch their wings and adventure past the four walls of our house, and this corner of the world. The Lord gave them many opportunities to do so, and it was with great fear in my own heart that I put them into cars and planes to travel across this country and across the world. Lying awake at night and worrying did nothing to keep them safe as they ventured out on their own. I was forced to trust them to the Lord. At any time He can choose to take them to Him.



…. and that’s supposed to equate to my son taking his own life, which has nothing to do with God?  Does it come close to the panic I feel every morning when he takes a medication that might actually exacerbate his suicidal ideologies?  Are you kidding me?  I have a child who drives.  Oh my word, my child could choke on a cookie and go home to the Lord!  I sometimes wonder if God gives me so many hard things to carry because there are so many weak folk like the writer above, who can’t handle anything outside the ordinary.

We went through this quite a bit when Vale’s twin was having a lot of health issues.  People went as far as to state things like, “oh I know what you’re going through.. why just last week my dog got so sick..”  WHAT!?!?  How is that even similar?

But back to that verse on the top.  Another quote from the letter from my ‘friend’:

You are struggling mentally, physically and emotionally through this trial. Let me encourage you to step back for a moment and consider what is happening. What good will you be to any of your children if you can not think clearly to guide them to all Truth? How can you minister to them if you are exhausted and unwell, physically? How can you guide them into all truth if you are not drinking from the well yourself?

You know, they’re absolutely right.  But what they’re missing is that the level of vigilance and work that must be done 24 hours a day leaves no room for refreshment.  My children are so on edge that they’ve taken to finding me and reassuring themselves of my presence when I’m even in the bathroom!  So you’re telling me to find rest… when should that be?  hmmm?  How do I obtain that?  Where do I find that?  Or better yet, why not help provide that?  

Why do you think folks don’t actually help?  Do you think the situation is so messy they don’t want to get their hands dirty?  Do you think it’s because they don’t know how to help?  Admittedly I don’t know how to ask.  Is it because they’re so wrapped up in their lives that they can’t see past their own front door?  Then of course I have to end this posting by asking, how often do I do the same lazy, ignorant, selfish things myself?

New Coping Skills

I’ve begun utilizing a new coping skill, and I’m not all together proud of it.  Honestly, I needed some help.  I am incredibly lonely and am working on keeping the family together by myself.  My husband, even thought he is a good man, can’t rise to the challenge and as he has often done in the past, is loosing himself in his work and denial.  He knows that I am strong enough to bear most things so it’s easier for him to put off, ignore or deny how badly he’s needed.  I think he honestly tells himself I don’t need him, but then I wouldn’t resort to.. *this*.

*This* is used to keep me more quiet and numb feeling, I have so much incredible noise in my head, although at times it makes me incredibly sad.  But I have had a good cry, so I guess that’s a good thing. Hmmmm, why write about it?  Well I’m thinking that when another mom views this blog looking for support in dealing with her child going through so much pain she won’t feel alone in looking for an artificial crutch.

Intellectually I realize that Vale was raped 6 years ago.  Before I even knew him, let alone when he was my son.  In fact I have adopted another son who was sexually abused as well, but we knew it going into it, and he didn’t have major fall out.  Because the disclosure happened now, it seems to me that it happened now.  I’m dealing with all the mess now.  We’re talking to police now. Going for therapy now.  Working with him through it now.   None of that occurred 6 years ago.  I just mentally draw myself up into a fetal position and think, “my baby… my baby… my baby…”

And then the kicker is the fallout of the other children… oh, that’s so hard.  My oldest withdraws from the family.  Vale’s twin wants to know every little thing so she can somehow come to grips with it or control it.  The next in line dreams dreams…the next puts on a facade and cries to me when she the mask slips.  The youngest just can’t seem to understand, and why should he.

Add to this running for therapy, school, other obligations .. I sound like a broken record.  Can’t I please have a vacation?

Please?

Question:

How old is your son, and how long has he been self harming? I’m a sixteen year old girl, and I’ve been self harming for about four years, and my parents have only known for about a year. I like to see it from a parent’s point of view, because it helps me stop. Also, I really do enjoy your blog. It’s the first blog I’ve come across that is intelligent and from a parent’s point of view. Sorry I’m anonymous, I just don’t want my business broadcasted with my name by it. Ha.
Answer:

Hi !

Thanks for your question and all your kind thoughts.  I’m glad someone enjoys the blog and that it’s beneficial to someone else besides me!

My son is 14 and has been cutting for about a year.  He stopped for a short period, but picked it back up.  We didn’t come to know about it until 1 month ago today.

I’m so glad that you can see things from a parent’s point of view and more importantly that it’s helping you to stop.  Every time I see Vale’s arms I feel sick inside.  He’s my baby, my child.  It hurts so much, I can’t express it with words.  It’s wonderful that you’re trying to empathize with your parents and stop, at least partially, for their sake.  I would pray that you would stop for your own sake, because you learned to value the most amazing gift ever given, your life. =)

Totally understand the anonymity.  I don’t broadcast our names either. ;)

 

At the CAC

Yesterday didn’t begin smoothly.  Vale didn’t want to get out of bed.  I’m sure he was trying to avoid having to go to the CAC.  Although it was important, it was difficult getting food in him.  I can’t imagine the level of anxiety he was experiencing.  I try to empathize, but I know my attempts are futile.

When we actually got the the building he was in a better head space, but after signing in, he didn’t sit near me nor talk to me.  Understand, I don’t hold this against him.  This had to be one of the most difficult mornings of his life.  Soon he would have to go into a room and tell a forensic investigator all the secrets he’s been holding for the past 6 years, knowing that who knows how many more people will be viewing your testimony via a video camera?  Who wouldn’t want to climb a wall with a situation like that?  Shortly, the investigator came to greet him and her demeanor seemed to set him more at ease.  Before he went to the interview room he came to sit with me and let me hug him and pray with him.  I even got a smile.

He seemed to be upstairs in the interview room for a very long time, although I doubt in reality it was the space of 30 minutes.  I tried to spend the time considering Psalm 16 and praying for him.  I prayed that God would loosen his throat and enable him to say the words that are so hard.  I prayed that God would give him peace and comfort and he would feel strength.  I prayed that God would give him clarity to remember things with as much detail as possible.  I prayed that God would pour His grace upon Vale.

If your child has the need to go to a Children’s Advocacy Center, let me tell you a little about the ‘routine’ how we experienced it.

  1. We signed in
  2. We were greeted by a few people including the receptionist and the forensic interviewer
  3. Vale was taken to the interview room where there was a video camera and microphone to capture his testimony.  In another room there was a pediatrician, the director of the CAC, an investigator from the regional office of CYS and a state trooper.  By having all these necessary parties view the video, Vale was able to make his disclosure once, eliminating the need to retell his story time and again.  This helps preserve the accuracy and integrity of the testimony and it is far less traumatizing.  In other cases, an ADA may also be in attendance, as well as other CYS representatives.
  4. After Vale’s testimony, they brought him downstairs and occupied him with activities and snacks and asked me to come upstairs.  When I met with the interviewing team they gave me an overview of how they thought the questioning went, some counsel and advice and told me what would happen next.  The advice wasn’t anything that we weren’t already doing but it was reassuring to have the reinforcement. 
  5. After this Vale was given a physical exam and had blood and urine samples taken.  This exam was really to see if there was anything that perhaps Vale felt he couldn’t reveal and the samples were to test for any possible sexually transmitted diseases.  If the assault was more recent, they would be looking for any evidence that they could collect.  And since the ADA and law enforcement would already be there, the chain of evidence would be in tact.
  6. The trooper then met with Vale and talked with him a little (small talk) and gave us a booklet on victim services etc, that had the case number as well as the trooper’s phone and badge number.
  7. After this the CAC can either provide you and your child with or set you up with therapy services.
  8. There is no fee for these services.



The investigative team thought Vale did a fantastic job, that they didn’t feel he was holding anything back (Praise God).  They don’t think there is anymore information for him to give (Praise God).  The investigator thought that he was layered in a profound amount of shame.  Oh if the shame were an outer skin that I could slough off.  If it were a demon I could excise.  If it were a cancer that we could cut out.  We can tell him a million times that he has nothing to be ashamed of.  He could have walked right up to his perp and said, “please have sex with me” and that would not put a speck of dust on him.  But he lacks the ability to hear that right now.  

A kicker, the trooper told me that although he can call and ask the perp to come in for an interview, he can’t compel him to.  The trooper can’t make the perp come in and answer to these charges.  However, by law, Vale had to come in and be questioned.  Wow.  Where is the justice in that??  Then the trooper really has to try to secure some type of confession out of the perp, otherwise this is going to go no where.  But I’m not naive, I didn’t expect more.  God will deal with the perp. And when you deal with God, well let’s just say, there will be Hell to pay. 

Vale was quiet pleased to meet the trooper.  They shared some fun small talk as the trooper related that he had actually studied at Temple University to become an illustrator. So perhaps if there is more to this case, this foundation will help in the future.

Vale was in a far different mood when we left. I was so glad to see the relief in him. In fact he gravitated so far the other way, we needed to leave the cafe we were at because he was a little over the top. But I would rather a little bit of that than the shut down.

So much to type…

… and yet so little energy to do it with.  We had a lovely time with friends yesterday, a pretty positive day all around.  Until the evening that is.  One the way home from church, I explained to the children that I was exceedingly tired and I asked them to get their things together, get something to eat and go to bed peaceably so that I could go to bed at a decent hour.  Vale’s disposition was off all evening.  He was distant, limp and cold.  I knew something was up and asked him several times if something was wrong, if he needed to talk or if he had something he shouldn’t have.  He just looked at me blankly and murmured virtually nothing.  Bedtime had come.  As my husband and I were having our evening snack, Vale comes down with his bland face, eyes darting about, acting anxious.  He handed over a knife.  He picked it up at the church and smuggled it out.  When he showed me his arms.. oh my, what a disaster.  He started cutting on his stomach as well.  That was new.

His anxiety was elevated because we had the meeting at the CAC (please see a previous post) the next morning and he was horribly concerned about it.  What worried him most was that there would be a camera and microphone in the forensic interviewing room.  He hated the thought of the video camera.  Also he felt that the last time he was interviewed he got two details confused and he would ‘mess things up’ and no one would believe him.  No matter how much soothing, affection, tears etc I tried to showered on him would bring him back to me, he stayed in that distant vacant place he went.  

As dreadful as his arms looked, the vacancy was more intimidating, more heart wrenching.

Question:

Question: RE your post on Vale: If you are struggling with having him tell his story over and over, maybe you could approach it from the perspective of writing? It might be safer if he has that distance. I know that’s helped me in the past.

I really like your posts so far. Thank you for talking about this issue. <3

Chungyenhttp://morereasonsyoushouldntfuckkids.tumblr.com/
Answer:

Hello,

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and reply.  I’m really humbled that anyone is taking interest in this story.  I’m going to try to write about why I have started a blog, and actually one of the reasons is to bring this into the open.  It seems more culturally acceptable for girls to express their feelings etc, but it’s taboo or not manly for a boy or man.  Boys are self mutilators.  Boys have ED.  Boys are molested.  Boys need help.

I agree with you, writing is an incredible outlet, which is the other reason why I am blogging.  It’s cathartic for me.  We (his dad and I) do encourage Vale to express himself through writing and through art.  He has a journal where he writes poetry which is quite beautiful  (which I hope he lets me post one day) and he draws.  He also takes pictures and reflects his feelings through the edits.  In fact, you may be interested to know that Vale has started a tumblr blog as well, where he has posted some of his photography.  You might be interested in visiting that.  You can find the link for his blog on my page.

Thanks again for writing to me with your advice and support.  I appreciate it.

~Vale’s Mom