Have you seen the Tumblr blog, Project Unbreakable?  It is an amazing photo memoir approach to sexual assault activism.  Survivors have themselves photographed with a poster that has the words of their rapist written on them.  So incredibly powerful!  I’m awed by what they are doing.  But enough of listening to me.  Please go check it out yourself.

Project Unbreakable

Project Unbreakable was created in October of 2011 by Grace Brown. Grace works with survivors of sexual assault, photographing them holding a poster with a quote from their attacker. Grace has photographed over four hundred people and has received over a thousand submissions.

TIME magazine has also named it one of the top 30 Tumblr blogs to follow.

If you are interested in participating by submitting in your own image, you may send an email to projectunbreakablesubmissions @gmail.com.

Note: Grace, or anyone else associated with this project, is not qualified to give certified advice on this subject.

If you are struggling, RAINN has a free, confidential, 24/7 sexual assault hotline: 1.800.656.HOPE(4673). RAINN also has an online hotline: https://ohl.rainn.org/online/

A Mind Lost, Part 2

I just want to tell you up front that I don’t do the whole Part 1, Part 2 thing because I am trying to build tension and draw back readers.  I just get concerned that my posts are too long and the tedium will drive you to tears.  So I break it up to cut down on ennui.

I ended the last post with Vale’s disclosure.  Now, I’m not going to say that everything that’s happened with Oldest Son since Vale’s disclosure is directly related to the disclosure.  But I have to think that we’d be fools not to consider it.

Things with Oldest Son and his girl started heating up and he seemed more interested in getting physically close to her than actually thinking about her or doing right by her.  Since up to this point he was so willing to listen to his father and I and be guided by us and by the girlfriend’s parents we gently cautioned him to slow down and think and be aware of this girl’s needs and to take care of her like a gentleman.  Now him and said girl have known each other for years, so it’s not like they just met.  And said girl was also adopted from foster care so they have quite a bit in common.  I can see this girl being a life match for Oldest Son.  But after 1 month ofnot even formally courting he and she started talking about love and marriage, they were texting constantly, and he was breaking the standards he himself had set for this relationship.  So we sit Oldest Son down and try to put some reality into his head.  He hasn’t applied for any type of college, he isn’t doing stellar at his swing managing position at (Fast Food Joint) and we know this because my husband is his boss, so how is he going to make a future for himself and this girl?  Where is his head, what is he thinking?  We asked him to take a 2 week sabbatical from the girlfriend and just spend it thinking and praying and seeking God concerning things.  Apply for the college he was talking about, find ways to demonstrate leadership and set limits for himself in this relationship with said girl.  Do things decently and in order.  He also has a biological sister who needs some of his attention and he completely has ignored her, and we could use some help around the house because this new situation with Vale has us flummoxed and we need another adult.  He said he would.  He lied.

We found out that during these two weeks that he was to set himself aside to pray, to study, to fill out college applications, to set a schedule, etc he was secretly texting her… in the middle of the night.  This sabbatical was in the middle of February and the things we asked him to do are still not done.  After we found out that we was sneaking around and texting this girl even after he assured us he was not, we were livid and the down hill slide began.  We were furious not only because he lied habitually and he sneaked around behind our backs but because this girl was suffering from terrible migraines from not enough sleep and he was keeping her up at night!  How freakin’ selfish is THAT!  I couldn’t believe he would be such a tool!  We started imposing limits on Oldest Son and things have been haywire ever since.

Since Oldest Son works on sheer impulse he cannot (will not?) articulate exactly what’s going on with him.  Is he triggered?  Is he scared of something?  We cannot help him, because we don’t know what the problem is.  When we ask him he either denies the problem, or says he doesn’t know.  In fact he tends to give his patented ‘feel sorry for me, I used to be a foster kid’ hang-dogged expression and that pisses me off.

So we’re now at a point where something has to give.  We’ve taken his cell phone from him entirely because of the lying.  He was sort of forced to reckon with the girlfriend and gave her a commitment to contact her twice a week (because he simply stopped since he couldn’t have a cell phone) and he doesn’t even do that.  We found a hole that was carefully cut out of the wall in his closet that contained knives and other hoard-y things.  He denies making it (which is ridiculous).  We are finding gum stuck under furniture, inside lamps…the speakers of his stereo have been taken apart so he can stash things there.  We found a screwdriver shoved up under the top bunk (Oldest Son sleeps on the lower).  We have heard reports about more knives had by Oldest Son but can’t find them yet.  What in the world is going on with this kid.  His behavior is so bizarre!!  This past week he has done two profoundly stupid things at work and has gotten himself written up.  My husband speculates that Oldest will not be able to hold on to management position if things continue this way.

The most pressing issue is that he’s roughed up two of his younger brothers.  Vale said something to him that set him off and he knocked Vale to the ground and had him pinned there.  Oldest Son seemed visibly upset, he wept profusely, when he realized what he had done, for he is easily twice Vale’s size.  And the truly sad thing is that his repentance is questioned by me (because he wept on Vale, the injured party, seeking comfort from him).  Is it an act?  Then a week later he roughed up Youngest Son and put him up against a wall because Youngest Son told us something that got Oldest Son in trouble and Oldest Son was trying to get Youngest to say he was lying.  Nice huh?  Treason in the family, for me, is close to an unpardonable sin.

The family is at odds with Oldest Son.  With the exception of Vale, none of the kids want him around.  Oddly, even though Oldest as hurt Vale directly the most, Vale is the most gracious.  Payne wants him gone, but then again Payne is hard on people.  They don’t want him in family therapy.  They don’t want him coming on outings with us.  Honestly, he has the day off and I dread having him around all day.  And I hate, hate, hate feeling like that about my son!!!

Husband and I are at a loss.  How do you discipline a 20 yr old.  He goes no where.  He hasn’t seen his girl in a month or two, because he can’t get through one single week without lying.  He has nothing to take away.  We’ve tried talking to him, but since we can’t believe anything he says and he doesn’t try to think about why he is behaving this way, you can’t help.  It’s craziness!  I’m afraid that the options are this: either get professional help, or you have to get out. This kills me!  Oldest has such incredible potential.  He has charisma and compassion that could touch thousands.  I can see this kid working at a Christian Camp and touching young lives with his story.  So often kids come to these camps and don’t feel like they can relate to the staff because a lot of the time the staff grew up on Christian homes.  But Oldest Son could relate, and make them feel heard.  He could do so much good.  Why does he continue to live as though he’s in the jungle somewhere and it’s every man for himself?  Why does he choose a life he so vehemently fought to get away from?  Any thoughts?  Please comment, we could certainly use some insight or ideas.

A Mind Lost, Part 1

My oldest one.  He’s 20.  I think he may have gone mad.

Just a little back ground.  We adopted our oldest when he was 16 yrs old, and he came to live with us just shy of his 15th birthday.  Everyone thought he was the most amazing kid, growing up as he did…

Okay, quick aside, he just literally left for work.  Almost late.  Again.  He had his socks in his hands and his shoes on his feet.

Me: Why are you putting dirty socks in your pocket?

Him: They’re not dirty, they’re my socks

Me: Why aren’t they on your feet?

Him: I can put them on when I get to work.

Me: Why don’t you put them on NOW?

Him: Because I have to get going!

You got to understand, he’s the opening manager for the store, a quick service restaurant.  The manager.  Who won’t even have his socks on when he get’s to work.  Yesterday when he left for work he used the toilet, didn’t flush, didn’t wash his hands, didn’t brush his teeth.  And he’s a restaurant manager. *shakes head*

Back to my story…amazing child who grew up with one crappy childhood.  Constant truancy, mom always trying to be under the radar, homeless, living with various creepy people, being shipped off with creepy people, oh and did I mention a victim of incest?  Yeah, bio-daddy is still serving in the state pen, the sick freak.  You couldn’t help be totally in love with this kid.  He was good with the other children, (although Vale did not like him when he first arrived at the house.  Oldest Son was the same age as Vale’s perp though, it’s no wonder) helpful around the house, and most of all he wanted to overcome his past and have a new life.  How could you not want to be part of that.

Oldest Son has always had his problems, what foster kid doesn’t.  What sexually abused child doesn’t?  We didn’t have him in therapy because he had been in and out of therapy for the past 6 years and was sick to death of it.  He was also very over medicated when he came, so we helped him down off all those pharmaceuticals, with the aid of our doctor of course, and tried to let him live as close to a normal childhood as possible with the few years he had left.  Some of Oldest Son’s issues were unrealistic self-reliance (thought he knew everything), hoarding and lying.  He lied a lot.  He also had huge educational deficits from the 8 ears of academic free wheeling his mother did.  So like any other good adoptive parent, we threw ourselves into this kid and gave him our all.  We home educated him via virtual charter school to ensure he got the remediation he needed, I learned all about the special education laws in our state and hand crafted an IEP for him, spent 16 hours a day on school his freshman year because he didn’t know how to write a paper to save his life, provided structure, discipline, balance and a ton of love.

We gave him two very solid years of support and focused a large amount of our attention and effort solely on him.  Then Payne broke her back and a series of events outside our control rained down on us.  I simply couldn’t devote the time I previously had on Oldest Son, but hey, that’s how things roll in a family.  Oldest Son started to slip, not taking responsibility for himself, holding himself accountable, grades were sliding (maybe incrementally shutting down?).  By the time he graduated from high school we were questioning if that was a reality for him because he was failing one of his courses.  He spent the majority of his school day just playing games.  All that lust for life and drive for the better seemed to be gone.  We saw a 19-year-old who had no drive, no ambition and no desire to grow up.  He had some nebulous plans, but nothing solid and no real game plan to achieve them.  Oldest Son is like water, seeking the path of least resistance, going with the flow, no substance.  This was probably an excellent survival skill when in foster care, but it’s no way to live.  And if you ask him why he makes these types of choices the answer is the same, “I don’t know” and you know what, I really think he doesn’t.  I don’t think he has one single thought about himself or his future, besides basic survival skills.

Fast forward a little bit.  It’s January, and Oldest Son still hasn’t made an effort to join the world of productive adults.  Oh, he works, but just enough to say he works.  It’s not like he’s striving for achievement or bettering himself.  No college applications, no effort to move ahead.. or even along.  Oldest Son starts seeing this girl.  Now this girl is lovely and we like her very much and we were happy for him.  He seemed like his old self, wanting to learn and grow and be guided by us.  Aha we think…maybe this is the key.  Maybe Oldest Son won’t motivate himself for improvement for himself, but surely he will do so for this girl!  He’ll want to be a better man for her!  And it appeared that our assumption was correct.

And then Vale disclosed.

fortheboysfromthismom.com

Source:

A Mind Lost, Part 2

I just want to tell you up front that I don’t do the whole Part 1, Part 2 thing because I am trying to build tension and draw back readers.  I just get concerned that my posts are too long and the tedium will drive you to tears.  So I break it up to cut down on ennui.

I ended the last post with Vale’s disclosure.  Now, I’m not going to say that everything that’s happened with Oldest Son since Vale’s disclosure is directly related to the disclosure.  But I have to think that we’d be fools not to consider it.

Things with Oldest Son and his girl started heating up and he seemed more interested in getting physically close to her than actually thinking about her or doing right by her.  Since up to this point he was so willing to listen to his father and I and be guided by us and by the girlfriend’s parents we gently cautioned him to slow down and think and be aware of this girl’s needs and to take care of her like a gentleman.  Now him and said girl have known each other for years, so it’s not like they just met.  And said girl was also adopted from foster care so they have quite a bit in common.  I can see this girl being a life match for Oldest Son.  But after 1 month of not even formally courting he and she started talking about love and marriage, they were texting constantly, and he was breaking the standards he himself had set for this relationship.  So we sit Oldest Son down and try to put some reality into his head.  He hasn’t applied for any type of college, he isn’t doing stellar at his swing managing position at (Fast Food Joint) and we know this because my husband is his boss, so how is he going to make a future for himself and this girl?  Where is his head, what is he thinking?  We asked him to take a 2 week sabbatical from the girlfriend and just spend it thinking and praying and seeking God concerning things.  Apply for the college he was talking about, find ways to demonstrate leadership and set limits for himself in this relationship with said girl.  Do things decently and in order.  He also has a biological sister who needs some of his attention and he completely has ignored her, and we could use some help around the house because this new situation with Vale has us flummoxed and we need another adult.  He said he would.  He lied.

We found out that during these two weeks that he was to set himself aside to pray, to study, to fill out college applications, to set a schedule, etc he was secretly texting her… in the middle of the night.  This sabbatical was in the middle of February and the things we asked him to do are still not done.  After we found out that we was sneaking around and texting this girl even after he assured us he was not, we were livid and the down hill slide began.  We were furious not only because he lied habitually and he sneaked around behind our backs but because this girl was suffering from terrible migraines from not enough sleep and he was keeping her up at night!  How freakin’ selfish is THAT!  I couldn’t believe he would be such a tool!  We started imposing limits on Oldest Son and things have been haywire ever since.

Since Oldest Son works on sheer impulse he cannot (will not?) articulate exactly what’s going on with him.  Is he triggered?  Is he scared of something?  We cannot help him, because we don’t know what the problem is.  When we ask him he either denies the problem, or says he doesn’t know.  In fact he tends to give his patented ‘feel sorry for me, I used to be a foster kid’ hang-dogged expression and that pisses me off.

So we’re now at a point where something has to give.  We’ve taken his cell phone from him entirely because of the lying.  He was sort of forced to reckon with the girlfriend and gave her a commitment to contact her twice a week (because he simply stopped since he couldn’t have a cell phone) and he doesn’t even do that.  We found a hole that was carefully cut out of the wall in his closet that contained knives and other hoard-y things.  He denies making it (which is ridiculous).  We are finding gum stuck under furniture, inside lamps…the speakers of his stereo have been taken apart so he can stash things there.  We found a screwdriver shoved up under the top bunk (Oldest Son sleeps on the lower).  We have heard reports about more knives had by Oldest Son but can’t find them yet.  What in the world is going on with this kid.  His behavior is so bizarre!!  This past week he has done two profoundly stupid things at work and has gotten himself written up.  My husband speculates that Oldest will not be able to hold on to management position if things continue this way.

The most pressing issue is that he’s roughed up two of his younger brothers.  Vale said something to him that set him off and he knocked Vale to the ground and had him pinned there.  Oldest Son seemed visibly upset, he wept profusely, when he realized what he had done, for he is easily twice Vale’s size.  And the truly sad thing is that his repentance is questioned by me (because he wept on Vale, the injured party, seeking comfort from him).  Is it an act?  Then a week later he roughed up Youngest Son and put him up against a wall because Youngest Son told us something that got Oldest Son in trouble and Oldest Son was trying to get Youngest to say he was lying.  Nice huh?  Treason in the family, for me, is close to an unpardonable sin.

The family is at odds with Oldest Son.  With the exception of Vale, none of the kids want him around.  Oddly, even though Oldest as hurt Vale directly the most, Vale is the most gracious.  Payne wants him gone, but then again Payne is hard on people.  They don’t want him in family therapy.  They don’t want him coming on outings with us.  Honestly, he has the day off and I dread having him around all day.  And I hate, hate, hate feeling like that about my son!!!

Husband and I are at a loss.  How do you discipline a 20 yr old.  He goes no where.  He hasn’t seen his girl in a month or two, because he can’t get through one single week without lying.  He has nothing to take away.  We’ve tried talking to him, but since we can’t believe anything he says and he doesn’t try to think about why he is behaving this way, you can’t help.  It’s craziness!  I’m afraid that the options are this: either get professional help, or you have to get out. This kills me!  Oldest has such incredible potential.  He has charisma and compassion that could touch thousands.  I can see this kid working at a Christian Camp and touching young lives with his story.  So often kids come to these camps and don’t feel like they can relate to the staff because a lot of the time the staff grew up on Christian homes.  But Oldest Son could relate, and make them feel heard.  He could do so much good.  Why does he continue to live as though he’s in the jungle somewhere and it’s every man for himself?  Why does he choose a life he so vehemently fought to get away from?  Any thoughts?  Please comment, we could certainly use some insight or ideas.

A Mind Lost, Part 1

My oldest one.  He’s 20.  I think he may have gone mad.

Just a little back ground.  We adopted our oldest when he was 16 yrs old, and he came to live with us just shy of his 15th birthday.  Everyone thought he was the most amazing kid, growing up as he did…

Okay, quick aside, he just literally left for work.  Almost late.  Again.  He had his socks in his hands and his shoes on his feet.

Me: Why are you putting dirty socks in your pocket?

Him: They’re not dirty, they’re my socks

Me: Why aren’t they on your feet?

Him: I can put them on when I get to work.

Me: Why don’t you put them on NOW?

Him: Because I have to get going!
You got to understand, he’s the opening manager for the store, a quick service restaurant.  The manager.  Who won’t even have his socks on when he get’s to work.  Yesterday when he left for work he used the toilet, didn’t flush, didn’t wash his hands, didn’t brush his teeth.  And he’s a restaurant manager. *shakes head*

Back to my story…amazing child who grew up with one crappy childhood.  Constant truancy, mom always trying to be under the radar, homeless, living with various creepy people, being shipped off with creepy people, oh and did I mention a victim of incest?  Yeah, bio-daddy is still serving in the state pen, the sick freak.  You couldn’t help be totally in love with this kid.  He was good with the other children, (although Vale did not like him when he first arrived at the house.  Oldest Son was the same age as Vale’s perp though, it’s no wonder) helpful around the house, and most of all he wanted to overcome his past and have a new life.  How could you not want to be part of that.

Oldest Son has always had his problems, what foster kid doesn’t.  What sexually abused child doesn’t?  We didn’t have him in therapy because he had been in and out of therapy for the past 6 years and was sick to death of it.  He was also very over medicated when he came, so we helped him down off all those pharmaceuticals, with the aid of our doctor of course, and tried to let him live as close to a normal childhood as possible with the few years he had left.  Some of Oldest Son’s issues were unrealistic self-reliance (thought he knew everything), hoarding and lying.  He lied a lot.  He also had huge educational deficits from the 8 ears of academic free wheeling his mother did.  So like any other good adoptive parent, we threw ourselves into this kid and gave him our all.  We home educated him via virtual charter school to ensure he got the remediation he needed, I learned all about the special education laws in our state and hand crafted an IEP for him, spent 16 hours a day on school his freshman year because he didn’t know how to write a paper to save his life, provided structure, discipline, balance and a ton of love.

We gave him two very solid years of support and focused a large amount of our attention and effort solely on him.  Then Payne broke her back and a series of events outside our control rained down on us.  I simply couldn’t devote the time I previously had on Oldest Son, but hey, that’s how things roll in a family.  Oldest Son started to slip, not taking responsibility for himself, holding himself accountable, grades were sliding (maybe incrementally shutting down?).  By the time he graduated from high school we were questioning if that was a reality for him because he was failing one of his courses.  He spent the majority of his school day just playing games.  All that lust for life and drive for the better seemed to be gone.  We saw a 19-year-old who had no drive, no ambition and no desire to grow up.  He had some nebulous plans, but nothing solid and no real game plan to achieve them.  Oldest Son is like water, seeking the path of least resistance, going with the flow, no substance.  This was probably an excellent survival skill when in foster care, but it’s no way to live.  And if you ask him why he makes these types of choices the answer is the same, “I don’t know” and you know what, I really think he doesn’t.  I don’t think he has one single thought about himself or his future, besides basic survival skills.

Fast forward a little bit.  It’s January, and Oldest Son still hasn’t made an effort to join the world of productive adults.  Oh, he works, but just enough to say he works.  It’s not like he’s striving for achievement or bettering himself.  No college applications, no effort to move ahead.. or even along.  Oldest Son starts seeing this girl.  Now this girl is lovely and we like her very much and we were happy for him.  He seemed like his old self, wanting to learn and grow and be guided by us.  Aha we think…maybe this is the key.  Maybe Oldest Son won’t motivate himself for improvement for himself, but surely he will do so for this girl!  He’ll want to be a better man for her!  And it appeared that our assumption was correct.

And then Vale disclosed.