Examples

There are so many things I want to blog about that all the noise from them dancing around in my head is making it difficult to actually post something.  Ridiculous right?

Something that’s been troubling me for a while is inviting those younger members from my church to read this blog.  I did it for Vale’s sake because if they have greater understanding they would have a greater ability to help him out.  But the idea of them reading the contents of my heart and mind are very disturbing for me for two reasons …1) am I setting the right examples for them, which I fear the answer is no and 2) is the entirety of my blog appropriate for them, what would their parents think.

This blog is the place where I hold nothing back, the entirety of my mind is spilled here and I do so for good reason.  I don’t want to do so in front of my children because they can’t and shouldn’t have to handle all of that.  Blogging it gives me a good, healthy and appropriate outlet.  Also I want to help other families.  If I can’t be honest about what’s going on, if I truncate the pain or the reactions to our situation it may tell other families that what they are experiencing is wrong or inappropriate.  I want other families to feel like they are not alone, so I can’t accomplish that if I’m being too careful with what I post.  Everything I write is completely real and sometimes brutally honest.  I struggle.  Sometimes I fail, or flail around trying to do right.  I do end up on my knees despairing, I also have my arms raised with triumph.

Where my conflict is how I move through some of the more difficult times or moments.  I wish I was able to be more victorious.  I wish my spiritual condition was more solid.  I don’t want to be a bad example to these young men or others who are reading my blog who are followers of Christ.  The other day when Vale and I were down at the basketball court, and Vale was struggling with playing ball that day, the Doctor came over and I explained to him why Vale was so anxious, he was wearing a tshirt for the first time in front of his peers.  The Doctor reminded me of the scripture, “Casting all your cares upon him, for he careth for you” (1 Peter 5:7).  I looked at him and felt rather blank, wondering how this verse pertained to me, I thought how naive he was for thinking that Vale’s ears could hear that now.  What my response should have been was to live like this truth indicates, but I’m not.  I worry, a lot.  I’m so scared, a lot.  I’ve developed panic attacks because of my response to this situation.  Does my example teach these young men that these verses are great while you’re young and in youth group, but when you become adults, you find out they don’t really ‘work’?  Is that what I’m doing?  I would hate to think that that is what they find when they read this blog.  I believe that verse!  I know He cares for me, so that I don’t have to be afraid, but I still am.  And I really don’t know how to stop being afraid.  But this I do know, I know that God loves me enough to want to teach me how to accomplish it.  If Christianity is a walk, I haven’t abandoned the path, I’ve just sat down for a while.  Can they see that?  It would kill me to think that I’ve impacted their walk with Christ negatively.

So is the answer to that that I need to start editing myself in this blog?  I can’t do that either!  I can’t pretend that I’m this WonderMom who has everything under control and even when she’s cleaning up her son’s bloody arm that she does it with a smile and complete assurance that everything’s okay.  Even as I type those very words my stomach is turning and I have the stench of cooper in my nose.  When you run a bloody wash clothe under hot water the room is rank with that odor.  My thoughts turn to the other families who read this and say, “OMW, that happens to me too!” because knowing someone else is experiencing the same trauma is so comforting.  How can I sell them out?  How can I sell myself out?  I want to look back at these early days of our blog and say, ‘Wow, we’ve come a long way!”  I still go to church quite regularly.  It is still a priority in my life, albeit it is more of filling an obligation or performing a duty than a real deep desire.  I’m still involved in church, teaching, ministering.  I still think about the things of God and what He would have me do.  I’m still fighting and trying to work things out.

No, I won’t invite my church at large to read this blog.  There are too many people who are narrow and legalistic, who would judge the reaction instead of the intent.  I’m thankful God isn’t like that.  I think about Elijah a lot.  He had this huge spiritual victory and then became so lonely and discouraged he actually asked God to let him die.  God didn’t give up on him, in face God allowed Elijah to have this time in the wilderness and He tenderly fed Elijah by His own hand.  I think God is doing this now, for me.  He isn’t riding me or condemning me for every fear, racing heartbeat or panic attack.  I will be strengthed by God and restored to full fellowship with him, just like Elijah did.  And I don’t expect to go on to do the great wonders and ministry that Elijah realized, and I certainly don’t anticipate being assumed into Heaven by a chariot of fire, I believe that there is a full life and ministry waiting for me on the other side.

Doctor.  Captain.  Could you learn that from my life example instead?