Introducing…

…two more siblings.  Vale has 5 siblings and you’ve met Payne already.  Well two more siblings want to come aboard and have picked out names for themselves.

Grey:  Grey was the artist of that picture that I posted a week or so ago that the he drew during family art therapy.  Grey shares a bedroom with Vale… Grey is the one who dreams dreams.  He’s 13, totally into Legos, BIONICLES and all things building.  He has a quiet and introspective mind that picks up far more than I wish.  He is not as outwardly demonstrative of his support of Vale, like Payne is, but he carries the burden in his heart.  I often hear him give Vale encouraging words.  I’ve asked him why he chose the name Grey and his answer is, “my own personal reasons”.  So there you have it.

Dolorosa:  I’m gunna call her D for short.  D picked out this name because she said it meant ‘sorrowing’ and the fact that she researched it tells you a little about her.  Dolorosa is my drama queen, cries at a drop of a hat and is super sensitive.  She misses how things were with Vale and tries not to make a fuss and draw my attention away from him by getting lost in her mini obsessions which are currently Star Trek, Star Wars, The Hunger Games and Les Miserables.  D loves fiercely and is equally devoted as well.  She’s 3 years younger than Vale (11) and her personality often clashes with his, she’s very vivid where he is blank, but he knows she’d bleed for him.  Dolorosa will fight tooth and nail with Vale concerning his sexual abuse, but his eating disorder and cutting are harder for her because she’s so sensitive.  She still struggles looking at his scars.  She tends to drive Payne crazy.  But siblings will do that right?

Maybe they’ll write a post or two.

Introducing…

…two more siblings.  Vale has 5 siblings and you’ve met Payne already.  Well two more siblings want to come aboard and have picked out names for themselves.

Grey:  Grey was the artist of that picture that I posted a week or so ago that the he drew during family art therapy.  Grey shares a bedroom with Vale… Grey is the one who dreams dreams.  He’s 13, totally into Legos, BIONICLES and all things building.  He has a quiet and introspective mind that picks up far more than I wish.  He is not as outwardly demonstrative of his support of Vale, like Payne is, but he carries the burden in his heart.  I often hear him give Vale encouraging words.  I’ve asked him why he chose the name Grey and his answer is, “my own personal reasons”.  So there you have it.

Dolorosa:  I’m gunna call her D for short.  D picked out this name because she said it meant ‘sorrowing’ and the fact that she researched it tells you a little about her.  Dolorosa is my drama queen, cries at a drop of a hat and is super sensitive.  She misses how things were with Vale and tries not to make a fuss and draw my attention away from him by getting lost in her mini obsessions which are currently Star Trek, Star Wars, The Hunger Games and Les Miserables.  D loves fiercely and is equally devoted as well.  She’s 3 years younger than Vale (11) and her personality often clashes with his, she’s very vivid where he is blank, but he knows she’d bleed for him.  Dolorosa will fight tooth and nail with Vale concerning his sexual abuse, but his eating disorder and cutting are harder for her because she’s so sensitive.  She still struggles looking at his scars.  She tends to drive Payne crazy.  But siblings will do that right?

Maybe they’ll write a post or two.

No posts? A Mini Vaca

Hello Faithful Readers,

I know you don’t wake every morning with bated breath wondering what’s going on at the FTB~FTM blog.  

I realize that your day isn’t structured around our familial ups and down.

I understand you all have lives!  

But I do feel that I need to give some type of accounting as to why we were gone from Tumblr for a few days.  Our family took a much needed mini vaca!  Simply put, we just went to a major city not too far from our home for an overnight stay where we visited historical sites and museums.  It was so nice to just get away and pretend for a small time that we have no struggles…well no out of the ordinary struggles. ;)

I’m pleased to say we only had one minor Vale related incident.  We went to a large mall to have get-what-you-want from-the-food-court dinner which is a family favorite.  Vale ordered a pretty decent sized sandwich and an order of fries.  Apparently he ate the first half rather quickly and his older, yet ignorant, brother commented about how much/how quickly he ate.  (Go ahead all you ED related folks, give a big ol’ face-palm!) Brother said it in a pleasant and complimentary way, but you dear readers with ED know that in your world there isn’t such a thing as a complement when it comes to food intake like this.  I’m sitting on the other end of the table desperately shaking my head, “stop talking! stop talking!” and Brother just sits going, “What?  What?” *sigh*

Vale looks at me after hearing the Brother’s comments.  I guess his food in his mouth was suddenly bitter because he just put his fork down and pushed his plate away.  Actually, it seemed almost defiant the way he did it.  He threw his fork down.  I wonder what was behind that.  Hmmm.  Fortunately, Vale was in a more cooperative state of mind and did end up eating the contents of the sandwich, although he left the bread (no big deal).  That minor hiccup largely avoided.

Overall it was a lovely time for us to be just a family.  Not us being a family that is dealing with sexual abuse trauma and it’s fallout.  You gotta put that a side sometimes.

No posts? A Mini Vaca

Hello Faithful Readers,

I know you don’t wake every morning with bated breath wondering what’s going on at the FTB~FTM blog.  

I realize that your day isn’t structured around our familial ups and down.

I understand you all have lives!  

But I do feel that I need to give some type of accounting as to why we were gone from Tumblr for a few days.  Our family took a much needed mini vaca!  Simply put, we just went to a major city not too far from our home for an overnight stay where we visited historical sites and museums.  It was so nice to just get away and pretend for a small time that we have no struggles…well no out of the ordinary struggles. ;)

I’m pleased to say we only had one minor Vale related incident.  We went to a large mall to have get-what-you-want from-the-food-court dinner which is a family favorite.  Vale ordered a pretty decent sized sandwich and an order of fries.  Apparently he ate the first half rather quickly and his older, yet ignorant, brother commented about how much/how quickly he ate.  (Go ahead all you ED related folks, give a big ol’ face-palm!) Brother said it in a pleasant and complimentary way, but you dear readers with ED know that in your world there isn’t such a thing as a complement when it comes to food intake like this.  I’m sitting on the other end of the table desperately shaking my head, “stop talking! stop talking!” and Brother just sits going, “What?  What?” *sigh*

Vale looks at me after hearing the Brother’s comments.  I guess his food in his mouth was suddenly bitter because he just put his fork down and pushed his plate away.  Actually, it seemed almost defiant the way he did it.  He threw his fork down.  I wonder what was behind that.  Hmmm.  Fortunately, Vale was in a more cooperative state of mind and did end up eating the contents of the sandwich, although he left the bread (no big deal).  That minor hiccup largely avoided.

Overall it was a lovely time for us to be just a family.  Not us being a family that is dealing with sexual abuse trauma and it’s fallout.  You gotta put that a side sometimes.

Fallout: Sleep (or the lack thereof) pt. 2

Why write a second post on the lack of sleep?  There is a different level for the lack of sleep I experience.  I’m not trying to say that mine is worse or better than any other member of the family, but if I could compare the lack of sleep to Dante’s vision of Hell, my lack is spiraled down lower in the descending rings.  To say it’s only my quality of sleep that is impacted would be a gross understatement.

I’m tired.  I need sleep so badly.  But I just don’t want to sleep.  I know when I go to bed I will fight with falling asleep, fight with staying asleep and fight while I am asleep.  And then there’s the fight I face when I wake up.  The other night I popped an Ambien and died in my bed.  After waking approximately 5 hours later I woke feeling refreshed, thinking that I had a good and full night sleep at last.  I couldn’t believe it that I thought I had succeeded with only 5 hours.  That’s where my sleep pattern has disintegrated to.  

Most days I long for sleep so badly by 1:00 in the afternoon, and not know how in the world I’m going to make it through supper time.  But what choice do you have when you’re the mom?  Take a nap?  I wish.  Who would make supper, ensure the children finish their schooling, manage the anxiety that would be within Vale as I rested and keep him safe?  That lot falls completely to me.

And of course, the last enemy of my sleep is fear ~ fear that plays out in one of two ways; either by keeping me awake or by bringing vivid nightmares.  My sleep is so light that every movement within the house wakes me with a start…’is that Vale wondering through the house?  Is he going down stairs?  Is he in the bathroom?’  That can happen several times a night.  And the nightmares?  Wes Craven could only wish he could get that creative.  Every single unmentioned worry, every seed of dug deep dread would take root and flower in my sleep.  Every sense would be involved in imagining; I could hear the rope pulled taught.  Feel the cold rain on my face.  Smell the acrid dankness in his clothing, the copper in his blood.  Taste acid in my mouth.  The horror entrenches itself so solidly, mere waking doesn’t disgorge it.

I need to sleep.  But I just. CAN’T.

Fallout: Sleep (or the lack thereof) pt. 2

Why write a second post on the lack of sleep?  There is a different level for the lack of sleep I experience.  I’m not trying to say that mine is worse or better than any other member of the family, but if I could compare the lack of sleep to Dante’s vision of Hell, my lack is spiraled down lower in the descending rings.  To say it’s only my quality of sleep that is impacted would be a gross understatement.

I’m tired.  I need sleep so badly.  But I just don’t want to sleep.  I know when I go to bed I will fight with falling asleep, fight with staying asleep and fight while I am asleep.  And then there’s the fight I face when I wake up.  The other night I popped an Ambien and died in my bed.  After waking approximately 5 hours later I woke feeling refreshed, thinking that I had a good and full night sleep at last.  I couldn’t believe it that I thought I had succeeded with only 5 hours.  That’s where my sleep pattern has disintegrated to.  

Most days I long for sleep so badly by 1:00 in the afternoon, and not know how in the world I’m going to make it through supper time.  But what choice do you have when you’re the mom?  Take a nap?  I wish.  Who would make supper, ensure the children finish their schooling, manage the anxiety that would be within Vale as I rested and keep him safe?  That lot falls completely to me.

And of course, the last enemy of my sleep is fear ~ fear that plays out in one of two ways; either by keeping me awake or by bringing vivid nightmares.  My sleep is so light that every movement within the house wakes me with a start…’is that Vale wondering through the house?  Is he going down stairs?  Is he in the bathroom?’  That can happen several times a night.  And the nightmares?  Wes Craven could only wish he could get that creative.  Every single unmentioned worry, every seed of dug deep dread would take root and flower in my sleep.  Every sense would be involved in imagining; I could hear the rope pulled taught.  Feel the cold rain on my face.  Smell the acrid dankness in his clothing, the copper in his blood.  Taste acid in my mouth.  The horror entrenches itself so solidly, mere waking doesn’t disgorge it.

I need to sleep.  But I just. CAN’T.

Fallout: The whole family

As I begin this series on fallout, I think the very first thing I would like to point out is that it affects *everyone*.  I find that it is one of the biggest misconceptions people on the outside have is that this trauma is just impacting Vale and his parents.  That is so ridiculous!  How could we possibly keep such a thing contained to just a few people when we live together?  It escapes me how narrow some people’s understanding is.

Before I go any further, allow me to sketch in a little more about our family.  We are a family of 8: 2 parental figures and 6 kids:



  • 43 yr old Mom (me!) stay at home, homeschools
  • 43 yr old Dad, works full time (and then some) managing a restaurant
  • 20 yr old male (adopted ~ out of high school)
  • 14 yr old female (Payne) 
  • 14 yr old male (Vale ~ he’s 6 months younger than Payne) (adopted)
  • 13 yr old male
  • 11 yr old female
  • 10 yr old male (adopted)

When a child discloses that he or she was sexually abused, had an eating disorder, is struggling with self mutilation, or in our case all three, there is no way to to restrict that revelation to just 2 or 3 people.  As you will see in my next few posts on fallout, the pain your child is going through is going to touch every area of your life.  How can you say, “No we aren’t going to use that swimming pass you got for your Christmas present right now, but I’m not going to explain why” (true to life scenario in our family ~ swimming would mean Vale would have to expose his arms, something he is only just starting to do).

Routines change, schedules change, attentions shift, strain is visible on our parental faces.  How in the world could this not trickle down on every member?  We are together almost all the time.  We are one of those odd families that eats dinner together 6 nights out of 7.  We like being together, and being a family means we share: joys and heartaches, successes and failures, traumas and triumphs.  Or more importantly, should it not trickle down to every member?  What would be be sparing the younger ones of?  Difficulty?  Pain?  Fear?  Isn’t the human existence riddled with these?  Yes we do shelter the youngest members from the worst of it and try to make all information age appropriate, but shutting them out would cause more distress in my opinion.  They’re not stupid, they can see things happening in the house.  Even with the most clandestine of trauma management, the most whispered of conversation, there is a strained vibration in the house, and not one child would miss that.

I guess every family needs to figure out what’s best for them and how to share information around with other members, but I think that you’ll find that trying to keep things a secret will be more time consuming and energy sapping than you could imagine. Fallout is going to happen. Some days it’s not a big deal, some days it will send you sprawling. Everyone is going to have to stick together.

Fallout: The whole family

As I begin this series on fallout, I think the very first thing I would like to point out is that it affects *everyone*.  I find that it is one of the biggest misconceptions people on the outside have is that this trauma is just impacting Vale and his parents.  That is so ridiculous!  How could we possibly keep such a thing contained to just a few people when we live together?  It escapes me how narrow some people’s understanding is.

Before I go any further, allow me to sketch in a little more about our family.  We are a family of 8: 2 parental figures and 6 kids:

  • 43 yr old Mom (me!) stay at home, homeschools
  • 43 yr old Dad, works full time (and then some) managing a restaurant
  • 20 yr old male (adopted ~ out of high school)
  • 14 yr old female (Payne) 
  • 14 yr old male (Vale ~ he’s 6 months younger than Payne) (adopted)
  • 13 yr old male
  • 11 yr old female
  • 10 yr old male (adopted)

When a child discloses that he or she was sexually abused, had an eating disorder, is struggling with self mutilation, or in our case all three, there is no way to to restrict that revelation to just 2 or 3 people.  As you will see in my next few posts on fallout, the pain your child is going through is going to touch every area of your life.  How can you say, “No we aren’t going to use that swimming pass you got for your Christmas present right now, but I’m not going to explain why” (true to life scenario in our family ~ swimming would mean Vale would have to expose his arms, something he is only just starting to do).

Routines change, schedules change, attentions shift, strain is visible on our parental faces.  How in the world could this not trickle down on every member?  We are together almost all the time.  We are one of those odd families that eats dinner together 6 nights out of 7.  We like being together, and being a family means we share: joys and heartaches, successes and failures, traumas and triumphs.  Or more importantly, should it not trickle down to every member?  What would be be sparing the younger ones of?  Difficulty?  Pain?  Fear?  Isn’t the human existence riddled with these?  Yes we do shelter the youngest members from the worst of it and try to make all information age appropriate, but shutting them out would cause more distress in my opinion.  They’re not stupid, they can see things happening in the house.  Even with the most clandestine of trauma management, the most whispered of conversation, there is a strained vibration in the house, and not one child would miss that.

I guess every family needs to figure out what’s best for them and how to share information around with other members, but I think that you’ll find that trying to keep things a secret will be more time consuming and energy sapping than you could imagine. Fallout is going to happen. Some days it’s not a big deal, some days it will send you sprawling. Everyone is going to have to stick together.

dragging on… dragging down

The entire family is so worn out.  Everyone is cranky, tired and on edge.  You set anyone of us still for any length of time, and we fall asleep.  We’re starting to pick fights, get easily offended and avoiding.  This can’t continue.  We need a break.  A rest.  Sometime apart from life.. doing *nothing*.  Or doing something fun?  Not a day.. an entire week.

I know everything comes in it’s season.  This is not a season for a vacation: we have school, activities, work, church obligations.  But I’m so weary now.

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”  

Matthew 11:28-30

I’m trying to live this.. really I am.  But the rest seems so elusive

I added pages

Instead of doing a lot of ‘blogging’ per se, I took the time to write some set up pages: why did I start this blog, a little about me and how this whole situation came to light.  I set them up as pages instead of blog entires, so that it would always be on the front page, so that new readers could get to know us a little better.  Hope you may take some time to read my new pages and get to know our story a little better.

You can find these pages just to the right of the main blog page, under the title “Pages”.. fancy that.

~Vale’s Mom

Today’s biggest task…

„,is dealing with the fact that company is coming tomorrow.  I have to deal with people coming into my house, and I have to cook them food.  I know, what’s the big deal right?  People do this everyday.  But for some reason, one I can’t quite ascertain, this is a monumentally daunting task for me.  I’m turning quite agoraphobic these days, and that can’t be healthy for anyone.

I want to cancel in the worst way.  I think about it every few minutes.  But I know that once the preparations are made and the visitors are actually here, I will enjoy the company.  Also it’s best for the family to engage in more ‘normal’ activities.  I also have the bonus of the fact that this family understands what we’re going through and are supportive, especially my fellow mom Karen.  And we are celebrating my oldest’s birthday…. so it’s all good and when I end this blog entry I will force myself to think on those positive things.

I have to do some food shopping.  Ordinarily I wouldn’t bring Vale, because that is *not* his thing.  But in light of what happened yesterday, do I bring him?  I’ll definitely lock up the tool boxes while I’m gone.  Maybe that will be good enough?  It’s a thin line (razor thin? cutting pun?)  between doing what you can to keep him safe and allowing him his very necessary autonomy.  Tough call.

Locks…

…define our house these days.  All sharp implements are locked in one of two tool boxes.  

They are black plastic little numbers with two small parts storage places in the lid, which we do not use, a tray inside to hold smaller objects, which we’ve learned not to use, and a large cavity to store your tools.. or cutting implements.  So how did Vale get a hold of the scissors yesterday?  Well he’s learned that he can unlatch the box and cram his hand in there, which is why we no longer keep anything in the tray.  But yesterday, he wormed his hand in, lifted the tray and tried to find something on the bottom.  He said it was really painful to do, but that didn’t stop him from grabbing the scissors.

These are the official keys, and you often hear shouts throughout the house, ‘who has the keys?!’  We have installed lockable doorknobs on bedroom doors so that the other children can have what they want in their room, and not worry about if everything that Vale could possibly hurt himself is stashed away.  Too much pressure to be that vigilant.  So if someone needs to get into their bedroom, they’ve got to figure out who had the keys last and procure them.

The last place we locked up is the basement, because that’s just cutter’s heaven.  Trying to make sure that Vale didn’t go down there was just too hard.  His favorite cutting implement is a box cutter.  And although we do have a lock on the tool box, it’s just too easy for him to find something.

Vale feels terrible about the house being so locked down.  He feels that he’s screwed everything up and forced the family to live like this.  Odd, because no one else in the house feels that way.  This child was raped when he was so young, bravely carried that secret for 6 years until it starting tearing out of of him.  Yep, it’s a pain in the keister sometimes to have to constantly be looking for the keys, but the cost in the long run is too high a price for us to pay.  So yeah, inconveniencing me a little in order for my boy to stay alive and safe?  Bring it on.

Not a good coping day

I admit it.  Some days I just don’t deal well.  I don’t know exactly what happens to make me less able to cope than others; the mood Vale is in (or how quickly he vacillates between moods), the amount of phone calls I’ve made or received, trying to manage more than one crisis at a time, etc.  Today I believe the impetus was the school trying to schedule even more meetings.  

I requested a 504 plan for Vale, to build in some protection for him when it came to school.  A 504 is similar to an IEP (a legal contract between you and the school for academic support of your special needs child) but is for health reasons as opposed to any type of learning disability.  If your child broke their leg and needed to use the elevator then perhaps you would have a 504 drafted to make sure that he/she is taken care of in school.  Because the initial doctor to see Vale thought that he would need to be in a day treatment program, for Vale focus is a major issue due to the onslaught of flashbacks he’s enduring, and the many appointments we’re attending, I wanted a 504 to enable Vale to have extension on assignments etc.  With everything going on, I didn’t want 7th grade to also be a burden.

Vale’s original doctor put on the 504 document that he wanted Vale tested for PDD, which honestly, blows my mind.  There are a number of reasons for that, but where are we getting autism with this child?  Perhaps they just want to rule anything organic out.  Anyway, because of the request to have Vale evaluated for PDD, the school is calling and wanting meeting after meeting to make sure they keep all their legal ducks in a row.  I appreciate their position, and that they are trying to be so proactive, but I need one more thing to deal with like I need the proverbial hole in the head.  So by 3:00 today, I had had it, and was in desperate need for a nap.  That proved to be a big mistake.

I laid down for about an hour and a half, and woke to find Vale sitting on the floor outside my bedroom.  I knew this was not a good sign and asked him what was the matter.  Without looking at me he handed me a pair of scissors and I knew what had happened.  Part of me wants to be angry with Vale because I can’t even take a nap without him hurting himself.  How am I going to get any type of self care?The strain of having to be so vigilant can really be overwhelming, not just for me, but to Vale’s father and siblings.  For instance, one of his sisters left her razor in the shower by accident.  Vale found it and gave it to her, but she was devastated that she put him in that dangerous predicament.  Vale didn’t use the razor, but that didn’t ease his sister’s mind.  And for that reason, my husband and I don’t feel like we can go out together, because if something would happen, Vale’s siblings would have to carry a terrible weight.  So there is no respite from this, no break.  Who would you ask to watch a child like this.  I doubt handling a possible suicide is not part of any babysitter’s manual.

However, I remember that Vale gave me the scissors, and that is the idea that I have to hang on to.  He could have stashed them in his room.  He could have pretended like nothing ever happened and put on his ‘I’m perfectly fine face’ when I woke from my nap.  He could have cut for a couple of days without my knowing, but he chose to give up the scissors right away.  How could I be angry with him?  Yes the situation strains everyone in the home.  The situation is difficult, tiring, worrisome.  But Vale isn’t the situation.  He didn’t cause it and most importantly he’s doing what he can to overcome it.  That’s worth a few naps, don’t you think?