How we got here

I sit and type in a beautiful room of a Ronald McDonald House while Vale is at a psychiatric treatment facility in a partial program.  If you had asked me six months ago if I could ever imagine myself here, I would have laughed.  Of course I wouldn’t!  Let me tell you how we got here.

From the beginning, Vale’s adolescent medicine specialist (AMS ~ I’m tired of typing all that out!) had desired that Vale enter a partial program, but there were no true programs in our area.  I know I wrote about that way back when (seems like forever ago, but in actuality it was only 5 months ago).  We hoped to help Vale by assembling our own little program with the art therapy, equine assisted therapy and Biblical counseling.  However due to his youth and his maleness (this is my opinion) nothing was working fast enough to suit him.  Young people believe they can grab the world by the tale and of course men are fixers.  So Vale wants to be fixed.  He has enough awareness to know he wasn’t always like this and he wants to return to how he used to be.  So Vale started to request to go into a partial program about 6 weeks ago.

I’ll be honest with you, it scared me to death.  I did NOT want to put him into a psychiatric institute, I wanted to be able to handle it on our own.  Pride and prejudice.  I was in an institute for 8 days, a lock down, it was the lowest point of my life.  But more than that, Vale’s father and I wanted Vale to be heard, and knew we were here for him, so we started to investigate the possibility of entering him into a partial program.  Vale was silent for so long and was forced to live in a world for over half his life that didn’t care for his needs and certainly didn’t listen to him about it.  We wanted to draw that line clearly for him, so he knew we were listening.  We talked with his AMS who was willing to help us get there, but the question we needed to consider was to put him in a straight up psychiatric institute or an eating disorder clinic, like the one the AMS ran.  We all talked about it and decided that a psychiatric institute was a better solution.  The ED is a big deal, but it’s not the only big deal, and since we feel that the ED stems from the trauma we were concerned an ED clinic would be treating the symptom and not the cause.  Plus, after he is finished in the psychiatric partial, if need be, he can enter the ED clinic.

The doctor made the referral and then we entered the waiting game.  We were told it would be about a month before Vale could enter the facility, so we were ready to wait, which turned out to be a lot shorter than expected.  In less than two weeks we were down visiting the facility, and I did NOT have a good feeling.  True to most psych institutes that I have seen, it was drab, run down looking and clinical.  It did not give me the warm and fuzzies.  I do know myself well enough that I don’t rely on my opinion in of itself, I look to my husband for guidance and he seemed satisfied.  More importantly, so did Vale.  They were willing to take him the very next day, but we had VBS coming up as well as camp so we asked for a delay so Vale could enjoy both of those weeks.  My secret hope was that Vale would turn to God and no longer want to go to the facility and would rather step up his counseling here at home.  That would be a whole lot easier and less worrisome for me.  I realize that was selfish, but that’s how I felt and I kept that information just between myself and my husband.

When Vale came home from camp he did tell us that he was questioning whether or not he wanted to go into partial.  Initially, I was internally cheering, feeling that my prayers were answered.  However, it turns out that the two people Vale really opened up to at camp… well because of their lack of experience with the things that Vale is struggling with, they misapplied the Bible and left him rather confused.  I do believe the Bible is a wonderful and most necessary tool for life and living, for me it is my guide and my plumb line for truth.  What these men told Vale was true, but misapplied, which is what we’re encountering time and again.  We told Vale we would continue to pray about it and speak with his Biblical counselor before we gave the facility a definite answer one way or the other.  Vale needed to be assured that it was not a sin for him to go into a psychiatric facility and that encouraged me so much, that he was so concerned about sinning against God that he would change his plans if he felt it was a sin.  When we talked with his counselor, he made it clear that Vale’s heart would determine whether it was sin or not.  Was he going to be defiant? to push out God? to strike out his own path? to be self-reliant? to ‘show’ up these two men from camp and do what he wanted to do?  No, his heart truly wanted to do what was right and he was willing to change his plans if it was shown that what he wanted wasn’t right.  When asked why he wanted to enter the facility he explained to his counselor that he wanted to be like he used to be; active, loving sports, eating well, not depressed and most of all he missed his relationship he had with God and wanted to quiet down all the anxiety so that he can focus on getting better and closer with God.  That was the first time that Vale articulated his desires without parroting me *at all*.

When he said that, I became at peace with the decision.  Other things came in to play as well.  Vale’s father had always been secure that this was the right decision, which is a big deal because my husband is a very careful man, and RARELY is secure in a decision.  We prayed muchly, sought Godly counsel and moreover God provided all the funds we could need for the trip.  Even the timing is ideal.  My two youngest are at camp this week, so they do not need my care while I’m away with Vale and the third week that Vale would be at the facility the children would be engaged at Camp at Marley’s Mission, keeping them occupied.

So here I sit, passing time by blogging, reading and studying the Word while my son is in treatment for depression and anxiety at a psychiatric treatment facility.

How we got here

I sit and type in a beautiful room of a Ronald McDonald House while Vale is at a psychiatric treatment facility in a partial program.  If you had asked me six months ago if I could ever imagine myself here, I would have laughed.  Of course I wouldn’t!  Let me tell you how we got here.

From the beginning, Vale’s adolescent medicine specialist (AMS ~ I’m tired of typing all that out!) had desired that Vale enter a partial program, but there were no true programs in our area.  I know I wrote about that way back when (seems like forever ago, but in actuality it was only 5 months ago).  We hoped to help Vale by assembling our own little program with the art therapy, equine assisted therapy and Biblical counseling.  However due to his youth and his maleness (this is my opinion) nothing was working fast enough to suit him.  Young people believe they can grab the world by the tale and of course men are fixers.  So Vale wants to be fixed.  He has enough awareness to know he wasn’t always like this and he wants to return to how he used to be.  So Vale started to request to go into a partial program about 6 weeks ago.

I’ll be honest with you, it scared me to death.  I did NOT want to put him into a psychiatric institute, I wanted to be able to handle it on our own.  Pride and prejudice.  I was in an institute for 8 days, a lock down, it was the lowest point of my life.  But more than that, Vale’s father and I wanted Vale to be heard, and knew we were here for him, so we started to investigate the possibility of entering him into a partial program.  Vale was silent for so long and was forced to live in a world for over half his life that didn’t care for his needs and certainly didn’t listen to him about it.  We wanted to draw that line clearly for him, so he knew we were listening.  We talked with his AMS who was willing to help us get there, but the question we needed to consider was to put him in a straight up psychiatric institute or an eating disorder clinic, like the one the AMS ran.  We all talked about it and decided that a psychiatric institute was a better solution.  The ED is a big deal, but it’s not the only big deal, and since we feel that the ED stems from the trauma we were concerned an ED clinic would be treating the symptom and not the cause.  Plus, after he is finished in the psychiatric partial, if need be, he can enter the ED clinic.

The doctor made the referral and then we entered the waiting game.  We were told it would be about a month before Vale could enter the facility, so we were ready to wait, which turned out to be a lot shorter than expected.  In less than two weeks we were down visiting the facility, and I did NOT have a good feeling.  True to most psych institutes that I have seen, it was drab, run down looking and clinical.  It did not give me the warm and fuzzies.  I do know myself well enough that I don’t rely on my opinion in of itself, I look to my husband for guidance and he seemed satisfied.  More importantly, so did Vale.  They were willing to take him the very next day, but we had VBS coming up as well as camp so we asked for a delay so Vale could enjoy both of those weeks.  My secret hope was that Vale would turn to God and no longer want to go to the facility and would rather step up his counseling here at home.  That would be a whole lot easier and less worrisome for me.  I realize that was selfish, but that’s how I felt and I kept that information just between myself and my husband.

When Vale came home from camp he did tell us that he was questioning whether or not he wanted to go into partial.  Initially, I was internally cheering, feeling that my prayers were answered.  However, it turns out that the two people Vale really opened up to at camp… well because of their lack of experience with the things that Vale is struggling with, they misapplied the Bible and left him rather confused.  I do believe the Bible is a wonderful and most necessary tool for life and living, for me it is my guide and my plumb line for truth.  What these men told Vale was true, but misapplied, which is what we’re encountering time and again.  We told Vale we would continue to pray about it and speak with his Biblical counselor before we gave the facility a definite answer one way or the other.  Vale needed to be assured that it was not a sin for him to go into a psychiatric facility and that encouraged me so much, that he was so concerned about sinning against God that he would change his plans if he felt it was a sin.  When we talked with his counselor, he made it clear that Vale’s heart would determine whether it was sin or not.  Was he going to be defiant? to push out God? to strike out his own path? to be self reliant? to ‘show’ up these two men from camp and do what he wanted to do?  No, his heart truly wanted to do what was right and he was willing to change his plans if it was shown that what he wanted wasn’t right.  When asked why he wanted to enter the facility he explained to his counselor that he wanted to be like he used to be; active, loving sports, eating well, not depressed and most of all he missed his relationship he had with God and wanted to quiet down all the anxiety so that he can focus on getting better and closer with God.  That was the first time that Vale articulated his desires without parroting me *at all*. 

When he said that, I became at peace with the decision.  Other things came in to play as well.  Vale’s father had always been secure that this was the right decision, which is a big deal because my husband is a very careful man, and RARELY is secure in a decision.  We prayed muchly, sought Godly counsel and moreover God provided all the funds we could need for the trip.  Even the timing is ideal.  My two youngest are at camp this week, so they do not need my care while I’m away with Vale and the third week that Vale would be at the facility the children would be engaged at Camp at Marley’s Mission, keeping them occupied.

So here I sit, passing time by blogging, reading and studying the Word while my son is in treatment for depression and anxiety at a psychiatric treatment facility.

Catching Up

Seems like it’s been forever since I just wrote about the goings on with Vale.  I’m going to use the next couple of posts for just that.  I guess the distraction from the ‘Vale Trail’ is largely due to the fact that sexual abuse never touches just one life, does it?

One of the larger developments around her is that Vale has asked to be placed in a hospital or day treatment program.  I share with you some of his own words when he advocated for himself:

Maybe this will clear away the fog hearing it from me. I have been thinking about going to some kind of hospital, day treatment, etc. for my eating disorder. Now, I have been pondering it for a while, (maybe about a couple of weeks to a month) but it’s been more in the back of my head. You might ask why, but this is the best I can give.

I still don’t eat as much as I use to, and I don’t expect to for a while yet. However, as my mom says my eating has “Come to a plateau” I only eat about a quarter to a third of what I use to eat. Now, I don’t say “I’m not going to eat that” (restrict), but I still have thought processes of eating food being gross.

My mom explained to me that I eat very little and don’t get nearly as many calories as I should. When she told me a boy my age should be eating around 2,800 calories I was thinking, and I believe I even said, that that was disgusting.

My parents and I also believe that my eating is affecting my body. I am very tired the majority of the day and want extra time to sleep. I have a hard time getting out of bed, also. I am frequently dizzy. I go to bed and fall asleep quite fast, but I believe that this is because of the melatonin. My mother also thinks that this is going to affect my growth patterns an my body physically.

Now, I know I’m not nearly as bad as some of your patients, but I want to get better completely. I believe that going to a hospital, day treatment, etc. would impact my thought and actions of eating. I want to get better as fast as possible so that I can help others.
I don’t know all that’s on Vale’s mind concerning this.  Maybe due to the fact that he’s only 14 yrs old he is under the mistaken belief that this, his recovery, is similarly handled to cancer, cut it out and watch?  I don’t think it’s easy to contemplate at 14 that recovery is going to take many years, and probably be part of his adulthood.  The effects will certainly be part of his everyday life for the rest of his life.  I’m sure at such a tender age, it’s nearly impossible to fully wrap your mind around it.

We have made inquires concerning it, but I don’t know at this point what will come of it.  There is more to this story than just what I wrote here.. but that’s another post for another day.  I don’t even have the heart to write it.

Feedback posted on one of our pages…

I don’t know how often the pages to the right on our blog are read, and since this is such a valuable resource for families, I didn’t want this to get lost in the shuffle.  Thank you so much for visiting our blog, we appreciate what you’re doing and hope we are helping in our own small way.

It is so hard to know what to say after reading something like this but I do understand how hard it must be for both you, your family and for Vale, I can believe how hard it was to find out that someone so close to you has been hurt in such an awful way and that they felt the only way to ease the pain is to continue to hurt themselves, I am a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse and during my teenage years I cut myself and harmed myself in many ways physically and mentally, I spent most of my teenage years in a dark depression where I felt so alone and like no one could ever understand me that self destruction felt like the only answer. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and it doesn’t have to hurt so much, with more and more sites on-line for survivors of abuse and resources available to them and their families the burden becomes so much lighter and easier to handle, Please tell your son he is not alone, and none of this was ever his fault. I admire you and your family for your strength and support for Vale and I know it is hard now but it will get better. I wish you all the very very best for your futures and if ever you need some advice, support or just to talk I invite you and your family to join our support group at www.betrayedboys.com we will do whatever we can to help you guys with anything you need.

Feedback posted on one of our pages…

I don’t know how often the pages to the right on our blog are read, and since this is such a valuable resource for families, I didn’t want this to get lost in the shuffle.  Thank you so much for visiting our blog, we appreciate what you’re doing and hope we are helping in our own small way.

It is so hard to know what to say after reading something like this but I do understand how hard it must be for both you, your family and for Vale, I can believe how hard it was to find out that someone so close to you has been hurt in such an awful way and that they felt the only way to ease the pain is to continue to hurt themselves, I am a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse and during my teenage years I cut myself and harmed myself in many ways physically and mentally, I spent most of my teenage years in a dark depression where I felt so alone and like no one could ever understand me that self destruction felt like the only answer. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and it doesn’t have to hurt so much, with more and more sites on-line for survivors of abuse and resources available to them and their families the burden becomes so much lighter and easier to handle, Please tell your son he is not alone, and none of this was ever his fault. I admire you and your family for your strength and support for Vale and I know it is hard now but it will get better. I wish you all the very very best for your futures and if ever you need some advice, support or just to talk I invite you and your family to join our support group at www.betrayedboys.com we will do whatever we can to help you guys with anything you need.

Source: betrayedboys.com

What about the fallout

I want to write a series of posts on fallout.  To my surprise, so few people understand what lies in the aftermath of sexual abuse.  I guess they see it as one and done or something.  ”Boo hoo, have a little cry then back to life has normal” and I can’t think of an idea that is further from the truth.  It still hits me for a loop when we encounter something that is seemingly so innocuous, but due to fall out it becomes a problem.  Going to a restaurant, simple phrases people toss out, being at Chuck E Cheese for crying out loud!  These have all become somewhat of a situation due to the consequences of a traumatic event.

As always, I have other survivors and especially parents of survivors out there in mind when I write my blog entries.  No two circumstances are exactly alike, I realize that.  So there will never be anyone else who visits this blog and experiences all the same things as we do.  But when they read a post about something that seems so random yet impacts so hard perhaps they will feel like, “yeah!  Something like that happened to us too!”  Because outside of trauma real uh… normal.. um, .. regular… *darn*…non traumatized people (?) couldn’t relate.  We have our own weird little sub culture, I guess.  But we aren’t alone, are we.

What about the fallout

I want to write a series of posts on fallout.  To my surprise, so few people understand what lies in the aftermath of sexual abuse.  I guess they see it as one and done or something.  ”Boo hoo, have a little cry then back to life has normal” and I can’t think of an idea that is further from the truth.  It still hits me for a loop when we encounter something that is seemingly so innocuous, but due to fall out it becomes a problem.  Going to a restaurant, simple phrases people toss out, being at Chuck E Cheese for crying out loud!  These have all become somewhat of a situation due to the consequences of a traumatic event.

As always, I have other survivors and especially parents of survivors out there in mind when I write my blog entries.  No two circumstances are exactly alike, I realize that.  So there will never be anyone else who visits this blog and experiences all the same things as we do.  But when they read a post about something that seems so random yet impacts so hard perhaps they will feel like, “yeah!  Something like that happened to us too!”  Because outside of trauma real uh… normal.. um, .. regular… *darn*…non traumatized people (?) couldn’t relate.  We have our own weird little sub culture, I guess.  But we aren’t alone, are we.

And then, something positive

After our ‘terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day’ (have you ever read that book?) we had an interesting night.  Vale came in to wake me, and I completely freaked (uh, not completely) remained completely calm (not that either) woke up.  Vale’s brother just threw up on his bedroom floor.  Because of all that disturbance, the brother ended up sleeping in my bed and Vale in the recliner in my room, needless to say we all woke for the day very tired.

But the day did end on a very positive note, and I want to post about that.  Vale sang in a concert that evening (oh, does he have a beautiful voice!) and came home rather hungry.  We had ordered a couple of pizzas and Vale ate generously.  He came to me later and asked if he could sleep in our room, because he ate so much he really wanted to purge and he didn’t want to give in to it.  So of course we told him NO WAY!… of course not, we set him up a bed in our room.

I am so proud of him asking for help.  I know that I can provide him with all the love, support, therapy etc as possible, but unless he wants to help himself we’ll go nowhere fast.  Definitely a step in the right direction.

Does Jesus Care?

Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows weary and long?

Oh yes, He cares! I know He cares!
His heart is touched with my grief.
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

*The last time I posted a verse of this song, people really seemed to like it.  So if it brought encouragement and peace I’m so glad.  I posted another verse.

The way you lie..

On the first page of our story (placement)
The future seemed so bright  (adoption)
Then this thing turned out so evil  (disclosure)
I don’t know why i’m still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
(And things have gone) to new extremes
Vale, you’ll always be my hero
Even though you’ve lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that’s alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

A Hard Line

Had to draw one tonight with Vale.  Supper came and, god forbid, we actually put some food on his plate.  He had made a deal with this psychiatrist that he would eat 3 meals and a snack.  This was his third meal, and I reminded him of that fact.  Couple this with the fact that he wanted to continue building his Lego city and I told him he needed to clean up and we started to get build up of anger in him.

After supper and with more insisting that he put his Lego pieces away, Vale started to become increasingly agitated with me.  He stopped speaking to me politely or respectfully.  He started shutting down.  I could see in his face that he wanted to cut and/or throw up so badly.  He would show me, he would cut and then I’d feel bad.  Well that was not going to happen.

I threw down the gauntlet.  He was throwing a temper tantrum, I told him under with no uncertain terms that if he made the choice to cut or vomit because he was angry with me that I would not comfort him.  I would not cry with him.  I would not deal with his cuts, or if they were bad enough I would take him to the hospital and leave him there.  I understand the release he receives from cutting.  I understand the urge.. the addiction.  However, it can not become a power play to ensure he gets what he wants in the home.  The fear of it exacerbating him and making his issues the absolutely center of the home mandates our firm stand.

Before he went to bed, I reassured him of how much we loved him, how I wanted him to sleep well, how I wanted to hug and kiss him good night.  But he was in control of what happened in the next few moments and we gave him some time to figure out how he wanted to play it out.  He decided to hug and kiss his father goodnight and ignore me and go to bed.

Okay, between all of you and me.  I am scared of what he’s going to do.  How much will he damage himself to assert himself.  I can’t even begin to guess.  It was be so incredibly easy to cave in and cater to him in order for him to not self harm.  But as his mother, I know that this would be a slippery slope, and the end of it would be grave.  I pray that we only have this ‘fight’ once, I prove my point, and he will know where we all stand.

We’ll see… we’ll see.

For our sons…

I have a son.  I have 4 actually, but this blog centers around just one.  He is beautiful.  He is 14.  He’s artistic and funny.  He’s athletic and intelligent.  He’s an overcomer and strong.  He was formerly in foster care.  He is adopted.  He is also a cutter.  He is trying to starve himself.  He is depressed and suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.  He is a victim of sexual abuse.  He is in crisis.

About 4 weeks ago, much of this broke.  I didn’t know about the cutting.  I saw him being less hungry, but I thought it was just a natural ebb and flow of eating that children had.  I had no idea he had lost so much weight.  The realization hits like sucker punch to the solar plexus.  Don’t think I still have my air back.  I dealt with it initially by breaking some plates, however over time, another way of coping had to come because we can’t afford new plates every week.

So I did some web searches for blogs of moms of sons in this dilemma, and I found nothing.  What I did find is some outdated statistics and erroneous information such as the notion that these issues are only girl issues.  I found that boys are notoriously underreported when it comes to eating disorders or self harming.  I learned that boys who are sexually brutalized are actually shamed into silence. Well we just can’t have this now can we.  Hence this blog.



No, I won’t share my son’s name, or his image.  There is still far too much stigma in the world for that much honesty.  I’m not going to have him thrown on a proverbial sword in order to break out of some of these taboos.  Maybe one day, when he’s older and has gone from victim to survivor he’ll write a blog of his own.  But until then, we’ll call him Vale.