I just found this post among my drafts written on May 29. The irony is I find myself in the same position, thinking the same thoughts… just a different girl. We had the art therapist over yesterday and she asked us to draw our favorite part of the summer. Vale wanted to draw being down at the RMH with his Skinny Harem. I couldn’t believe it. I will write more on that later… but when will this cycle stop?Having found out that he was back about this girl again, how adamantly he insisted that this girl, whom he’s never met and never WILL meet is his girlfriend has thrown me, emotionally, for a loop. Why? Simply put, if he is not invested in his recovery than all I’m doing is spinning my wheels and flailing my arms about. That is incredibly frightening.
I never have the expectation that Vale won’t screw up or slide back into old habits, but yes, I am a little shell-shocked by his abandonment of the track he was formally on. Lying about this girl, trying to manipulate me into taking him someplace where she may be, putting so much energy into sneaking around to go online to meet with her cannot coincide with true effort into recovery. If he were to come clean and say, “I was wrong, I shouldn’t have done that. I realize why you have these rules set up, why this particular girl wasn’t good for me…” etc I could let it go, but his continued silence about it, his hostility towards me when I bring it up, his refusal to let it go…
How can I assess anything now? How can I interpret all the little signals that he puts off? Has all the data that I have been getting off him and working with over this last month in error? How far off the mark am I? Where do I go from here?