In a dark place today…
So. My mind is in a dark and agitated place today. True, I’m really tired. I haven’t been home all week and I haven’t gotten my daily doses of kisses and hugs and I’m in withdraw. Because of all of that, I’m a little beside myself about Jason. His family has decided to have Jason plead not guilty and push the court case. Thinking of the ramifications of them loosing has me so scared and tearing up at the drop of a hat. So you have this whole kettle of fish cooking and that does not lend itself well to good responses.
Today I went for our first ‘family’ session while Vale is in treatment. It went well, nothing seemed a miss and Vale is coming a long nicely. Something was brought to light today that has taken all the emotionally instability outlined in the first paragraph and turned it on its head. The therapist mentioned that Vale was expressing struggles with fitting in; he doesn’t fit in the artsy types, the athletic or sports types etc. I told the therapist that not even a year ago Vale actually was very much into sports and athletics. But since ED came into the picture, he’s lost a lot of muscle tone, energy, stamina and feels dizzy or tired a lot of the time. I told him the interest in clothes and whatnot is a relatively new thing. When Vale joined our session the therapist asked him about it. He asked whether it was true that the loss of strength and stamina had caused him to shun sports or if he simply grew out of it. Vale seemed to be unclear (because he didn’t truly know or didn’t want to admit it, I don’t know). The therapist drew out his pen and suggested that we all pretend that the pen was a magic wand. If he could wave it and give Vale all his strength and stamina back, if Vale could run like he used too, be fast like he used too, would he want it? Vale nearly jumped out of his seat with his hand outstretched and said, “YES! Give it to me!” Oh that answered so many questions. Then I started to think, and in my present emotional state, that’s never a good thing.
I started to think about how many things Vale’s perps took away from him, and his love of and ability to perform sports is just another thing. The more I thought of it, the angrier I became. The following lyrics came to mind:
And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive
And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
You know what, even if these creeps (and honestly I wish I could find a stronger word to use here) had been arrested and went to prison for the rest of their lives, they could never repay all that they’ve done to my son. And the only thing that keeps me from hating them is God. I know that ‘there but for the grace of God, go I’. They will face their Maker one day, although I would like to arrange the meeting, personally. I would rather rest in that truth than be swallowed by the anger, that helps no one. But in my flesh, it would give me so great a pleasure to flay them alive, to hear them scream for mercy and believe me you, they would find none with me. Told you my mood was dark.
But I guess I’m recovering too. In the past I would have cranked up Eminem, Pink or Green Day in the headphones and let the anger burn, feeling so righteous in the anger. I do believe there is a way to be righteous in my anger, but that wasn’t it. So today, I made different choices. I worked. Tried to keep my thoughts right, leaning on God more. Doesn’t mean I am not less dark feeling, it’s right there, beneath the surface. I am just not tearing it wide open. So I’m trading out the Goo Goo Dolls’ lyrics for the following:
Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ: Philippians 1: 6
To me belongeth vengeance, and recompence; their foot shall slide in due time: for the day of their calamity is at hand, and the things that shall come upon them make haste. Deut. 32:35
Healthier for me and it allows me to pour righteous anger into profitable things, like caring for Vale. Still… Lord, how about castration via a spoon? Just that? Please?