Sunday Salutations

We sang this in church this morning and it really spoke to my heart.  I hope it speaks to yours as well.

“Be Still, My Soul”by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;Leave to thy God to order and provide;In every change He faithful will remain.Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, FriendThrough thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertakeTo guide the future as He has the past.Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;All now mysterious shall be bright at last.Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still knowHis voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends departAnd all is darkened in the vale of tears;Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repayFrom His own fulness all He takes away.

4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening onWhen we shall be forever with the Lord,When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

 

Guest Blogger: Charles R. Highham

I have been ‘friends’ with this gentleman for a bit now and he posted a link to his blog on twitter.  I loved the post so much that I begged (quite pathetically I may add) that he would allow me to post it for you all to read.  He so graciously did.  My I present Huge God Ministries:

Saturday, June 18, 2011

God Meant It For Good: Celebrating My Spiritual Birthday

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. (Genesis 50:20)
Today, June 18, I turn 15 years old in Christ. And looking back over my life, though it hasn’t all been pleasant, God has been in it, working for my good and his glory. So I thought it would be fitting today to share some of God’s working in my life. I pray that you would be encouraged by my story and that you would celebrate God’s gift of salvation with me on this important day.

Genesis 50:20 is a verse that has taken me years to understand. In fact, I still don’t grasp it in all of its fullness. But God has graciously shown me that I am where I am today in spite of the evil done to me because of his good intentions amidst the evil.

You Meant Evil Against MeThis is probably one of the hardest blog posts to write. In fact, I have been struggling with writing it for months. But I feel my story needs to be told for two reasons. First, so that others who may be in the same place may be able to see God’s grace in the midst of it. And second, because it’s a reminder to me how God has been faithful despite everything that has happened. What I’m writing here is something that few who know me actually know. I will not recount my whole life story, but rather focus on one thing: a great evil done to me.

From the ages of 11-16, I was sexually abused. I will not name my perpetrator here, nor will I give much detail. It took me years to understand that what was happening was indeed abuse. And I didn’t tell anyone until several years later.

The time of being abused was very difficult for me. I felt ashamed. Guilty. Like I had done something wrong. I was confused. Devastated. It left me without a sense of who I was, and I came to doubt that God cared for me or could even love me. I became bitter and depressed, lashing out in anger often. When I was 13, I was near suicidal, contemplating whether or not I should continue to try in life. I hated everything. I had reached the end of myself, but had nowhere to turn.

But God Meant It For GoodGod had great mercy on me during this time. He set it up so that I would go to church camp the week of June 17-21, 1996. That Tuesday night, June 18, I realized that I needed God’s forgiveness and that Christ died so that I could be saved. I also realized that my life was a mess and that Jesus looked better to me than the ways I had been managing. I asked Jesus into my life, and for the first time I realized that God did in fact love me.

There was a dramatic change in my life. I was lashing out less and less in anger. I started doing well in school. While depression remained, I didn’t see suicide as an option. Instead, I saw more and more that God was walking with me through the pain and confusion I was dealing with. He was leading me to where he wanted me to be.

The abuse still continued for a few more years, as did the guilt, the shame, and the silence. I am having to learn what forgiveness is and how to go about it. I still struggle with identity and my sense of self. Some of the painful effects remain to this day. But I no longer face it alone. I may not know who I am, but I know whose I am, and that makes all the difference. I am a child of God. And the truth that he speaks over me is more important than the lies of a thousand evils done against me. I am learning to trust my heavenly Father as he leads me into all the good that he planned from the start.

I may be 28 years old, but today, I am 15 in Christ. He saved me, gave me new life, and made me his own child by the blood of his Son Jesus, who loved me and gave himself for me. Praise God for his good work in me!
Posted by Charles R. Higham at 9:02 AM
 

A Plea for Understanding

One of the struggles our family has been facing is from the leaders in our church.  Don’t get me wrong, they love our family and they love Vale but they don’t necessarily approve of our methods in treating him.  From our Senior Pastor we have been told that Vale needs to understand that **what happened to him was not his sin, he was completely blameless, but his responses (the self-harm and eating disorder) are and he just needs to stop the behavior.  Vale’s Youth Pastor is very concerned that we are looking for traditional psychotherapy because it is his belief that all Vale needs is counseling from the Word of God and a better understanding of who God is.  Now I believe that counseling from the Word and a better understanding of who God is essential, but I do NOT believe it is the only thing necessary.  I also do not believe that God faults Vale’s method of communicating his pain (cutting/self-harm) initially because it was the only skill or outlet that he had.  With increased understanding and efforts being made to teach him better ways, Vale will indeed become more accountable.  Their responses to us have produced frustration and a lot of sadness in us.  It creates a disconnect in our fellowship and removes them from our support system, because we don’t feel that they believe in us.  The following is a letter that I wrote to try to express ourselves and to support our decision Biblically.  I hope that this perhaps will provide our readers some comfort and support.  If I receive a response, I’ll let you know. =)

As human beings we are comprised of three distinct parts that work in unison and make up the individuals that we are: soul (or spirit), mind and body.  Each part is very important and it’s unwise to value one above the other, and I think so far we would agree.  So working with the thesis that the Bible is sufficient for all things I would like to take each of features apart and then put them back together.

The spirit is the part of us that commune with God; it’s what makes us immortal and different from all created beings.  Each person is born with a ‘sick’ soul and must have the Great Physician heal it by applying the balm of Gilead through salvation through Jesus Christ.  We know that the way a person receives that balm, that Salvation is only through the Word (Faith cometh…by the Word of God).  But even the soul needs more than just the Word.  The soul needs nourishment of fellow believers.  True, the soul could exist through life without being with another believer, but I think you would agree that it probably would not mature completely nor be as complete.  We could also argue that a soul also needs the unsaved.  All of us have been commissioned to spread the gospel, so without the unsaved to share with, we have a great lack.  This is evidenced in Christians who don’t share the Gospel; their faith is far from perfected.  And while it’s true that the receiving of healing from the Great Physician, the fellowship of believers and the sharing of the gospel all pertain to the Word of God, it’s not simply the Word itself that is sufficient.  The soul, which is created for the communion with God, needs a little more than His Word to be perfected.

When it comes to the body, one could argue that the Word isn’t needed at all.   But of course this would be ridiculous because you can’t have a living body without soul or the mind.  One doesn’t eat the Word, use the Word for shelter or clothe oneself with the Word, so the Word isn’t all-sufficient for the body.  And due to the sin nature the body is corrupt (because it is temporal) and so it becomes sick or broke down.  When this occurs we utilize medication and doctors for its healing.  We certainly don’t expect the patient to simply trust in the sufficiency of the Word to heal them.  We wouldn’t tell a diabetic to stop leaning on the crutch of diet and insulin and just trust through prayer and Bible reading, you wouldn’t tell a cancer patient to forgo chemotherapy because people are praying for them and all they need to do is just trust in the Word.  In fact, we would go so far as to call people like that foolish and accuse them of mishandling the Word.  However, in a very true sense prayer and Bible reading aids in healing, if it be God’s will, because it keeps the patient’s focus positive and upon eternal things.  In fact, scientific research as proven these things (faith and a positive outlook) to be factual, although they wouldn’t credit an all-powerful God.  Remaining in prayer and staying the Word, in a very simplistic sense, keeps the autonomic nervous system from working in overdrive which promotes healing and well-being.  So although the Word promotes better health, it’s not the only thing that is necessary for the body.

Lastly, we consider the mind, and this is where I find the disconnect.  I think the mind is a go between for the soul and the body, a portal if you will.  Without the mind being receptive to the teachings of the Word the soul will never receive it.  But the mind too can become ill, or corrupt through no fault of the patient.  And I think here is where you and I differ in opinion.  For some reason, in Christianity, it’s completely okay for a person to need medical help for their body and no one questions treatment, rehabilitation, therapies or medication.  However, when it comes to the mind becoming ill it’s perceived as a spiritual weakness and that idea demonstrates a lack of compassion and understanding.  True, modern science has thrown the baby out with the bath water in the name of mental illness, but then do we reject all mental illness?  Is schizophrenia a sin or simply lacking in trust in the Word?  How about autism?  Would you tell a mother of a child who has *Asperger’s to ‘just use the Word’ and tell the child to stop its odd behavior?  No, of course not, that would be cruel wouldn’t it?  Then why do we want to tell Vale to just stop cutting and to just eat more?  Why can it not be recognized that he has an illness in his mind that keeps him from thinking and responding clearly?  True, unlike Asperger’s, a difference someone is born with, Eating Disorders and Self Injury behaviors can be healed, but not through only the sufficiency of the Word.  I find it frustrating to consider that, if the boys who raped Vale had shot him instead, no one would question the method of his healing and rehabilitation.  No one would tell him to “just trust the Word”.  Why is it occurring in this situation?  I think it needs more depth of thought, and allow me to explain.

Consider the factors that lead to his mental instability; the very real break down and dissolving of his family and sexual assault.  Consider both in the light of God’s Word: what is the first and most fundamental institution that God created?  The family.  The more I learn about attachment theories the more Biblical sense they make.  Children are born expecting to trust the adults that care for them, that they are part of a family unit, and that they will be loved.  God created them that way.  So when this attachment is disrupted by brutality, neglect, placement elsewhere etc. there is some considerable damage to the child’s mind.  Each child is different so the effect is different, but to say that there isn’t any would be ridiculous.  The disruption of family goes against everything God created the family to be, it’s a complete perversion.  And sex was created to not only populate the earth but the join together a man and wife, it is meant to be a reaffirming of a very special bond.  Again this has been completely corrupted in Vale’s case and thus has created the opposite effect, it created a tearing apart.  Vale’s childhood was riddled with adults who did not care for his needs, proved themselves untrustworthy and provided no safety.  That alone is enough to disrupt a mind.  Add to this repeated rape and no outlet to find safety or escape (a basic human need), coupled with the fact that he buried this for 6 years and there is little wonder at his current broken down state.

I concede and vigorously agree with the statement that full mental healing will only come with the balm of the Word of God.  But to imply that all Vale needs at this point is the Word of God is wrong and it’s frustrating.  Again, using the example of Elijah, if all Elijah needed was the Word of God, if that was all-sufficient, then why did God send the ravens or provide the brook? (1 Kings 19)

Right now, in Vale’s case, we will continue to provide the Word through opening it at home, exposure to it at church and Godly Biblical counseling.  However, we also concede that Vale also needs more; medication and therapies to teach coping skills that keep his anxiety low enough that he can hear the Word.  Nothing in this life can ever undo what happened in Vale’s early childhood, and so nothing will completely erase the pain and the pull to cut or leave off eating.  But the Word will help him stand firmly above his early childhood and keep those self-destructive impulses at bay.  In fact I believe God will use all these experiences to increase Vale’s ability to minister in this ever increasingly corrupted world.  He will reach souls and minds that you never could.  But we have to give him the space and the devotion to heal and be fed by God.
*Just a note: Asperger’s is not a mental illness but a neurological disorder.  I was just trying to make a point.

** Upon rereading this post this sentence seemed to sound like my Pastor was saying that pedophilia was not a sin.  That is not the case whatsoever.  The raping of my son is a heinous and grievous sin before God.  My pastor’s point was that it wasn’t Vale’s sin.  I didn’t want to give a faulty representation.

 

Examples

There are so many things I want to blog about that all the noise from them dancing around in my head is making it difficult to actually post something.  Ridiculous right?

Something that’s been troubling me for a while is inviting those younger members from my church to read this blog.  I did it for Vale’s sake because if they have greater understanding they would have a greater ability to help him out.  But the idea of them reading the contents of my heart and mind are very disturbing for me for two reasons …1) am I setting the right examples for them, which I fear the answer is no and 2) is the entirety of my blog appropriate for them, what would their parents think.

This blog is the place where I hold nothing back, the entirety of my mind is spilled here and I do so for good reason.  I don’t want to do so in front of my children because they can’t and shouldn’t have to handle all of that.  Blogging it gives me a good, healthy and appropriate outlet.  Also I want to help other families.  If I can’t be honest about what’s going on, if I truncate the pain or the reactions to our situation it may tell other families that what they are experiencing is wrong or inappropriate.  I want other families to feel like they are not alone, so I can’t accomplish that if I’m being too careful with what I post.  Everything I write is completely real and sometimes brutally honest.  I struggle.  Sometimes I fail, or flail around trying to do right.  I do end up on my knees despairing, I also have my arms raised with triumph.

Where my conflict is how I move through some of the more difficult times or moments.  I wish I was able to be more victorious.  I wish my spiritual condition was more solid.  I don’t want to be a bad example to these young men or others who are reading my blog who are followers of Christ.  The other day when Vale and I were down at the basketball court, and Vale was struggling with playing ball that day, the Doctor came over and I explained to him why Vale was so anxious, he was wearing a tshirt for the first time in front of his peers.  The Doctor reminded me of the scripture, “Casting all your cares upon him, for he careth for you” (1 Peter 5:7).  I looked at him and felt rather blank, wondering how this verse pertained to me, I thought how naive he was for thinking that Vale’s ears could hear that now.  What my response should have been was to live like this truth indicates, but I’m not.  I worry, a lot.  I’m so scared, a lot.  I’ve developed panic attacks because of my response to this situation.  Does my example teach these young men that these verses are great while you’re young and in youth group, but when you become adults, you find out they don’t really ‘work’?  Is that what I’m doing?  I would hate to think that that is what they find when they read this blog.  I believe that verse!  I know He cares for me, so that I don’t have to be afraid, but I still am.  And I really don’t know how to stop being afraid.  But this I do know, I know that God loves me enough to want to teach me how to accomplish it.  If Christianity is a walk, I haven’t abandoned the path, I’ve just sat down for a while.  Can they see that?  It would kill me to think that I’ve impacted their walk with Christ negatively.

So is the answer to that that I need to start editing myself in this blog?  I can’t do that either!  I can’t pretend that I’m this WonderMom who has everything under control and even when she’s cleaning up her son’s bloody arm that she does it with a smile and complete assurance that everything’s okay.  Even as I type those very words my stomach is turning and I have the stench of cooper in my nose.  When you run a bloody wash clothe under hot water the room is rank with that odor.  My thoughts turn to the other families who read this and say, “OMW, that happens to me too!” because knowing someone else is experiencing the same trauma is so comforting.  How can I sell them out?  How can I sell myself out?  I want to look back at these early days of our blog and say, ‘Wow, we’ve come a long way!”  I still go to church quite regularly.  It is still a priority in my life, albeit it is more of filling an obligation or performing a duty than a real deep desire.  I’m still involved in church, teaching, ministering.  I still think about the things of God and what He would have me do.  I’m still fighting and trying to work things out.

No, I won’t invite my church at large to read this blog.  There are too many people who are narrow and legalistic, who would judge the reaction instead of the intent.  I’m thankful God isn’t like that.  I think about Elijah a lot.  He had this huge spiritual victory and then became so lonely and discouraged he actually asked God to let him die.  God didn’t give up on him, in face God allowed Elijah to have this time in the wilderness and He tenderly fed Elijah by His own hand.  I think God is doing this now, for me.  He isn’t riding me or condemning me for every fear, racing heartbeat or panic attack.  I will be strengthed by God and restored to full fellowship with him, just like Elijah did.  And I don’t expect to go on to do the great wonders and ministry that Elijah realized, and I certainly don’t anticipate being assumed into Heaven by a chariot of fire, I believe that there is a full life and ministry waiting for me on the other side.

Doctor.  Captain.  Could you learn that from my life example instead?

Is it just depression?

I don’t wanna do *anything*.  I just want to sleep.  I want to go lie down with Vale curled up next to me under weighty comforters creating seclusion, where I know he’s safe, I can feel the warmth of is living body, breathe in that spicy smell that means him and just sleep… and sleep… and sleep.

I’m the mom, trying to keep 6 children motivated and on track and I don’t want to do anything myself.  Holy crap how am I going to keep this up.  I have to find some way to break through this gelatinous mass of inertness and reach motivation.

I’m a spiritual anorexic and my joy is gone.

Finding Faith

I mention a couple of weeks ago about wanting to start a Sunday series about how our faith is sustaining us through this difficulty with Vale. I wanted to focus mainly on the goodness of God and how even though things don’t seem very good, that doesn’t change the truth of God’s goodness.



Admittedly, I’ve been struggling with it, seeing God…seeing good. These monsters; sexual abuse, eating disorders and self mutilation, can keep you so weighed down that you can’t see anything but asphalt. It’s very rare that I don’t have a day where something new crop up and I want to lift my eyes heavenward and say, “what now, Lord?” Praying has been reduced to flares; short ‘Lord help…’ or a quick ‘Thank you Lord’ when I realize we made it through something. Actually sitting down and spending time in prayer is almost a ridiculous notion. If I sit still for any length of time, I’m out like a light and that makes me feel guilty. Falling asleep in the throne room of Heaven. Not that God thinks like that. And between needing to keep an eye on Vale lest he grab another knife and his overall uncomfortableness, going to church is more of a chore than a blessing. Sundays become something to get through. And getting in the Word; well all I find are rebukes and accusations there. Well that’s not true, I often find that. There are times when I find more. I find comfort.



But in the end I guess this all about what faith is, isn’t it? There are going to be moments and times in our lives when we don’t feel God or struggle to find his presence. These are the valley times. And during these valley times we need to remember the truths of what we learned and experienced and felt during our more mountain top times in our lives. Truth isn’t truth just when it ‘feels’ like truth. ‘Lo, I am with you always… ‘is that truth or isn’t it? Well if it’s truth, than He’s here, even if I can’t feel Him. ‘All things work together for good for them who love God…’ is all all or just some, the some we like? Is all the bad things too? Well the Bible says all, so that has to mean even all of this God will work out for good, even if I can’t see that. ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you…’ does that never mean even when I’m too tired to pray? Too anxious to worship in church? Yeah, I guess it does. ‘It is good for me to have been afflicted, that I may learn thy statutes….’ so in those times when I hear nothing but rebuke from the Word, it is good for me to continue digging?



The truth of God’s law isn’t just there when it’s convenient for me to receive it. It’s not just something fancy to celebrate at Christmas or Easter. It’s continual. It’s foundational. It’s stable. It’s unchanging, unwavering. And my faith comes in when I choose to remember and act on it even though I may not feel it. He loves me, and Vale, with an everlasting Love and it doesn’t matter that I’m feeling so low that I’m doing nothing but sucking mud. He, Jesus, is still the breathe of life.



Just one last thought. These valley times are hard. They hurt so much and are so wearying. But you know, that’s where the most growth happens, in the valley. So even thought those mountain top experiences may be wonderful and feel great, not a lot of growth is occurring. I guess we need both to have a full and rich life. We don’t value the one without a little of the other.

Showdown with Shed

Well yeah, this is part two.  We did have a talk with Shed this past Sunday evening.  It took me a good three days to get it together enough to be able to speak with out venom and even then I’m not sure I fully succeeded.  Not going to bore you with a blow by blow, the results of the conversation weren’t altogether satisfactory.  Shed was rather defensive and quantified a lot of his apology.  But then again, he was facing two angry parents, and who wouldn’t get defensive in that situation.

What troubles me the most is that he feels his behavior was okay, just the fact that it was directed to a fragile Vale was the element that was wrong, and I couldn’t disagree more.  We never know everything that’s going on inside someone so we should always make an effort to be amiable, no matter if you’re playing sports or not.  Now I guess in a football game, a structured, official game, smack talk gets pretty ugly.  It’s not personal, it’s part of the game and I guess it’s to be expected.  But a pick up game amongst friends/members of the youth group… where does ugliness come in to play?  Be competitive, try your best, play darn hard but denigrate other people while you’re doing it?  I’m not trying to raise pansies but uh, I can’t see how that fits into a Christian’s life.  Shed said he calls his friends ‘loser’ and whatnot and I guess little jabs like that between friends is between them.  But Vale isn’t his friend.  Vale is 14 and Shed is 18 or 19.  Since Shed’s apology was so measured, I’m concerned that in another instance this behavior will return. 

Shed’s mother came into the conversation and that was hard because I love his mother so much and have so much respect for her that I was concerned that she would be hurt hearing what we had to say.  I would be appalled if I knew my sons acted like that, especially to younger children!  She did tear up but I pray we made it known to her that we would give her son room to grow, and we will.  I hope it didn’t damage our friendship.

I plan on writing a brief thank you note to Shed thanking him for listening to our concerns and giving us his time.  I know that this may seem very generous, but really we do desire this young man to grow in Christlikeness and to have learned from this incident, not only for Vale’s sake but for his.  But between you and me, I don’t trust him as far as I could throw him.  I forgive him, but I am not forgetting.  I’ll be watching him like a hawk.

Correcting a disservice

I was convicted about a disservice I had done to all our readers.  I talk so much about the anxiety and the strain but so little about the sustaining faith that gets us through it.  That just can’t be.  So over the next few Sundays I’m going to post something about what God is doing in us and through us, even in the midst of all this heart ache.

Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior.  He reminds me of the absolute truths of His Word.  These truths are something I cling to like a shipwrecked man hangs onto a rock in the deep.  And honestly, even in the times when my faith is rattled, I know that I can go back to Him, and He’ll grasp my hand and hold it firm.

So many young people read and follow this blog.  Their stories are so difficult, so full of pain and affliction.  I have nothing to offer really, besides the fact that they know that there are others on a similar path, but I wonder in the long run what benefit does that give?  I see in their blogs the number one commonality is loneliness.  Well I want to tell you that there is a God who doesn’t want you to be lonely.  He is a Savior who said, I will never leave you alone, or forget about you.  He says he never slumbers nor sleeps.  He tells us that His arm isn’t so short that He can not reach you, wherever you are.  And most of all, He longs to reason with you.. so that you can be as pure as clean, fallen snow.  Could I take you to Him?  Would you allow me to introduce you?  May I join your weary and heavily burdened hand to His?  It’s a choice you’ll never regret.

Therapy is wonderful.  Medication definitely has it’s place.  But these are all temporal, the only reach so far.  All the therapists and psychologists and therapies and pyschopharmacuticals and alcohol and drugs and sex and cutting and starving and binging and whatever else you do to help with your pain will only reach you on a certain level; whether for good or for not so good.  There is only once source of true help… of true relief.  That’s why we say our God is a very present help in a time of trouble.

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.”  

~Jesus Christ, found in Matthew 18:28-29

David… how did you know?

I came across this Psalm today, and the Psalmist, David the King, knew trouble and heartache.  Reading over it, I could swear he’s spent the last week in our house understood our plight:

Psa 40:1-17(1)  To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David. I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.(2)  He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.(3)  And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD.(4)  Blessed is that man that maketh the LORD his trust, and respecteth not the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.(5)  Many, O LORD my God, are thy wonderful works which thou hast done, and thy thoughts which are to us-ward: they cannot be reckoned up in order unto thee: if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.(6)  Sacrifice and offering thou didst not desire; mine ears hast thou opened: burnt offering and sin offering hast thou not required.(7)  Then said I, Lo, I come: in the volume of the book it is written of me,(8)  I delight to do thy will, O my God: yea, thy law is within my heart.(9)  I have preached righteousness in the great congregation: lo, I have not refrained my lips, O LORD, thou knowest.(10)  I have not hid thy righteousness within my heart; I have declared thy faithfulness and thy salvation: I have not concealed thy lovingkindness and thy truth from the great congregation.(11)  Withhold not thou thy tender mercies from me, O LORD: let thy lovingkindness and thy truth continually preserve me.(12)  For innumerable evils have compassed me about: mine iniquities have taken hold upon me, so that I am not able to look up; they are more than the hairs of mine head: therefore my heart faileth me.(13)  Be pleased, O LORD, to deliver me: O LORD, make haste to help me.(14)  Let them be ashamed and confounded together that seek after my soul to destroy it; let them be driven backward and put to shame that wish me evil.(15)  Let them be desolate for a reward of their shame that say unto me, Aha, aha.(16)  Let all those that seek thee rejoice and be glad in thee: let such as love thy salvation say continually, The LORD be magnified.(17)  But I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinketh upon me: thou art my help and my deliverer; make no tarrying, O my God.

Astounded

I was checking my tumblr today and saw that my blog has had over 406,000 hits!!  That, to me, is incredible, and has left a large smile on Vale’s face.  I think it aids in his healing to know so many people want to hear his story.  So if you’ve visited my page, if you’ve posted a note, if you’ve followed, reblogged (and yes, even you who made fun of my posts) or liked my posts, I thank you.  You’re helping my son get better.  My heart can not express the words of gratefulness for that.

Unhelpful friends

If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?  James 2:15-16

I’ve been thinking a lot about this principle lately.  We’re having revival meetings.  I realize there isn’t going to be much revival in me, especially since I go to church ‘propped up’.  I ask for it anyway.  I ask for ears to hear.  I ask that God would bring someone along side me to strengthen my hand and help me not feel so alone.  He hasn’t provided that yet.  But I have received, and not at the Hand of God, well meaning yet hurtful friends.  

These are the people who say, “why don’t you just give it to God”, or (and this is just sweet) if Vale committed suicide it’s “not your fault”.  They admonish me to get some rest.  They just. don’t. get. it.  Now they claim they do, because after all they’ve gone through heartache themselves.  One friend tells me they understand a loosing a child to suicide because they’ve lost two pregnancies.  Ummm, loosing a pregnancy is difficult, I know, I lost one.  Lemme tell you it, it’s not close to equitable to nursing a damaged child recovering from rape.  These friends wrote to me the following

As our children became young adults, they desired to stretch their wings and adventure past the four walls of our house, and this corner of the world. The Lord gave them many opportunities to do so, and it was with great fear in my own heart that I put them into cars and planes to travel across this country and across the world. Lying awake at night and worrying did nothing to keep them safe as they ventured out on their own. I was forced to trust them to the Lord. At any time He can choose to take them to Him.



…. and that’s supposed to equate to my son taking his own life, which has nothing to do with God?  Does it come close to the panic I feel every morning when he takes a medication that might actually exacerbate his suicidal ideologies?  Are you kidding me?  I have a child who drives.  Oh my word, my child could choke on a cookie and go home to the Lord!  I sometimes wonder if God gives me so many hard things to carry because there are so many weak folk like the writer above, who can’t handle anything outside the ordinary.

We went through this quite a bit when Vale’s twin was having a lot of health issues.  People went as far as to state things like, “oh I know what you’re going through.. why just last week my dog got so sick..”  WHAT!?!?  How is that even similar?

But back to that verse on the top.  Another quote from the letter from my ‘friend’:

You are struggling mentally, physically and emotionally through this trial. Let me encourage you to step back for a moment and consider what is happening. What good will you be to any of your children if you can not think clearly to guide them to all Truth? How can you minister to them if you are exhausted and unwell, physically? How can you guide them into all truth if you are not drinking from the well yourself?

You know, they’re absolutely right.  But what they’re missing is that the level of vigilance and work that must be done 24 hours a day leaves no room for refreshment.  My children are so on edge that they’ve taken to finding me and reassuring themselves of my presence when I’m even in the bathroom!  So you’re telling me to find rest… when should that be?  hmmm?  How do I obtain that?  Where do I find that?  Or better yet, why not help provide that?  

Why do you think folks don’t actually help?  Do you think the situation is so messy they don’t want to get their hands dirty?  Do you think it’s because they don’t know how to help?  Admittedly I don’t know how to ask.  Is it because they’re so wrapped up in their lives that they can’t see past their own front door?  Then of course I have to end this posting by asking, how often do I do the same lazy, ignorant, selfish things myself?

Does Jesus Care?

Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows weary and long?

Oh yes, He cares! I know He cares!
His heart is touched with my grief.
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

*The last time I posted a verse of this song, people really seemed to like it.  So if it brought encouragement and peace I’m so glad.  I posted another verse.