Being fed

This morning I decided I was weary with the House’s left over stale bagels and ventured out to the store after taking Vale for treatment.  I picked up some eggs, sausage, butter and Italian bread to make myself, and Vale as well through the rest of the week, some cooked breakfast.  I pulled my Bible out of my room and after my meal was set before me, and I bowed my head in thanksgiving I opened the Word to read my devotions.  They took me to Job 19 and I had one of those near epiphanies.  The Lord has really been redirecting my eyes so that I can hear Him say, ‘I am indeed listening’.  This chapter of Job… I really relate to.  I would never say that I have suffered as Job has, for that would be a horrid lie, but we have suffered, we have had friends turn their back on us, our family neglect us, accusations turned on us, the feeling of desertion, but not to the degree that Job had.  But in spite of all of that, Job still cried out with confidence, “I *know* my redeemer lives!”.  I really liked how he redirected his critics in this chapter.  So to sort of set the scene, Job has just had to endure yet another long winded, short sided, misguided reproach from another one of his friends.  What you will read here, is his reply:

Job 19

English Standard Version (ESV)

 Then Job answered and said:
 ”How long will you torment me
   and break me in pieces with words?
These ten times you have cast reproach upon me;
   are you not ashamed to wrong me?
And even if it be true that I have erred,
   my error remains with myself.
If indeed you magnify yourselves against me
   and make my disgrace an argument against me,
know then that God has put me in the wrong
   and closed his net about me.
Behold, I cry out, ‘Violence!’ but I am not answered;
   I call for help, but there is no justice.
He has walled up my way, so that I cannot pass,
   and he has set darkness upon my paths.
He has stripped from me my glory
   and taken the crown from my head.
He breaks me down on every side, and I am gone,
   and my hope has he pulled up like a tree.
He has kindled his wrath against me
   and counts me as his adversary.
His troops come on together;
   they have cast up their siege ramp against me
   and encamp around my tent.

 ”He has put my brothers far from me,
   and those who knew me are wholly estranged from me.
My relatives have failed me,
   my close friends have forgotten me.
The guests in my house and my maidservants count me as a stranger;
   I have become a foreigner in their eyes.
I call to my servant, but he gives me no answer;
   I must plead with him with my mouth for mercy.
My breath is strange to my wife,
   and I am a stench to the children of my own mother.
Even young children despise me;
   when I rise they talk against me.
All my intimate friends abhor me,
   and those whom I loved have turned against me.
My bones stick to my skin and to my flesh,
   and I have escaped by the skin of my teeth.
Have mercy on me, have mercy on me, O you my friends,
   for the hand of God has touched me!
Why do you, like God, pursue me?
   Why are you not satisfied with my flesh?

 ”Oh that my words were written!
   Oh that they were inscribed in a book!
Oh that with an iron pen and lead
   they were engraved in the rock forever!
For I know that my Redeemer lives,
   and at the last he will stand upon the earth.
And after my skin has been thus destroyed,
   yet in my flesh I shall see God,
whom I shall see for myself,
   and my eyes shall behold, and not another.
   My heart faints within me!
If you say, ‘How we will pursue him!’
   and, ‘The root of the matter is found in him,’
be afraid of the sword,
   for wrath brings the punishment of the sword,
   that you may know there is a judgment.”

Source: biblegateway.com

David… how did you know?

I came across this Psalm today, and the Psalmist, David the King, knew trouble and heartache.  Reading over it, I could swear he’s spent the last week in our house understood our plight:

Psa 40:1-17(1)  To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David. I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.(2)  He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.(3)  And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD.(4)  Blessed is that man that maketh the LORD his trust, and respecteth not the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.(5)  Many, O LORD my God, are thy wonderful works which thou hast done, and thy thoughts which are to us-ward: they cannot be reckoned up in order unto thee: if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.(6)  Sacrifice and offering thou didst not desire; mine ears hast thou opened: burnt offering and sin offering hast thou not required.(7)  Then said I, Lo, I come: in the volume of the book it is written of me,(8)  I delight to do thy will, O my God: yea, thy law is within my heart.(9)  I have preached righteousness in the great congregation: lo, I have not refrained my lips, O LORD, thou knowest.(10)  I have not hid thy righteousness within my heart; I have declared thy faithfulness and thy salvation: I have not concealed thy lovingkindness and thy truth from the great congregation.(11)  Withhold not thou thy tender mercies from me, O LORD: let thy lovingkindness and thy truth continually preserve me.(12)  For innumerable evils have compassed me about: mine iniquities have taken hold upon me, so that I am not able to look up; they are more than the hairs of mine head: therefore my heart faileth me.(13)  Be pleased, O LORD, to deliver me: O LORD, make haste to help me.(14)  Let them be ashamed and confounded together that seek after my soul to destroy it; let them be driven backward and put to shame that wish me evil.(15)  Let them be desolate for a reward of their shame that say unto me, Aha, aha.(16)  Let all those that seek thee rejoice and be glad in thee: let such as love thy salvation say continually, The LORD be magnified.(17)  But I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinketh upon me: thou art my help and my deliverer; make no tarrying, O my God.

David… how did you know?

I came across this Psalm today, and the Psalmist, David the King, knew trouble and heartache.  Reading over it, I could swear he’s spent the last week in our house understood our plight:

Psa 40:1-17(1)  To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David. I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.(2)  He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.(3)  And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD.(4)  Blessed is that man that maketh the LORD his trust, and respecteth not the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.(5)  Many, O LORD my God, are thy wonderful works which thou hast done, and thy thoughts which are to us-ward: they cannot be reckoned up in order unto thee: if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.(6)  Sacrifice and offering thou didst not desire; mine ears hast thou opened: burnt offering and sin offering hast thou not required.(7)  Then said I, Lo, I come: in the volume of the book it is written of me,(8)  I delight to do thy will, O my God: yea, thy law is within my heart.(9)  I have preached righteousness in the great congregation: lo, I have not refrained my lips, O LORD, thou knowest.(10)  I have not hid thy righteousness within my heart; I have declared thy faithfulness and thy salvation: I have not concealed thy lovingkindness and thy truth from the great congregation.(11)  Withhold not thou thy tender mercies from me, O LORD: let thy lovingkindness and thy truth continually preserve me.(12)  For innumerable evils have compassed me about: mine iniquities have taken hold upon me, so that I am not able to look up; they are more than the hairs of mine head: therefore my heart faileth me.(13)  Be pleased, O LORD, to deliver me: O LORD, make haste to help me.(14)  Let them be ashamed and confounded together that seek after my soul to destroy it; let them be driven backward and put to shame that wish me evil.(15)  Let them be desolate for a reward of their shame that say unto me, Aha, aha.(16)  Let all those that seek thee rejoice and be glad in thee: let such as love thy salvation say continually, The LORD be magnified.(17)  But I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinketh upon me: thou art my help and my deliverer; make no tarrying, O my God.

Unhelpful friends

If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?  James 2:15-16

I’ve been thinking a lot about this principle lately.  We’re having revival meetings.  I realize there isn’t going to be much revival in me, especially since I go to church ‘propped up’.  I ask for it anyway.  I ask for ears to hear.  I ask that God would bring someone along side me to strengthen my hand and help me not feel so alone.  He hasn’t provided that yet.  But I have received, and not at the Hand of God, well meaning yet hurtful friends.  

These are the people who say, “why don’t you just give it to God”, or (and this is just sweet) if Vale committed suicide it’s “not your fault”.  They admonish me to get some rest.  They just. don’t. get. it.  Now they claim they do, because after all they’ve gone through heartache themselves.  One friend tells me they understand a loosing a child to suicide because they’ve lost two pregnancies.  Ummm, loosing a pregnancy is difficult, I know, I lost one.  Lemme tell you it, it’s not close to equitable to nursing a damaged child recovering from rape.  These friends wrote to me the following

As our children became young adults, they desired to stretch their wings and adventure past the four walls of our house, and this corner of the world. The Lord gave them many opportunities to do so, and it was with great fear in my own heart that I put them into cars and planes to travel across this country and across the world. Lying awake at night and worrying did nothing to keep them safe as they ventured out on their own. I was forced to trust them to the Lord. At any time He can choose to take them to Him.

…. and that’s supposed to equate to my son taking his own life, which has nothing to do with God?  Does it come close to the panic I feel every morning when he takes a medication that might actually exacerbate his suicidal ideologies?  Are you kidding me?  I have a child who drives.  Oh my word, my child could choke on a cookie and go home to the Lord!  I sometimes wonder if God gives me so many hard things to carry because there are so many weak folk like the writer above, who can’t handle anything outside the ordinary.

We went through this quite a bit when Vale’s twin was having a lot of health issues.  People went as far as to state things like, “oh I know what you’re going through.. why just last week my dog got so sick..”  WHAT!?!?  How is that even similar?

But back to that verse on the top.  Another quote from the letter from my ‘friend’:

You are struggling mentally, physically and emotionally through this trial. Let me encourage you to step back for a moment and consider what is happening. What good will you be to any of your children if you can not think clearly to guide them to all Truth? How can you minister to them if you are exhausted and unwell, physically? How can you guide them into all truth if you are not drinking from the well yourself?

You know, they’re absolutely right.  But what they’re missing is that the level of vigilance and work that must be done 24 hours a day leaves no room for refreshment.  My children are so on edge that they’ve taken to finding me and reassuring themselves of my presence when I’m even in the bathroom!  So you’re telling me to find rest… when should that be?  hmmm?  How do I obtain that?  Where do I find that?  Or better yet, why not help provide that?  

Why do you think folks don’t actually help?  Do you think the situation is so messy they don’t want to get their hands dirty?  Do you think it’s because they don’t know how to help?  Admittedly I don’t know how to ask.  Is it because they’re so wrapped up in their lives that they can’t see past their own front door?  Then of course I have to end this posting by asking, how often do I do the same lazy, ignorant, selfish things myself?

Unhelpful friends

If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?  James 2:15-16

I’ve been thinking a lot about this principle lately.  We’re having revival meetings.  I realize there isn’t going to be much revival in me, especially since I go to church ‘propped up’.  I ask for it anyway.  I ask for ears to hear.  I ask that God would bring someone along side me to strengthen my hand and help me not feel so alone.  He hasn’t provided that yet.  But I have received, and not at the Hand of God, well meaning yet hurtful friends.  

These are the people who say, “why don’t you just give it to God”, or (and this is just sweet) if Vale committed suicide it’s “not your fault”.  They admonish me to get some rest.  They just. don’t. get. it.  Now they claim they do, because after all they’ve gone through heartache themselves.  One friend tells me they understand a loosing a child to suicide because they’ve lost two pregnancies.  Ummm, loosing a pregnancy is difficult, I know, I lost one.  Lemme tell you it, it’s not close to equitable to nursing a damaged child recovering from rape.  These friends wrote to me the following

As our children became young adults, they desired to stretch their wings and adventure past the four walls of our house, and this corner of the world. The Lord gave them many opportunities to do so, and it was with great fear in my own heart that I put them into cars and planes to travel across this country and across the world. Lying awake at night and worrying did nothing to keep them safe as they ventured out on their own. I was forced to trust them to the Lord. At any time He can choose to take them to Him.



…. and that’s supposed to equate to my son taking his own life, which has nothing to do with God?  Does it come close to the panic I feel every morning when he takes a medication that might actually exacerbate his suicidal ideologies?  Are you kidding me?  I have a child who drives.  Oh my word, my child could choke on a cookie and go home to the Lord!  I sometimes wonder if God gives me so many hard things to carry because there are so many weak folk like the writer above, who can’t handle anything outside the ordinary.

We went through this quite a bit when Vale’s twin was having a lot of health issues.  People went as far as to state things like, “oh I know what you’re going through.. why just last week my dog got so sick..”  WHAT!?!?  How is that even similar?

But back to that verse on the top.  Another quote from the letter from my ‘friend’:

You are struggling mentally, physically and emotionally through this trial. Let me encourage you to step back for a moment and consider what is happening. What good will you be to any of your children if you can not think clearly to guide them to all Truth? How can you minister to them if you are exhausted and unwell, physically? How can you guide them into all truth if you are not drinking from the well yourself?

You know, they’re absolutely right.  But what they’re missing is that the level of vigilance and work that must be done 24 hours a day leaves no room for refreshment.  My children are so on edge that they’ve taken to finding me and reassuring themselves of my presence when I’m even in the bathroom!  So you’re telling me to find rest… when should that be?  hmmm?  How do I obtain that?  Where do I find that?  Or better yet, why not help provide that?  

Why do you think folks don’t actually help?  Do you think the situation is so messy they don’t want to get their hands dirty?  Do you think it’s because they don’t know how to help?  Admittedly I don’t know how to ask.  Is it because they’re so wrapped up in their lives that they can’t see past their own front door?  Then of course I have to end this posting by asking, how often do I do the same lazy, ignorant, selfish things myself?