For the Boys ~ From this Mom

We sang this in church this morning and it really spoke to my heart.  I hope it speaks to yours as well.

“Be Still, My Soul”by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;Leave to thy God to order and provide;In every change He faithful will remain.Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, FriendThrough thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertakeTo guide the future as He has the past.Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;All now mysterious shall be bright at last.Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still knowHis voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends departAnd all is darkened in the vale of tears;Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repayFrom His own fulness all He takes away.

4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening onWhen we shall be forever with the Lord,When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

 

It seems that Vale has switched out some former anxiety habits for some newer ones.  One habit that’s bothering me quite a bit is his obsession with his fingernails.  He was trying to clip them every week, so that they were down to the quick with absolutely no free edge.  He *hates* when there is dirt under his nails, so by clipping them that short he could avoid it, for the most part.  The thing with nails is that the more you keep clipping them the lower the nail bed becomes.  That’s why people with bite their nails seems to have only half nails instead of nails that come up to their finger tips.  So obviously we took all the clippers and locked them away.  I got him an orange wood stick so he could clean them out, but then he was cleaning them all the time and carrying the stick with him in his pocket!  If you know anything about the sticks, they are rather sharp, so carrying an orange wood stick in your pocket could potentially become dangerous.  Not only that but orange wood sticks are porous and need to be kept clean or you spread germs etc.  So I had to take the orange wood stick off him.

The second fun thing we are experiencing is compulsive organizing in the grocery store.  Vale is fixing shelves, organizing the fruit, stacking cans etc.  The longer I linger in a particular aisle the harder it is to get him to move on and shop.  I’ve left him in an aisle and continued my shopping only to find him in the same spot fixing the shelves when I was finished elsewhere!  When he’s doing this, he gives me this smile that makes me wonder if he’s just playing me.  So I asked him about it today, I asked him if he felt compelled to order shelves in the store.  He looked at me like I was insane and replied, “uh… yeah”.   He made a scoffing sound to punctuate the stupidity of me asking such an ‘inane’ question.  Alright dude, I get it.  You’re compelled.

We live right across the street from a grocery store (well actually, across the street, across the railroad tracks and across the parking lot) and often the kids, which includes Vale, will run across the street and pick up something for me.  I asked Vale how he does when he’s by himself in the store (wondering if having an audience enhances his compulsion).  He says if he has to stay in an aisle long enough in order to make a decision about something I asked for, he has the compulsion to fix the shelves.  So I guess if it’s an in an out thing he’s okay.

He is cutting less and less, which is wonderful.  And in the grand scheme of things, keeping clean nails and ordering shelves in a grocery store are far less dangerous than self harm.  But all the behaviors point to anxiety habits, and even being neat and tidy can morph into disturbing proportions.  I guess all I can do is keep an eye on things for the time being.

I have a couple of ‘series’ going, if you want to call them that.  I have the Fallout series, which I keep adding to, because more issues crop up all the time.  And I also am thankful to have the Guest Blogger series.  I hope that grows as well, I love having guest bloggers on!  I’ll admit that partly it lightens my blogging load, but mostly I like it for a two-fold reason: I get to be a venue for others to make their voices heard, and it validates our voice a little more.  I know none of you need convincing, but I feel with more people sharing a very similar story, it makes me feel like, “See!  I told you it’s a big problem!”

So the Ordinary Day series is just going to be posts where our family went through something typical without PTSD, SI or ED intruding.  I guess it will give you a snapshot into our regular lives.  Let me know what you think.

So, yesterday was Father’s Day.  My husband isn’t the type that likes a big fuss, so I tried to prepare the foods he liked and planned a simple activity in the afternoon.  Sunday is church day, so anything we did had to fit between the hours of 12:30-5:30 so that we can make morning and evening church.  Although my honey does enjoy a good steak, he really likes all those salad-y type dishes, so that’s what I made.  I’ll share with you a little about each dish, because I altered some stuff and it was really good!  Here’s the menu:

Turkey salad on homemade whole wheat bread: I roasted the turkey breast, cleaned the meat off, mixed it with celery, chives, chopped apple, mayo and onion salt/pepper.  I served it with sliced avocado and canned jellied cranberry sauce.  Not really a big fan of canned cranberry sauce, but it is good sliced on a turkey sandwich!

Broccoli salad: cut up broccoli florets, craisins, flaxseed, chopped sweet onion, bacon and pineapple

Greek style pasta salad: gluten-free pasta (Payne is gf), cubed cukes, halved cherry tomatoes, feta cheese, chopped sweet onion, green olives and minced cilantro.  I know cilantro isn’t necessarily a ‘greek’ herb but I love it.  I tossed it all with a bottled Greek salad dressing.

Tandycake: this is reminiscent of the Tasty Cake treat that you can buy.  You bake a yellow sponge cake then spread a good amount of peanut butter on top while the cake is still hot.  Let it all chill then spread melted semi sweet chocolate over top.  It’s a family favorite.  So easy, so yummy.  We also had some ice cream as a gluten-free option for Payne.

Homemade iced tea and pickles rounded out our menu which my husband declared two thumbs up!  Yay!

We then went to this river festival which we apparently arrived too late for, because no one was still there!  Not even the vendors! LOL  Oh well, we had a nice time walking along the banks of the river.  Someone left sidewalk chalk around the river walkways and the kids had a good time using that.  Dolorosa used her daddy’s name as an acrostic and wrote out character traits for him.  Grey drew boxes designed just for dads and their wives. Vale tried to draw a building of which Payne teasingly criticized.  He got her back by drawing a non-flattering picture of her and labeled it “My twin is a BatFace”.  Watching the two of them was too funny.

“That line is crooked!  What’s that supposed to be?? It’s pitiful” provoked Payne.

“Shut it Batface!” teased back Vale.

We ended up having some of the kids who are interested in photography take pictures of the same thing, but with their own composition and then they’ll edit it.  It will be neat to see how the photos come out.  I’m pretty sure my man had a good day.  It was kinda a bummer that we missed the River Festival activities, but my husband said it was a fun and relaxing afternoon.

Vale ate his lunch well, with no sneering or visible pickyness.  There wasn’t a hint of self harming anywhere.  Vale was pleasant and funny, making up his own little rock song of “BAT FACE!” to which his twin rolled her eyes.  Even Oldest Brother wasn’t difficult.  Hmmm, there was harmony.  What more could you ask for?

I have been ‘friends’ with this gentleman for a bit now and he posted a link to his blog on twitter.  I loved the post so much that I begged (quite pathetically I may add) that he would allow me to post it for you all to read.  He so graciously did.  My I present Huge God Ministries:

Saturday, June 18, 2011

God Meant It For Good: Celebrating My Spiritual Birthday

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. (Genesis 50:20)

Today, June 18, I turn 15 years old in Christ. And looking back over my life, though it hasn’t all been pleasant, God has been in it, working for my good and his glory. So I thought it would be fitting today to share some of God’s working in my life. I pray that you would be encouraged by my story and that you would celebrate God’s gift of salvation with me on this important day.

Genesis 50:20 is a verse that has taken me years to understand. In fact, I still don’t grasp it in all of its fullness. But God has graciously shown me that I am where I am today in spite of the evil done to me because of his good intentions amidst the evil.

You Meant Evil Against MeThis is probably one of the hardest blog posts to write. In fact, I have been struggling with writing it for months. But I feel my story needs to be told for two reasons. First, so that others who may be in the same place may be able to see God’s grace in the midst of it. And second, because it’s a reminder to me how God has been faithful despite everything that has happened. What I’m writing here is something that few who know me actually know. I will not recount my whole life story, but rather focus on one thing: a great evil done to me.

From the ages of 11-16, I was sexually abused. I will not name my perpetrator here, nor will I give much detail. It took me years to understand that what was happening was indeed abuse. And I didn’t tell anyone until several years later.

The time of being abused was very difficult for me. I felt ashamed. Guilty. Like I had done something wrong. I was confused. Devastated. It left me without a sense of who I was, and I came to doubt that God cared for me or could even love me. I became bitter and depressed, lashing out in anger often. When I was 13, I was near suicidal, contemplating whether or not I should continue to try in life. I hated everything. I had reached the end of myself, but had nowhere to turn.

But God Meant It For GoodGod had great mercy on me during this time. He set it up so that I would go to church camp the week of June 17-21, 1996. That Tuesday night, June 18, I realized that I needed God’s forgiveness and that Christ died so that I could be saved. I also realized that my life was a mess and that Jesus looked better to me than the ways I had been managing. I asked Jesus into my life, and for the first time I realized that God did in fact love me.

There was a dramatic change in my life. I was lashing out less and less in anger. I started doing well in school. While depression remained, I didn’t see suicide as an option. Instead, I saw more and more that God was walking with me through the pain and confusion I was dealing with. He was leading me to where he wanted me to be.

The abuse still continued for a few more years, as did the guilt, the shame, and the silence. I am having to learn what forgiveness is and how to go about it. I still struggle with identity and my sense of self. Some of the painful effects remain to this day. But I no longer face it alone. I may not know who I am, but I know whose I am, and that makes all the difference. I am a child of God. And the truth that he speaks over me is more important than the lies of a thousand evils done against me. I am learning to trust my heavenly Father as he leads me into all the good that he planned from the start.

I may be 28 years old, but today, I am 15 in Christ. He saved me, gave me new life, and made me his own child by the blood of his Son Jesus, who loved me and gave himself for me. Praise God for his good work in me!

Posted by Charles R. Higham at 9:02 AM

 

I was remiss in not mentioning some of the neat men that I’ve had the privilege to get to know via Twitter.  The dynamic is really different with them than it is the women or moms.  I don’t chat with them very often, so there isn’t this back and forth like there is typically with women, but I do consider them my friends.  These men embody the hope I have for Vale.  I see them speaking out, shaking some trees, being a force to be reckoned with.  I admire that so much.  I try to read every blog, retweet their struggles and successes and in the most simple of terms let them know that I hear them and have their backs.

I had the great gift of supporting Chris Gavaghan and his documentary “Coached into Silence” .  It was such a thrill to put my money where my mouth was, shake my fist and say, “Hailz to the Yes, we are Unashamed and Unembarassed!!  The men like Chris are blazing a trail that will make my son’s journey easier and I want to struggle with them at the grassroots level.  I can give to them everything that I would hope one would give to Vale when he is an adult.

Maybe it’s a little selfish, I do for them because I see Vale in them.  But I’d like to think it’s much more.  Now, we don’t tell each other secrets or share hopes and fears like I would do with another woman, but instead I am their cheerleader.  I’m so happy and content to be so.  In fact, I’m humbled that they let me.

Most of the fallout I’ve written about has been pretty negative, because the reality of it is that it actually is.  There are very few perks or benefits that come to light from having a child who was raped.  In fact it almost seems ludicrous to have the term perk or benefit in the same sentence as rape!  However the one truly wonderful thing that does happen… let me rephrase that.  The second wonderful thing that has happened due to this difficult walk, the first being how close Vale and I have become, is the development of friendships between myself and some really neat ladies.

I’ve made friends all over the world who have been in this situation, mostly via Twitter.  These ladies notice when I’m not ‘around’ or when I’ve not been so communicative.  I appreciate that.  I am comforted by knowing that I was missed, even if it’s from folk whom I’ve never met in real life.  When they speak, I listen.  When they comment, I consider them because I know they understand and that they are trying to hold me up.  In a way it’s a bitter piece of irony that I’m receiving more support from women half way across the globe than I am from folks down the street.  But, nonetheless, I have that support in them.  I find these women funny, resilient and determined.  I’m grateful to have them in my corner and I’m honored to be in theirs.

And in the close-to-home category, I’ve made friends with a couple of women who truly inspire me.  One woman I’m getting to know a little bit better everyday, I’ll call her Lauren.  She is the only other mother of a male survivor that I’ve met, and that means a lot to me.  Boys have some different issues, so it’s a relief to know another mom and to hear her story and see so many similarities.  I really like her and I adore her son.

One other new friend of mine is named April, and let me tell you I love this woman.  I think mostly it’s due to the fact that she’s always forward thinking and moving; ‘what can we accomplish next’, ‘what’s the next step we can take with this thing’.  She takes NOTHING lying down, even if she can’t beat it.  In that way, I’ve found a kindred.  I’m a perpetual motion kinda gal who always wants a little progress.  I very rarely have a ‘oh well’ attitude about anything.  Neither does April.  We went out for dinner a week or so ago and talked and talked for four hours almost exclusively about childhood trauma.  Then when another friend, Lauren, texted concerning some harassment her son was receiving, we looked at each other and both had the same thought, “Let’s go do something about it”.  How can you not love a friend like that?  In trauma like this, if you’re of the fighting sort (and let me tell you I am) you long to find something to throw that frenetic energy into.  April hands me real, relevant and worthwhile things to fight.  I can’t thank her enough for that.

Fallout still sucks, but you’ve got to find your blessings where you can.  I definitely have found some. =)  Oh, by the way, you can read April’s story HERE

 

24kauguy:

I have been blessed with some new friends who have suggested I write a blog.  Writing does not come easily to me so blogging has been something I have avoided but because of the encouragement from my new friends I have decided to give it a try.

A little about me: 37yo son, brother and husband.  

Why I write: there is a little boy inside who has never had a voice and I aim to give him a place to express the pain of the sexual abuse he endured.

This is a first step.  One more step forward.

Tell on my friend… we’re listening!

Grey is a very bright boy, however he is an incredibly lazy one.  We have to push him to do *anything* that he may consider work, which means anything that he doesn’t want to do.  After Vale disclosed and Grey began having nightmares his school work declined sharply.  He wouldn’t turn in assignments on time so he constantly got backed up which made him feel overwhelmed and he would get further and further behind.

So it’s the last week of school.  Grey was behind about 20 assignments and getting each one done was like pulling teeth.  We literally had to sit next to him to ensure he would stay on task and not be on some Star Wars Wiki website.  Tonight was the final straw, because it literally the final day, final hours of the school year.  And true to form, he did not complete a major assignment in a class that he is failing.

Even though he timed out of completing the assignment on time, I pushed him to complete it nonetheless because it was the right thing to do.  He had to write an outline.  This is what he wrote instead.

I want to talk to Mom but I can’t. She won’t listen to a word I say. She’ll call me a liar and say that I’m saying this to get out of work. That’s not true. My nightmares have been worse and I’m afraid to go to bed. I’m also scared to death about this assignment because there is no plan. I just have to make it up as I go, and I have to spend more than five minutes talking on a subject I don’t know a lot about. I have no idea how to write the outline. I can’t write the speech; I need to make it up. I have no clue what I’m doing. I’m so scared of what happens when I’m done and of the grade I’ll get (a zero) that I can’t think. Even worse, nobody believes me. My Mom hates me because I don’t do as well in school as she wants My assignment isn’t even worth doing; I’ll get a zero on it no matter what. I don’t really care anymore. I’m out of time, and I hate the USP program. Of course, Mom thinks I’m lying because she wants me to excel. I’m fine in a normal school. I don’t need advanced placement. I feel like it’s just Mom who wants me to do well and “act like a scholar” so that she won’t look bad as a mother. As soon as I complete this I have to go to bed, and I have stuff to do tomorrow. If I fall asleep I will have nightmares, but if I don’t, I will feel so tired that I will do a poor job tomorrow. I wish I didn’t have anything to do. No sleep, no school. The perfect combination.

What I say to that? Some of that is motivated by fatigue, stress and anger, but what about the rest?  What do I say to that?  I simply hate being alive.

Ps. I turned it into the teacher.  Let her grade that.

 

Can you tell me what brought your son to the point where he was. Or how you found out?

sethmancey

Hi!  Thanks so much for asking.  On the main page of my tumblr blog there are on the right hand side of the page links to other pages which will answer your questions.  I will provide a link for you. =)

How it all began: http://fortheboysfromthismom.com/?page_id=174

Why Write this Blog: http://fortheboysfromthismom.com/?page_id=166

These links will take you away from tumblr to my ‘main’ site of this blog.  We recently purchased our own domain name in order to help more young men, more families.  So these links take you to that site.  You can find these same pages on our tumblr version of our blog as well.

If you have any more questions, please be sure to ask.  Thanks so much for taking the time to ask. =)

Vale’s Mom

 

One of the struggles our family has been facing is from the leaders in our church.  Don’t get me wrong, they love our family and they love Vale but they don’t necessarily approve of our methods in treating him.  From our Senior Pastor we have been told that Vale needs to understand that **what happened to him was not his sin, he was completely blameless, but his responses (the self-harm and eating disorder) are and he just needs to stop the behavior.  Vale’s Youth Pastor is very concerned that we are looking for traditional psychotherapy because it is his belief that all Vale needs is counseling from the Word of God and a better understanding of who God is.  Now I believe that counseling from the Word and a better understanding of who God is essential, but I do NOT believe it is the only thing necessary.  I also do not believe that God faults Vale’s method of communicating his pain (cutting/self-harm) initially because it was the only skill or outlet that he had.  With increased understanding and efforts being made to teach him better ways, Vale will indeed become more accountable.  Their responses to us have produced frustration and a lot of sadness in us.  It creates a disconnect in our fellowship and removes them from our support system, because we don’t feel that they believe in us.  The following is a letter that I wrote to try to express ourselves and to support our decision Biblically.  I hope that this perhaps will provide our readers some comfort and support.  If I receive a response, I’ll let you know. =)

As human beings we are comprised of three distinct parts that work in unison and make up the individuals that we are: soul (or spirit), mind and body.  Each part is very important and it’s unwise to value one above the other, and I think so far we would agree.  So working with the thesis that the Bible is sufficient for all things I would like to take each of features apart and then put them back together.

The spirit is the part of us that commune with God; it’s what makes us immortal and different from all created beings.  Each person is born with a ‘sick’ soul and must have the Great Physician heal it by applying the balm of Gilead through salvation through Jesus Christ.  We know that the way a person receives that balm, that Salvation is only through the Word (Faith cometh…by the Word of God).  But even the soul needs more than just the Word.  The soul needs nourishment of fellow believers.  True, the soul could exist through life without being with another believer, but I think you would agree that it probably would not mature completely nor be as complete.  We could also argue that a soul also needs the unsaved.  All of us have been commissioned to spread the gospel, so without the unsaved to share with, we have a great lack.  This is evidenced in Christians who don’t share the Gospel; their faith is far from perfected.  And while it’s true that the receiving of healing from the Great Physician, the fellowship of believers and the sharing of the gospel all pertain to the Word of God, it’s not simply the Word itself that is sufficient.  The soul, which is created for the communion with God, needs a little more than His Word to be perfected.

When it comes to the body, one could argue that the Word isn’t needed at all.   But of course this would be ridiculous because you can’t have a living body without soul or the mind.  One doesn’t eat the Word, use the Word for shelter or clothe oneself with the Word, so the Word isn’t all-sufficient for the body.  And due to the sin nature the body is corrupt (because it is temporal) and so it becomes sick or broke down.  When this occurs we utilize medication and doctors for its healing.  We certainly don’t expect the patient to simply trust in the sufficiency of the Word to heal them.  We wouldn’t tell a diabetic to stop leaning on the crutch of diet and insulin and just trust through prayer and Bible reading, you wouldn’t tell a cancer patient to forgo chemotherapy because people are praying for them and all they need to do is just trust in the Word.  In fact, we would go so far as to call people like that foolish and accuse them of mishandling the Word.  However, in a very true sense prayer and Bible reading aids in healing, if it be God’s will, because it keeps the patient’s focus positive and upon eternal things.  In fact, scientific research as proven these things (faith and a positive outlook) to be factual, although they wouldn’t credit an all-powerful God.  Remaining in prayer and staying the Word, in a very simplistic sense, keeps the autonomic nervous system from working in overdrive which promotes healing and well-being.  So although the Word promotes better health, it’s not the only thing that is necessary for the body.

Lastly, we consider the mind, and this is where I find the disconnect.  I think the mind is a go between for the soul and the body, a portal if you will.  Without the mind being receptive to the teachings of the Word the soul will never receive it.  But the mind too can become ill, or corrupt through no fault of the patient.  And I think here is where you and I differ in opinion.  For some reason, in Christianity, it’s completely okay for a person to need medical help for their body and no one questions treatment, rehabilitation, therapies or medication.  However, when it comes to the mind becoming ill it’s perceived as a spiritual weakness and that idea demonstrates a lack of compassion and understanding.  True, modern science has thrown the baby out with the bath water in the name of mental illness, but then do we reject all mental illness?  Is schizophrenia a sin or simply lacking in trust in the Word?  How about autism?  Would you tell a mother of a child who has *Asperger’s to ‘just use the Word’ and tell the child to stop its odd behavior?  No, of course not, that would be cruel wouldn’t it?  Then why do we want to tell Vale to just stop cutting and to just eat more?  Why can it not be recognized that he has an illness in his mind that keeps him from thinking and responding clearly?  True, unlike Asperger’s, a difference someone is born with, Eating Disorders and Self Injury behaviors can be healed, but not through only the sufficiency of the Word.  I find it frustrating to consider that, if the boys who raped Vale had shot him instead, no one would question the method of his healing and rehabilitation.  No one would tell him to “just trust the Word”.  Why is it occurring in this situation?  I think it needs more depth of thought, and allow me to explain.

Consider the factors that lead to his mental instability; the very real break down and dissolving of his family and sexual assault.  Consider both in the light of God’s Word: what is the first and most fundamental institution that God created?  The family.  The more I learn about attachment theories the more Biblical sense they make.  Children are born expecting to trust the adults that care for them, that they are part of a family unit, and that they will be loved.  God created them that way.  So when this attachment is disrupted by brutality, neglect, placement elsewhere etc. there is some considerable damage to the child’s mind.  Each child is different so the effect is different, but to say that there isn’t any would be ridiculous.  The disruption of family goes against everything God created the family to be, it’s a complete perversion.  And sex was created to not only populate the earth but the join together a man and wife, it is meant to be a reaffirming of a very special bond.  Again this has been completely corrupted in Vale’s case and thus has created the opposite effect, it created a tearing apart.  Vale’s childhood was riddled with adults who did not care for his needs, proved themselves untrustworthy and provided no safety.  That alone is enough to disrupt a mind.  Add to this repeated rape and no outlet to find safety or escape (a basic human need), coupled with the fact that he buried this for 6 years and there is little wonder at his current broken down state.

I concede and vigorously agree with the statement that full mental healing will only come with the balm of the Word of God.  But to imply that all Vale needs at this point is the Word of God is wrong and it’s frustrating.  Again, using the example of Elijah, if all Elijah needed was the Word of God, if that was all-sufficient, then why did God send the ravens or provide the brook? (1 Kings 19)

Right now, in Vale’s case, we will continue to provide the Word through opening it at home, exposure to it at church and Godly Biblical counseling.  However, we also concede that Vale also needs more; medication and therapies to teach coping skills that keep his anxiety low enough that he can hear the Word.  Nothing in this life can ever undo what happened in Vale’s early childhood, and so nothing will completely erase the pain and the pull to cut or leave off eating.  But the Word will help him stand firmly above his early childhood and keep those self-destructive impulses at bay.  In fact I believe God will use all these experiences to increase Vale’s ability to minister in this ever increasingly corrupted world.  He will reach souls and minds that you never could.  But we have to give him the space and the devotion to heal and be fed by God.

*Just a note: Asperger’s is not a mental illness but a neurological disorder.  I was just trying to make a point.

** Upon rereading this post this sentence seemed to sound like my Pastor was saying that pedophilia was not a sin.  That is not the case whatsoever.  The raping of my son is a heinous and grievous sin before God.  My pastor’s point was that it wasn’t Vale’s sin.  I didn’t want to give a faulty representation.

 

I borrowed this post from the blog 5 Nuts in a ShellMONDAY, JUNE 6, 2011

“And Then They Stole My Pants, Mom!”

Despite what you may think when reading the title, this post is actually about something very serious that every parent needs to hear.  I hate that I am sitting here typing this, I hate it that I can talk about something like this.  The thing is, no matter how well you watch you kids, things out of your control will happen.  It happened to us today, and they say there isn’t anything I can do about it, but I refuse to sit around feeling helpless, so I am going to tell you what happened to us today so that you can know some of the dangers out there that sometimes we just don’t see coming.  I take no pride in sharing this story, only shame, regret and feeling a bit like a failure from preventing it from happening in the first place.

Warning:  I use a word in this post that isn’t family friendly.  But I have to use it to explain to the full extent of what happened today.

Today, since the boys have been so well-behaved lately, I wanted to take them out to lunch for a treat.  Their favorite place to go is the new Chick-fil-a here in town.  They love the play area and I love it too (despite the germs) because it has big windows all around it and I can watch them play and eat my lunch in peace because I can’t hear them being all loud.  If there is a fight or what-not I can see it or they come out and tattle.  I especially keep an eye out for bullies, since Sam seems to be a bully-magnet.

They ate their lunch super fast so they could go play.  They looked so cute in their little hats.  I snapped this picture for Ben.

Then, while the boys were playing, lunch hour came and it started getting busy.  A bunch of kids came and went in the play area too. One of the kids was a little to big for the play area, like 11 or 12 years old, but he was in there with his little brother and sister (about Sam’s age) and I thought maybe he was just supervising his siblings so his parents could eat in peace.

All the kids had left but my boys and this older boy and siblings.  They all seemed to be playing nice.  Then about 10-15 min later their mom called them out to leave.  I watched them go, then Sam came out without his pants.  I didn’t think much of it, I was only irritated because he is going through that “no-pants” phase, but he had NEVER taken them off in public like this before.  I told him to go get his pants back on.  He tried to tell me something but I ignored him and told him he was in big trouble if he didn’t go get his pants on now.  He went back into the play area and looked around.  Then I had to climb up there and look too.  No pants.

What the heck?  Where could they have gone?

So I asked him.

“The big kid took them!”  He told me tears coming to his eyes.  Alright, I gave him a break.  So I took him up to the manager and told them that some kid took off with Sam’s pants and if they turned up if they would call me.

Sam started crying for his lost pants as I took him to the car.  At first I laughed about it.  Only Sam would lose his pants and get them stolen.  But then I suddenly got this feeling that something was very, VERY wrong.  So I asked him:

“Sam, why did the big kid steal your pants?”

“Because he was hurting my penis and I hit him!” He told me.  Suddenly this feeling of complete sickness and dread filled my complete body and I thought I was going to lose my lunch right there in parking lot.

“He touched your penis?” I asked very calmly, I didn’t want to freak out in front of him.

“Yes, and the little girl pulled my penis!  It hurt!  I kicked and hit and made them go away, but they took my pants!”

My stomach turned again.

Luckily I had a friend with me so she stayed in the car with the baby and Nephi and I took Sam back inside.  I talked to the manager and filed an incident report… which will probably be filed away and forgotten.  I really didn’t know what I could do!  It isn’t like they have cameras in there.  I am sure it happened up in one of those tubes where you can’t see what’s going on.  But you wouldn’t think that children would do that to each other!  And I was right there watching!!

I called my dad, an ex-cop, to know if I should go to the police.  He told me there isn’t any thing that they could do.  No witnesses.  It would be Sam’s word against the other kids, and what parent would believe their “perfect” children would molest other kids in a public place?  He told me that Sam’s reaction depends on how big of deal I make out it.  I told my dad that it was a big deal!  He then said that the best thing I could do for Sam is just to talk to him about not letting people steal his pants and touch his privates.  That he is still young and innocent enough not to let it get to him if I play it cool.  He told me to make sure I play it up how strong and good he was to fight those people who stole his pants.

I realized that he was right.  I could throw a stink about it, maybe they could find the kids from Chick-Fil-A cameras, but there is no proof and Sam can’t talk well enough for people to really understand him.  But what I can do is warn other parents about the dangers of letting your kids play in places you can’t see them at all times.  It hurts my heart to say it, but there it is.  You can’t watch your child ALL the time.  I thought I was.  I was RIGHT there!  But I can’t see them in those tubes at all times.  We often think of teenagers or older people when we think of perverts and molesters.  But sadly, I found out today that children can be perverts and sickos too!

Parents, just be careful and know what is going on out there.  We live in a pretty safe community and I am just sick about the whole thing.  It angers me that I feel so helpless!  If I can stop it from happening to your kiddos just by spreading the news, then I am glad I wrote this post no matter how hard it was to do it.  I feel like a bad mom for not knowing what was going on, but at the same time I don’t know what I could have done differently!  It’s so frustrating!  I know I can’t be there all the time, but I am glad that Sam’s guardian angel was and helped him fend them off when I couldn’t be there.

I sat the boys down after I talked to my dad and we had a little talk about people “stealing pants.”  I told them that if anyone tries to take their pants off or touch them in their privates, that it is okay to hit and kick them and then run and tell mommy.  Sam was pretty happy about this.  Never have I told him it was okay to hit and kick other people, but in his mind I suppose stealing pants is a good a reason if any to open a can of whoop.

So I wanted to make sure he understood me so I asked him:

“Sam, what do you do if someone tries to take your pants again?”

“I will hit and kick them and tell mommy!”

“That’s right!” I told him and gave him a big hug.  But he wasn’t done…

“Then I will get my big gun with big bullets and I will shoot them!  Then I will throw markers at them!!”

I think he got the point… He was more upset about his pants stolen then the other stuff.  I mean, seriously, stealing pants is unforgivable!

PS- Just for the record, I don’t blame Chick-Fil-A for any of this.  Sam is my responsibly and hopefully this will teach me to watch better and have them in play places with less hiding places.

 

Tell the boys, the best way to get back at the perps, is to get well and run the race of recovery and keep on running. We will hold the tape at the finishing line for you, passing on the baton, until you all come through.

Kathy Freeman

@sheepfoldcarer

http://kathylambie.blog.com/

 

Can I just say I’m finding it so hard to sit here and post as of late.  It’s hardly because I have nothing to say, on the contrary, I find myself having so much to say and being so angry about it all, that it sort of clogs up my ability to write about it.

I want to write more about the fallout.  90% of my day is spent cleaning up from the collateral damage.  It’s so wearying and so trying and makes me so frickin’ angry because I know that there is no recourse, we just have to move through it.  And while we’re struggling to deal, I need to keep myself together and that is enough of a challenge in of itself!  You know what one of my biggest difficulties is?  Menu planning.  Ridiculous, right?

I want to write about the injustice I’m learning about in our judicial system and society against our male victims.  We want our boys to grow up and be good strong leaders of tomorrow, but how in the heck are they going to do that if we ignore their sexual assaults??  Why can’t we as a people recognize that?  And then we tsk tsk our men because they objectify women, become emotional cripples or closed off or become perps themselves.  ”You know men, they can’t control themselves” uh, NO.  We told them when they were young that sex is something that we use as a power play and no, we don’t care if you’re hurt by it.  Good lord, how can they learn how to value other people if we can’t teach them to value themselves???

I want to write an open letter to my son’s perps.  I want to tell them all the things I would do to harm them had I the chance, how they’ll meet their Maker one day and the price they’ll pay then.  Do I even want to open that can of worms?

I want to write about the fantastic men and women I’ve met who’ve either walked this road as survivors or as parents of survivors.  There is one young man who Vale knows that was assaulted by his 4 friends.  He was gagged, tied, stripped than sodomized by these boys, because after all ‘boys will be boys’ (that’s what one perp’s frickin’ mother said!).  This is a gorgeous young man who wants to grab the world by the tail and shake it, but can’t quite keep his feet under him.

I guess I wanna say the word frick a lot too, judging by what I just wrote, but okay.

Took yet another trip down south to see Vale’s adolescent medicine specialist yesterday to discuss Vale’s desire to enter a day treatment facility to work on his ‘issues’.  Do you hate that word?  Issues?  It seems to minimize everything.  Anyway, I digress.  The specialist support’s Vale’s desire to enter into a treatment program, because after all, that’s what was originally prescribed.    The question now is, which type of treatment.

We are not going to straight up hospitalize Vale, because he isn’t suicidal or in danger of harming himself or others.  So at this point he won’t be admitted for traditional, through- the-night type hospitalization.  The next two options are a day treatment program at a traditional psychiatric hospital, which will be focused on mood and his trauma or an eating disorder clinic.

Some of my misgivings about the eating disorder clinic: The eating disorder is only one component of what’s going on w/ Vale, and maybe not even the most significant one.  They won’t work on the trauma which I believe is the underlying cause of the ED, because that’s not what it’s designed for.  And the clinic will have mostly girls in it which is a bit of a discouragement to Vale, as well as a temptation.  But I do know the facility and the people working it, so that is a comfort.

My misgivings about the traditional psychiatric facility is just that I don’t know them at all… and I do wonder if the psychology will do more harm than good, but that’s just a general misgiving I have about psychiatric treatment over all.  However, I do know of another family that sent their son there and had terrific results.  I think of the two placements it’s a better choice and will provide the most to Vale.

When we had to hospitalize Payne for her treatment, it was easy to know which facility, because there was only one option and I felt secure in it.  But this time, not so much, although I am relieved we don’t need to hospitalize him.  I couldn’t bear it.  Well I guess I could if I needed too, I just wouldn’t want to bear it.  Either way we go will mean leaving the rest of my family for about 2 weeks which will be difficult.  We’ll need a lot of help and honestly, I don’t know where we’ll get it.  When I had to leave home w/ Payne everyone knew why and we still didn’t get a lot of help.  This time most folk don’t know what’s going on…I just don’t know how it’s going to work out.  This may sound very…pragmatic, but that’s going to have to be my husband’s problem and he’ll have to deal with it.  Boy that makes me sound hard-edged.  There is only so much I can do.. and that’s all there is to it.

We’ll keep you updated. =)