For the Boys ~ From this Mom

We found a lovely house to rent in the summer to take a vacation.  I’m so very thankful.  I think I can hang on thinking of it…  It’s remote and right on the bay.  I can’t wait!

The entire family is so worn out.  Everyone is cranky, tired and on edge.  You set anyone of us still for any length of time, and we fall asleep.  We’re starting to pick fights, get easily offended and avoiding.  This can’t continue.  We need a break.  A rest.  Sometime apart from life.. doing *nothing*.  Or doing something fun?  Not a day.. an entire week.

I know everything comes in it’s season.  This is not a season for a vacation: we have school, activities, work, church obligations.  But I’m so weary now.

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”   Matthew 11:28-30

I’m trying to live this.. really I am.  But the rest seems so elusive

Thank you so much for writing.  I do enjoy hearing from readers, what they think of the blog and most of all their advice.  I didn’t want to simply publish your note because it was rather personal, I didn’t have your permission to share your journey and your thoughts were so complimentary it seemed like … well it would have seemed like I was promoting myself. =)

You don’t have a ‘ask me a question’ type button on your blog, or else I would have sent you this in that manner.  But I didn’t want your note to go seemingly unnoticed and not appreciated.  Thank you so much.  I am so grateful for your encouragement.

ps. I shared your note with Vale and showed him how much his story means to others.  I hope it inspired him to see how he could impact people through his recovery.

About Tags: is there some way to insert tags more easily?  I find that if I type in a letter the tag options come up, but then the letter or part of the word also stays as a tag.. so annoying!

How do *you* easily place tags in your blogs?  What’s the secret?

After our ‘terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day’ (have you ever read that book?) we had an interesting night.  Vale came in to wake me, and I completely freaked (uh, not completely) remained completely calm (not that either) woke up.  Vale’s brother just threw up on his bedroom floor.  Because of all that disturbance, the brother ended up sleeping in my bed and Vale in the recliner in my room, needless to say we all woke for the day very tired.

But the day did end on a very positive note, and I want to post about that.  Vale sang in a concert that evening (oh, does he have a beautiful voice!) and came home rather hungry.  We had ordered a couple of pizzas and Vale ate generously.  He came to me later and asked if he could sleep in our room, because he ate so much he really wanted to purge and he didn’t want to give in to it.  So of course we told him NO WAY!… of course not, we set him up a bed in our room.

I am so proud of him asking for help.  I know that I can provide him with all the love, support, therapy etc as possible, but unless he wants to help himself we’ll go nowhere fast.  Definitely a step in the right direction.

What a relief… until Vale started shuffling the color communication cards that is.  He put the light blue one back in the stack and then handed nearly every single other card *besides* the ‘I’m feeling great!’ card:

• Help!  Things are serious!
• I want to cut
• I want to purge
• I’m remembering
• I don’t know what to say
• I feel blank
• I just cut

You just cut?  How is that possible?  You haven’t been home 5 minutes and I’ve seen you every minute…(suck in breath) Did you cut at The ***** home?

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Vale, did you cut when you were at The ***** home!?!?

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Oh Vale, what happened??  And then he told me.  

Our youth pastor was talking about how we all are part of the body of Christ, and how each part of the body has to support an help the other parts.  All doctrinally correct, and I support that.  However, he then used an object lesson, and I didn’t support that.  The pastor said, “No one wakes up in the morning thinking, ‘I’m gunna hurt myself today’ and then goes and gets a hammer and smashes his hand..”  To which the other members of the youth group snickered and laughed. *sigh*  So insensitive, so foolish.  Vale was hurt and upset by that, and I can understand why.  I am not happy with this.  Vale and 3 of his siblings are in youth group, that means 4 people are there who have lives touched by self mutilation, 20% of the youth group.  He should have been more sensitive.  I’m trying to be more forgiving because after all, Pastors are only human too.  But I want to slap him!

Since this family is a hunting family, Vale easily found a hunting knife and cut deeper than I had ever seen before.  His arm was still bleeding when he got home.  I don’t know if it was the still bleeding arm, the depth of the cutting, the fact that he cut in someone else’s home or the humongous swing of the pendulum that set me off, but I freaked.  I got so scared.  So quickly.  I called Vale’s dad and asked him if he thought Vale should go to the hospital.  Fortunately Vale’s dad has a cooler head, and knew that it wasn’t necessary.  Looking at those gashes I thought of only 2 things, “How did we go from the light blue cards to this so quickly?” and “If he had cut with his arm flipped (meaning the underside of the arm instead of the top side) he could have been dead right now.”  It was all just too close..

We had such a good day.  So many positive things occurred, such progress.  And then to have such a huge shift, a wide swing in the opposite direction…  Why did that happen?  The instability… I think that’s the hardest of all to survive.  You can’t enjoy the good parts, savor the joy, because you’re always waiting for that shoe to drop.  That’s exhausting.

I didn’t get to post since Friday because the weekend went by pretty quickly.  Vale was able to go to his first equine therapy session and he *loved* it.  We are trying to put in place different therapies that didn’t require talking.  He does have Biblical therapy once every other week (because we have to pay out of pocket for it) which is more of a talking therapy, but besides that he has art therapy twice a week and equine therapy once a week.

From what I gather from Vale, he spent his time with two different horses in an enclosed arena making obstacles and then trying to encourage the horses to go through it.  He worked with two different equine therapists who helped design and build the obstacles and instructed Vale as to what to do.  I believe this all was a trust building exercise.  One of the horses is afraid of water, so they simulated water with a blue tarp and Vale had to encourage the horse to trust him to lead her through the ‘water’.

Whatever went on there left Vale in a terrific and hungry mood.  As we got into our car he said, ‘I’m hungry!’  That’s a first in a long time.  Vale just doesn’t get hungry any more.  We stopped for some fast food and he ate really well.  Kinda twisted when we rejoice over our son eating chicken nuggets, huh?  Shows you where we’re truly at!

But above all of that, Vale really had a ‘break through’ (listen to me borrowing pop psychology).  Vale admitted out loud that he hated himself and blamed himself for his past abuse.  I asked him if he could tell me just one thing that he thought he may have done wrong and he replied that he couldn’t remember telling his abusers, ‘no’.  Of course I reassured him (or tried to) that it didn’t matter.  He was a little boy, and no one has a right for any reason to do to him what they did.  I don’t know how much of my assurance sunk in, but I was so proud of him for being able to admit to himself (and out loud even!) that he blamed himself for the rape.  In the past, Vale would have a very nonchalant attitude about the abuse, like it really didn’t matter to him.  That apathetic attitude will keep him imprisoned.

Vale then went to a youth group meeting with our church and came home very excited about that as well.  He discovered there was someone in the church who is in the profession that he wishes to pursue.  He mentioned how much he enjoyed talking to another one of the adults from the church and even interacted with other young people.  Vale’s brother also reported that Vale had something to eat at the gathering which was great!  Vale also pulled out his communication color cards and laid light blue in my lap which means, “I feel great!”  That was the first time since we started using the cards that he has used that one.

Over all, it really was a terrific, progress making day for Vale.  What a relief!

As a born again believer, your faith in Jesus Christ is utterly foundational.  But I have a confession to make.  Prayer has been far from me as of late.  I don’t even know how or what I should pray.  Help is the only word I can think of.  I feel completely and utterly lost and alone.

Now I know what is truth.  I know that God will never leave me, nor forget about my circumstances.  He never sleeps, He constantly is watching over and working in and through me.  I know that everything, even the bad, is working for my betterment.   God means everything for good… if I would just have faith.  But I just can’t seem to pull it together.  I do know that is my own doing.

(I had this saved in my drafts… I can’t recover my train of thought.  I think I’ll just post it like this)

littlebook2point0:

No, but I believe in PTSD, and that’s basically the same thing.

Ask me anything

oh yeah.. although the word demon may be more exact.

I want to thank everyone who has taken the time and the interest in following our story.  It is my wish and prayer that we are an encouragement to you in some way.  The story needs to be told irregardless of who’s listening.  But it’s so comforting and cathartic to know that there are so many who do.  You are appreciated.

Vale’s Mom

Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows weary and long?

Oh yes, He cares! I know He cares!
His heart is touched with my grief.
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

*The last time I posted a verse of this song, people really seemed to like it.  So if it brought encouragement and peace I’m so glad.  I posted another verse.

Vale just started 20 mg of Prozac today, which is double his previous dose.  He is now getting more of the medication in his system which may make him, at least in the short term, more suicidal. I’m absolutely terrified confident that he will be even more dangerous stable than before.  I’m worried sure that everything will go horribly wrong be just fine!  That black box warning that teens who take Prozac are at a higher risk of suicide when the dose increases may actually will never happen to Vale!  No!  As he starts to feel artificially better and have more medicinally fueled energy, he will use it for destructive and deadly constructive and useful purposes.  I will never rest easy tonight just thinking about it! =)

Vale just started 20 mg of Prozac today, which is double his previous dose.  He is now getting more of the medication in his system which may make him, at least in the short term, more suicidal. I’m absolutely terrified confident that he will be even more dangerous stable than before.  I’m worried sure that everything will go horribly wrong be just fine!  That black box warning that teens who take Prozac are at a higher risk of suicide when the dose increases may actually will never happen to Vale!  No!  As he starts to feel artificially better and have more medicinally fueled energy, he will use it for destructive and deadly constructive and useful purposes.  I will never rest easy tonight just thinking about it! =)

Link: Walking Through With Vale: I’m a jerk

walkingthroughwithvale:

I have two jobs across the street during the winter that is to shovel their driveway and sidewalk. The driveways are pretty big, and the snow was heavy. I finished the one driveway and was exhausted. I went over to the other driveway and found that my younger brother and sister had completed much…